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Old 05-12-2010, 10:19 PM
Tech Tech is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 25
Default The Never-Ending Discussion


It's been a while since I've posted. It's good to know this place is still here with caring people doling out good advice.

Let me give you a quick summary of where my wife and I are at currently. I am mono. She is poly. She has a BF who lives out of state (about 5 hours away). He is also mono and single. He visits for a weekend about once a month. Initially he was an online friend who we thought we'd have as a friend with benefits for her (during the time we were talking about swinging), although granted we had little knowledge of what we were getting ourselves into. We met him on a weekend and they had a good time. I trust him and know that he cares deeply for her. And they found themselves falling in love.

This is where things started to get complicated for me. As I do feel like I am mono, but am interested in swinging. I can understand having a 'friend with benefits', but when they talk about love that touches a nerve with me. From my mono-perspective there is a place for love (your significant other) and a place for fun (friends with benefits), but when you mix sex & love that encroaches on "my territory" (for lack of a better way to phrase it).

Now he and I have talked quite a bit, and he is content being a secondary in her life, with me as her primary. She would love to have all three of us under one roof probably, but just sharing my bed and house with him one weekend a month is pushing my limits sometimes.

I struggle with allowing their NRE to run crazy. At first I didn't want to put limits on, but quickly found myself feeling like a 3rd wheel. She was struggling balancing her attention and affection between me (who's always been there) and him (who's new and fun). Recently I have requested they follow some rules (for my sanity) and they have both graciously agreed to cease the physical intimacies and try to limit certain aspects of the relationship.

I feel like this struggling / budding / working relationship between the three of us is always going between us all having a great time, to me being frustrated and upset, and my wife going into tailspin depressions because of her own confusion and desires to "be herself".

I feel like it is unbalanced. That "in a perfect world" we'd have found a couple to make friend (w/benefits) with and I'd have a 'playmate' too. I get jealous and envious of their affections. I have looked for someone to fill that role in my life, but finding someone who understands and is also available and etc etc, is 1 in a million.

Back when my wife and I first signed up on these boards we read LOTS and learned LOTS, and one post I remember the title of was, "Can a mono love a poly?" or something like that. I still ask myself that question frequently. And it's not that "can I love her" (of course I love her), but how-the-heck do we make this thing work? It's a continuing discussion that seems to have no answers and no end.

So...I don't expect miracles...but I'd appreciate any thoughts or questions or feedback.

Apologies for the long post.
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