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  #11  
Old 05-10-2010, 12:32 AM
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idealist idealist is offline
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What I have found is that when you are in a poly lifestyle and you add a new partner or partners, the time available for the primary partner is going to have to decrease. I like to have 4 nights to myself per week which allows 3 nights for my partners. If I add a partner, I am not going to decrease my alone time to fit them in. The time spent with the new partner will have to come out of the 3 nights and that will decrease the time available for my existing partners.

I guess you are feeling fear of abandonment since you guys have been fighting so much lately and he's probably experiencing NRE with the new person. I agree with everyone else.....find some new things to occupy yourself and maybe work on some of your issues which may contribute to the fighting that you guys have been doing. You know how that is.....I always carry my issues into every relationship until I do my work to resolve my part of the conflicts.
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  #12  
Old 05-10-2010, 02:15 AM
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ironic that getting into a relationship dynamic that is mainly focused around "multiple partners" leaves with you with less time with your partner(s) at times...hahaha. Just a strange observation. Do you guys talk alot? I'm like, what alot other the above people mentioned, a private person who can be very social. If I were you, as long as I was txting him or calling him everyday/every other day i'd be kewl. Just fill up the time with other stuff
Something that I did earlier in a previous relationship helped. Me and my g/f made an agreement to write detailed emails sometime before we went to sleep. Writing, even if you aren't a "writer", seems to bring up some deep and truthful thoughts when writing to a loved one, you'd be surprised. Anyway, just a suggestion.
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  #13  
Old 05-12-2010, 12:26 AM
ellie ellie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by idealist View Post
What I have found is that when you are in a poly lifestyle and you add a new partner or partners, the time available for the primary partner is going to have to decrease. I like to have 4 nights to myself per week which allows 3 nights for my partners. If I add a partner, I am not going to decrease my alone time to fit them in. The time spent with the new partner will have to come out of the 3 nights and that will decrease the time available for my existing partners.

I guess you are feeling fear of abandonment since you guys have been fighting so much lately and he's probably experiencing NRE with the new person. I agree with everyone else.....find some new things to occupy yourself and maybe work on some of your issues which may contribute to the fighting that you guys have been doing. You know how that is.....I always carry my issues into every relationship until I do my work to resolve my part of the conflicts.
I agree...but I think why I feel so strongly is because she doesn't know about us. He refuses to tell her he's an open relationship...which is one of the main reasons for our fights..

And since the schedule didn't work out for them this week, he is seeing her on Saturday when I see him, so I don't get to see him (he didn't ask, he just told me that this is how it's going to be). He offered another day to "make up" for it, but unfortunately I'm busy with my life.

I don't know, just thought poly relationships would be alot easier then what I'm going through right now
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  #14  
Old 05-12-2010, 01:09 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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mono/poly doesn't matter, relationships aren't easy.
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  #15  
Old 05-12-2010, 03:59 AM
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I have to say that while I agree with most of the above posts that filling your free time and keeping busy is a healthy way to respond in general, I also recognize that the reality of my situation is that I'd be really hurt if I were in your shoes. It may well be rooted in my own insecurities or fear of abandonment, but I have to acknowledge that if my boyfriend started giving away our normally scheduled time to a knew love I'd be upset. Especially if he didn't check in with me about it first.

My boyfriend and I have one night a week that is scheduled as our time and we both value that time. Sometimes we'll mutually agree to include others (the other half of our quad or other friends) but it's definitely something we talk about first. Occasionally special circumstances arise and schedules change. I know that soon we will miss our night so that he can go see a new girlfriend. But it was something we talked about and I was supportive of. Totally different in my opinion. I say this not to add fuel to your fire, but just to let you know I understand how you feel. It may be that you just need to wrestle with your own insecurities and figure out what feelings the changes are bringing up.

Now, as far as the new gf not knowing about you, that sets off red flags for me and changes the ballgame completely. This is not just about insecurities but ethics and trust. Sounds like it's time to have a talk. . .
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  #16  
Old 05-12-2010, 05:56 PM
ellie ellie is offline
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Originally Posted by sweetmama View Post
I have to say that while I agree with most of the above posts that filling your free time and keeping busy is a healthy way to respond in general, I also recognize that the reality of my situation is that I'd be really hurt if I were in your shoes. It may well be rooted in my own insecurities or fear of abandonment, but I have to acknowledge that if my boyfriend started giving away our normally scheduled time to a knew love I'd be upset. Especially if he didn't check in with me about it first.

