Explaining My Poly Needs to a Mono Partner

[GroundedSpirit]

Originally Posted by Zenchild

It's interesting that this started a side discussion of loving friendship vs. romantic love, perhaps not the best way to describe it but after reading the comments i'm unsure I could do better without writing a full length book with footnotes and reference links.

.................

What I do know is something others have said in various posts...and which goes back to my very first sentence. You simply know.



Perhaps....you all could share a thought based on what helps (or might have helped) soothe your heart when your partner shares with you their interest in another? I think this is my biggest concern...finding the most compassionate way to tell him as I often get intimidated and just blurt stuff out. ............

Ummmmmm,

And I think someone - maybe you (Zen) made mention somewhere else in the thread about different "philosophies" - different ways of flowing through life.

There's so much in the culture for the last few thousand years that tries to draw hard lines - attach labels etc - between 'romantic love' and some other (?) types in an attempt to describe this connection that happens between people.

But at least what I've seen, and experienced, is that when people start, and continue, to 'open up' (their heart, being, whatever?) to life around them they become wide open to these connections happening. It's not some plan but just a side effect of who they are becoming. But if/when they do (connections) it seems difficult to express this in language - especially to someone who is living a different mode of existence.

All the culture and labels break down. They just don't 'fit'. All the glossy images take on an air of surrealism.

And it does seem challenging to cross that gap as words/language seem to come up short as a tool. Art, music, and especially nature seem to be better ways to convey the picture.

Interesting..........

GS

[inlovewith2]

Originally Posted by MrRusty

I have no evidence, but it is my belief that if you aren't interested in sex, you aren't in love.

I have to respectfully disagree. As a survivor of multiple perpetrators of sexual abuse, I spent a long time shutting myself down so that I could fulfill my husband's needs (although admittedly not well). At any rate, I went years not having the least interest in sex--or rather, having my interest supplanted by fears.

Just wanted to throw that out there in case it resonated with anyone.

Christie

[LovingRadiance]

After being raped and having two abortions I went YEARS with no interest in sex.
Still very much in love with both Maca and GG.

Desiring sex CAN be a great part of being in love-but it isn't always.

[MrRusty]

Eek! Sorry, folks.

Abuse & rape is so far away from my experience (aren't I lucky).
I guess I can be a little naive sometimes. I hope I didn't offend.

[LovingRadiance]

I'm not offended Mr. Rusty-and I think it's a good thing that you have no experience in those areas.
One less person in the world to suffer it!


Always learning new things on here huh?
(I sure as heck do!)

[inlovewith2]

Originally Posted by MrRusty

Eek! Sorry, folks.

Abuse & rape is so far away from my experience (aren't I lucky).
I guess I can be a little naive sometimes. I hope I didn't offend.

ITA with LR, I am always so grateful to meet someone who doesn't get it! It is one of my life's goals to do everything I can so that my children never do (recognizing that I don't hold anywhere near close to all the cards).

I did not take your comment to be the least bit offensive, I just wanted to validate the experience of others in case it applied. I'm a therapist, so bear with me

[Tonberry]

I personally think loving a friend and being in love are very different feelings for me. And while being in love has always involved physical attraction (needing hugs, staying in each other's arms for hours, smelling the other person's smell, feeling their skin, listening to their voice, looking at them without ever getting bored), it doesn't always involve sexual attraction (as in, want to have sex).

It's a bit difficult to know the line between what I'm referring to here as "physical" vs "sexual" attraction. For instance I'm not sure which of the two kisses count for. But I think being in love, compared with friendship, as a huge focus on the senses. Hearing, smelling, touching, looking at, even tasting to some extent. When I'm in love, I just open up to every kind of feeling.

I love my friends too, but that level of intensity is completely different, and I have been in love without any sex whatsoever, I never would have called that friendship (although it's possible to also be friends with that person.)

This being said, I think everyone works in their very own way. While we can relate to each other, we all have small differences, and some people might have more "touchy" friendships than I have for instance.
Also, I would say that in my case, sex is most definitely in the picture at some point most of the time. It kind of follows from the rest, I guess, and when it doesn't happen it usually isn't because I'm not sexually attracted to the person, but more because I have mental or physical "blocks" about it.

Still, I can absolutely conceive people who are asexual or partially asexual. What I mean is, I have known people who are pretty much straight but have that one person who is an exception, they're attracted to them anyways, they're in love with them, and that only happens once in their life. Well I can believe that even someone who isn't asexual with everyone can be asexual for one person, or a certain amount of people, without it meaning they love them any less - just differently.

I also know that if I was in a mono relationship, I'd definitely consider being in love with someone without having sex as cheating, moreso than sex without feelings. I think it's because for me cheating is about lies and betrayal, and I feel being in love and hiding it is more of a betrayal than having sex with someone else, because you're shutting off your partner from your intimacy, your thoughts, your feelings, and lying about these instead of hiding and lying about your actions, and to me being a partner is more about the emotional connexion and the complicity than the fact of doing things together.

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by Tonberry

I personally think loving a friend and being in love are very different feelings for me. .

Absolutely for me as well No matter how close a friend is there is a definite difference in how I want to express that love to them. Sharing sex or sexual energy is not one of those ways I express love for my friends.

[Ariakas]

Originally Posted by Tonberry

I personally think loving a friend and being in love are very different feelings for me. And while being in love has always involved physical attraction (needing hugs, staying in each other's arms for hours, smelling the other person's smell, feeling their skin, listening to their voice, looking at them without ever getting bored), it doesn't always involve sexual attraction (as in, want to have sex).

For me this statement is something I have had to learn. To be clear, I have never been "in love" and not sexually attracted to someone. For me they go hand in hand, 100% of the time.

I have had to force my brain to rewire itself so this isn't the case. I can't stop myself from being in love with my friend, but its requiring a lot of work to turn off the sexual desire...so far, I am slowly winning that battle. But I have to say, it is a fight for me.

Maybe someday I will experience what you are talking about, but it doesn't currently resonate for me. I get the "I love a friend"...thats just fine...but being in love, means I have both emotional and sexual desire

[Morningglory629]

Originally Posted by Ariakas

For me this statement is something I have had to learn. To be clear, I have never been "in love" and not sexually attracted to someone. For me they go hand in hand, 100% of the time.

I have had to force my brain to rewire itself so this isn't the case. I can't stop myself from being in love with my friend, but its requiring a lot of work to turn off the sexual desire...so far, I am slowly winning that battle. But I have to say, it is a fight for me.

Maybe someday I will experience what you are talking about, but it doesn't currently resonate for me. I get the "I love a friend"...thats just fine...but being in love, means I have both emotional and sexual desire

Ditto! I don't understand the absence of sexual desire when in an intimate committed relationship that is more than "friendship." I hope I never do get that experience!