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  #31  
Old 05-12-2010, 01:59 PM
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KatTails KatTails is offline
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Even in swinging - people can fall in love. My husband didn't go looking for a girlfriend and he definitely didn't plan on falling in love. Him and MG are co-workers who joked around alot. My husband has always been a flirt - she flirted back. Since we had been swinging for about 2 years off and on (always together, never seperate) - he asked if he could have sex with her. After a lot of discussions, crying, talking i gave the ok. Took it back. Gave it again....because I was worried since I wouldn't be involved. They both thought it would only happen once or twice. 2 months later - they fell in love. Again - he wasn't looking. It was just sex to him. It turned into more and my biggest fear came true. But he didn't lie or cheat. He respected me enough to be honest and to ask me if it was ok.

Mohegan - I feel the same way about my husband that you feel about yours - so I do completely appreciate you wanting to stay and work this out. My only concern for you would be the cheating and the loss of trust. You guys need to work through that. I know some people will disagree with me but - if you haven't done so - I suggest finding a relationship therapist, preferrably one with knowledge and experience with polyamory, for you and your husband to go to together and seperately. We have one and she is fantastic! My husbands gf has also gone to our therapist and the three of us have gone together. It really has helped. You need to be able to trust him again and he needs to learn honesty and self control.

Keep reading, researching and learning. The people on here have been through a lot of different situations and experiences. You will find comfort and solace in their words of advice. Of course you will also find people who tell it like it is and you might not like it. Don't dis-count them - seriously consider what they are saying. Somethings will hurt - but you might just find that they are right.

Best of luck - Kat

Last edited by KatTails; 05-12-2010 at 02:05 PM.
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  #32  
Old 05-12-2010, 03:07 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Originally Posted by KatTails View Post
Even in swinging - people can fall in love. My husband didn't go looking for a girlfriend and he definitely didn't plan on falling in love. Him and MG are co-workers who joked around alot.
Tis true. ...it happened to me. However swinging does have a sense of disconnect. My wife and I have been playing for years, just happens to be this last one we both fell in love with. Unfortunately it will not be returned

So it is a "safer" bet to go swinging, and more honest, than serial cheating (where btw you can also fall in love)...at least then it is open and honest and he still gets his sex
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  #33  
Old 05-12-2010, 03:36 PM
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Tis true. ...it happened to me. However swinging does have a sense of disconnect. My wife and I have been playing for years, just happens to be this last one we both fell in love with. Unfortunately it will not be returned

So it is a "safer" bet to go swinging, and more honest, than serial cheating (where btw you can also fall in love)...at least then it is open and honest and he still gets his sex
Ari - I agree with you in that in a sense it is safer. My husband and I fooled around with a few people during a meet and greet - but we were there enjoying watching each other. The first full swap we had a few months later, was with a husband/wife that we fooled around with at the M/G. This felt safe because we were all happily married and just looking for fun. We were also together in the same room. That was a rule we had when we started swinging.

Taking the swinging concept a little further, 2rings asked me if he could have sex with MG. I ignored my fears - and so we are, where we are. Would this have happened if we weren't swingers? Possibly. But I know with total certainty that he wouldn't have cheated - he would have still asked me first.

I am trying to accept MG into our lives - because of his honesty. If he would have cheated, then wanted to keep her as a girlfriend - I don't know if I would feel the same.

Kat
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  #34  
Old 05-12-2010, 05:16 PM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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I've begun refering to this as my safe blog. No one who is going to continue the drama in my life is going to see it. Kind of nice.

I'm pretty sure that due to all the stress and pushing school aside, I'm failing this semester. Trying to decide if going into class tonight is even worth it or if should just use the summer to concentrate on figuring my marriage out.

We had talked off and on about swinging and we both had some reservations about it.