My boyfriend and I have one night a week that is scheduled as our time and we both value that time. Sometimes we'll mutually agree to include others (the other half of our quad or other friends) but it's definitely something we talk about first. Occasionally special circumstances arise and schedules change. I know that soon we will miss our night so that he can go see a new girlfriend. But it was something we talked about and I was supportive of. Totally different in my opinion. I say this not to add fuel to your fire, but just to let you know I understand how you feel. It may be that you just need to wrestle with your own insecurities and figure out what feelings the changes are bringing up.

Now, as far as the new gf not knowing about you, that sets off red flags for me and changes the ballgame completely. This is not just about insecurities but ethics and trust. Sounds like it's time to have a talk. . .
I think I've worked through alot of my insecurites/issues concerning everything. Unfortunately him not telling her regarding our relationship is my hugest one. We have discussed it, and he says if she is around for 6 months, he will tell her and introduce us. To me it's just being sneaky and secretive. I do have stuff around his house and the key to his place so I'm sure she's seen.

Not sure how to approach this subject any more, I don't want to add "fuel to the fire" so to speak. Just feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place.
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  #17  
Old 05-12-2010, 07:16 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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he says if she is around for 6 months, he will tell her and introduce us. .
WOW..this is a brutal abuse of a human being. Essentially he is going to use her for his own gratifiaction and if they go past 6 months then she deserves to be made aware of the real situation. Does everyone have a six month probationary period before expecting honesty with him? I would be concerned about what he is not telling you

Sorry if this is blunt but I have a hard time hearing about people trying to wrap selfish behavior in a pretty package. I don't care how much they "love" the person they are using and don't want to lose them. I had secrets that could have destroyed my relationship with Redpepper but I told her very early because I love her. I didn't decide hide them until my needs were met...I guess that might be the question here. What are his needs and how are they met without honesty..sounds more like a need for sex rather than a need to share love.
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Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 05-12-2010 at 07:24 PM.
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  #18  
Old 05-12-2010, 07:48 PM
ellie ellie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
WOW..this is a brutal abuse of a human being. Essentially he is going to use her for his own gratifiaction and if they go past 6 months then she deserves to be made aware of the real situation. Does everyone have a six month probationary period before expecting honesty with him? I would be concerned about what he is not telling you

Sorry if this is blunt but I have a hard time hearing about people trying to wrap selfish behavior in a pretty package. I don't care how much they "love" the person they are using and don't want to lose them. I had secrets that could have destroyed my relationship with Redpepper but I told her very early because I love her. I didn't decide hide them until my needs were met...I guess that might be the question here. What are his needs and how are they met without honesty..sounds more like a need for sex rather than a need to share love.
I do appreciate your honestly and bluntness, this is what I've been trying to explain to him. But he says he chooses to conduct his affairs as he see fit, and he has told her she is casual and she doesn't ask anything else about the matter. (he basically told me under no uncertain terms that he doesn't want me to micro manage his relationships...)

I don't want anyone to get hurt in the long run, him, me or her for that matter. This is actually the first time he has explored another relationship within ours even though we've been open the whole time.

I feel like I can't even approach the subject anymore because I don't want to fight anymore.
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  #19  
Old 05-12-2010, 07:52 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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I feel like I can't even approach the subject anymore because I don't want to fight anymore.
I'm glad I didn't offend you,

Ask yourself this two questions:

What are the characteristics and attributes that you value in people you love and invest in?

What are the criteria that must be met for someone to deserve your love and affection?
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  #20  
Old 05-12-2010, 07:54 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ellie View Post
I do appreciate your honestly and bluntness, this is what I've been trying to explain to him. But he says he chooses to conduct his affairs as he see fit, and he has told her she is casual and she doesn't ask anything else about the matter. (he basically told me under no uncertain terms that he doesn't want me to micro manage his relationships...)

I don't want anyone to get hurt in the long run, him, me or her for that matter. This is actually the first time he has explored another relationship within ours even though we've been open the whole time.

I feel like I can't even approach the subject anymore because I don't want to fight anymore.
Please tell us what is good about this person and what you get out of staying with him (other than "we're soulmates" or "the sex is mind-blowing").

(Ha, Mono basically beat me to the questions)
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