My husband has asked over and over why I don't jump at the chance to sleep with other people. I don't know how to answer that. I've been tempted, but only a time or two, and I've never gone anywhere with it. I just shut all that off. I'm supposed to be committed to one person my entire life. That's how I was raised, so that's how it should be. Bringing a g/f or even just someone for the night, into our relationship is ok to me b/c we are both there and are sharing the experience. I don't honestly think that deep down I have a problem with him having a girlfriend, but I feel like I'm doing something wrong by saying it is okay.

I guess I need to differenciate between how I was raised and what I actually find to be right and wrong.
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  #35  
Old 05-13-2010, 03:36 AM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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Hi M,
He needs to work on rebuilding trust with you that has nothing to do with outside relationships. You have to know you can trust what he's telling you with the simple things or you're never going to know for sure in your heart that he's telling you the truth about the more difficult stuff. Some people just find it easier to lie and to tell people what they want to hear. Sounds to me like he needs to untrain himself from doing that.

Don't agree to anything that you're not 100% comfortable with right now. It's just going to lead to a lot of heartache. Start slow with things that you know you are comfortable with and work on talking everything through. Set aside some time every day to talk about how you're feeling and give each other turns, without judgement, to honestly express how you feel. There are going to be good days and bad days but ALL feelings have to be heard and validated. Boundaries are going to change, it's just going to take time and trust. Good luck.

-Derby
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  #36  
Old 05-13-2010, 12:09 PM
ak2381 ak2381 is offline
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Mo,
I have a question for you. I know that it varies between situations. But considering that your husband now has a girlfriend and you two are working toward the poly life what has been the feelings toward you having boyfriend. How does he feel about that. How do you feel about that? Are you open to relationships outside your marriage? Does he feel like he could handle it if you were to do this or does it even matter because it is not an issue with you.

I know with my husband while he is living poly and I am living mono he has expressed great jealousy and uncertainty if I were to find someone else. I sometimes feel a little unfair about that but I am not going to push it right now while it isn't an issue for me. I am not interested in anyone nor am I interested in finding someone. I am still working through my trust problems with one man. I am personally not ready to even think about trying to hold up a relationship with another person. But I know it is a subject that would be hard to have with DH right now because of all the lying he did. He is scared at the moment I would leave him completely if I tried the poly life before we had a chance to rebuild my trust in him.

So basically I am wondering where you and your DH stand with this or if you have even had this discussion?
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  #37  
Old 05-13-2010, 01:36 PM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Derbylicious View Post
Don't agree to anything that you're not 100% comfortable with right now. It's just going to lead to a lot of heartache. Start slow with things that you know you are comfortable with and work on talking everything through. Set aside some time every day to talk about how you're feeling and give each other turns, without judgement, to honestly express how you feel. There are going to be good days and bad days but ALL feelings have to be heard and validated. Boundaries are going to change, it's just going to take time and trust. Good luck.

-Derby
Thanks for that, I think we are going to use suggestion to talk about how we are feeling everyday. After reading that I was thinking about the fact that we rarely have that talk about good days.

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Originally Posted by ak2381 View Post
Mo,
I have a question for you. I know that it varies between situations. But considering that your husband now has a girlfriend and you two are working toward the poly life what has been the feelings toward you having boyfriend. How does he feel about that. How do you feel about that? Are you open to relationships outside your marriage? Does he feel like he could handle it if you were to do this or does it even matter because it is not an issue with you.

So basically I am wondering where you and your DH stand with this or if you have even had this discussion?
Originaly our talks were more towards bringing in a g/f for both of us. He has always encouraged me to think outside of our marriage but mostly our talks have been about just sex, not an actual relationship. So I'm not sure what his opinion of me having b/f would be. I don't know for sure if I am interested or not. I'm still trying to figure out what I am okay with and what I am holding onto from how I was raised. It's really murky water and hard to figure out. I definitaly think it is something we need to talk about more. I don't know if I am so much against a relationship outside of my mariage, as I just don't see that I would ever find someone who fits me the way he does. There was one woman who we both had feelings for and she did for us, but she's married and they have a lot of problems in their marriage, mostly due to him being in the military and never being home. So I guess I do know it's possible, just maybe not with another man? I'm just a big ball of confusion at the moment.
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  #38  
Old 05-13-2010, 04:22 PM
ak2381 ak2381 is offline
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Originally Posted by Mohegan View Post
Originaly our talks were more towards bringing in a g/f for both of us. He has always encouraged me to think outside of our marriage but mostly our talks have been about just sex, not an actual relationship. So I'm not sure what his opinion of me having b/f would be. I don't know for sure if I am interested or not. I'm still trying to figure out what I am okay with and what I am holding onto from how I was raised. It's really murky water and hard to figure out. I definitaly think it is something we need to talk about more. I don't know if I am so much against a relationship outside of my mariage, as I just don't see that I would ever find someone who fits me the way he does. There was one woman who we both had feelings for and she did for us, but she's married and they have a lot of problems in their marriage, mostly due to him being in the military and never being home. So I guess I do know it's possible, just maybe not with another man? I'm just a big ball of confusion at the moment.
Ok, I was curious. I know it is a hard topic to cover. Like I said, I have been through it with DH but for now I know I am not interested and he doesn't want me to be interested until we are under better terms. He has mentioned he doesn't mind me having a gf as long as he gets to watch, lol. Men! (no offense guys!)
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  #39  
Old 05-14-2010, 02:56 PM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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Big step for tomorrow. A friend ours is heading back to North Carolina after a 3 week leave from the military. He is having a party tomorrow night. I decided to ask my husband if he would like to bring her. He had apparently already thought of this. I felt kind of let down. I thought okay I'm making a big step, let's all spend some time together. And he had already made all plans for it to happen anyway. I HATE being so damn petty, and I don't know how to make it stop. The point is we all get to spend some time together in a public setting so no awkwardness. Not who came up with the idea.

Oh well, I have a cake to bake, and that is always a destressor, so I'm going to go concentrate on that.
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  #40  
Old 05-14-2010, 10:57 PM
ak2381 ak2381 is offline
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Big step for tomorrow. A friend ours is heading back to North Carolina after a 3 week leave from the military. He is having a party tomorrow night. I decided to ask my husband if he would like to bring her. He had apparently already thought of this. I felt kind of let down. I thought okay I'm making a big step, let's all spend some time together. And he had already made all plans for it to happen anyway. I HATE being so damn petty, and I don't know how to make it stop. The point is we all get to spend some time together in a public setting so no awkwardness. Not who came up with the idea.

Oh well, I have a cake to bake, and that is always a destressor, so I'm going to go concentrate on that.
Something about this bothers me. Did he invite her before he checked with you? Or did he just tell you he already thought of it and then asked her? If he already asked her I think he might have jumped the gun a little. With everything in such a fragile state right now he really needs to run these things by you before asking her to come along. I understand he was trying to show her he cares about her but you are his wife and he knows you are the one trying to accept his new life choices and needs to really remember that first.

If he just mentioned he had already thought of that maybe I am just playing the glass half full card first but maybe he was just trying to show that your minds were on the same page and that maybe you two were progressing toward understanding each other here. Perhaps he wasn't trying to take the credit.

Congrats on wanting to invite her along. That is a big step in such a short amount of time. A week into it I still couldn't face J. I was barely able to bring myself to talk to her about him. I only wanted to talk to her about what on earth was going on in her head and why she had made the promises that she had if they were only going to be broken. We have talked through all that now and I am great with her. But with four months behind us that has helped. And we have pretty lengthy conversations about so many things every day. Sometimes DH actually gets jealous because J and I talk so much. That is when I try to dial it back so he doesn't feel like I am taking over. Then he feels bad and apologizes. Sorry got off the subject there.

Basically I think you are doing really well! Keep taking it slow though. Don't overwhelm yourself and don't do ANYTHING before you are ready. Continue progressing but if you know you aren't ready then slow down, take a deep breath, tell you DH and her both and try again later.
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