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  #21  
Old 05-12-2010, 07:28 AM
Zenchild Zenchild is offline
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Originally Posted by MrRusty View Post
I just mean that in an ideal world we should be as initimate as we are comfortable with, with whoever we feel comfortable with, whenever. Without rules and judgement, just driven by our love.
What a wonderful thing!

Embracing myself as poly is so shiny new to me i'm hesitant to jump into the fray. I'm generally a quiet introvert and still mulling what all of this means to me and without fear of where to place the next footstep without falling off the cliff. Perhaps that's not the most positive perspective to have...but it's where I am right now. It's exciting and scary and while I feel like I can fly I also want to be realistic.

I just started reading The Seven Levels of Intimacy, which someone recommended in another thread. I think you'd be interested in it as well Rusty!



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  #22  
Old 05-12-2010, 06:57 PM
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What a wonderful thing!
Embracing myself as poly is so shiny new to me
I just started reading The Seven Levels of Intimacy, which someone recommended in another thread. I think you'd be interested in it as well Rusty!
Haha - let's hope it's in the swag of books ordered from Amazon, then!
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  #23  
Old 05-12-2010, 07:10 PM
Zenchild Zenchild is offline
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I've also found the articles on this website to be invaluable...some of the most well written thoughtful commentary i've come across in years. I've printed a few of them out to share. The topics on communication, self esteem, and jealousy were incredibly helpful and I feel so much more calm about opening up to my SO about all of this.

http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html
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  #24  
Old 05-18-2010, 12:51 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Sorry MrRusty, but I completely disagree with your claim that all people are polyamorous and some just haven't found the right people.

The only evidence you've presented is that your wife, who formerly believed herself to be monogamous, has discovered that she actually may be attracted to other people. As a fallacy, it's like saying "I thought my dog was black, but then I gave him a bath, and the dye washed out, so he's a white dog. Therefore all dogs must be white, but some just have their fur dyed."

I definitely do agree that there are a LOT of non-monogamous people out there who are living a life of lies and denying their true nature. But that's a completely different thing from saying that ALL people are non-monogamous and denying their true nature.

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Originally Posted by saudade View Post
But those who make an informed choice about themselves? Let them have their way, especially since we're asking the same of them.
Thumbs up. It's one thing to be in the dark, another to be in denial, and quite another to be fully exposed. In the dark: Most of society who doesn't know that a healthy way of non-monogamy exists, and haven't considered whether they would be monogamous if they "had the choice." In denial: have realized that monogamy doesn't work for them, but haven't made it a healthy part of their lifestyle. Fully exposed: know full-well about the non-monogamy possibilities, have examined themselves, and found themselves to be on one or the other end of the spectrum.

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Originally Posted by idealist View Post
The top is hetro/homo and the bottom is poly/mono. Maybe that's what it would be like???
I totally don't understand what "equally monogamous and polyamorous" means. I can understand how you can be equally attracted to men and women, and therefore equally homosexual and heterosexual. But if you're monogamous, then you only want to be monogamous in your relationships. You can't be in two relationships, and then say "I'm monogamous with person A and polyamorous with person B" because as soon as you throw person B in there, the monogamy goes out the window.

Does it mean that you can be equally satisfied in either a monogamous or a polyamorous relationship? i.e. that if you're in a monogamous relationship, you don't feel like you're "missing out" and if you're in a polyamorous relationship, you don't feel as though you're "cheating" ?
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  #25  
Old 05-18-2010, 01:20 AM
saudade saudade is offline
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@SC:

Quote:
I totally don't understand what "equally monogamous and polyamorous" means. I can understand how you can be equally attracted to men and women, and therefore equally homosexual and heterosexual. But if you're monogamous, then you only want to be monogamous in your relationships. You can't be in two relationships, and then say "I'm monogamous with person A and polyamorous with person B" because as soon as you throw person B in there, the monogamy goes out the window.

Does it mean that you can be equally satisfied in either a monogamous or a polyamorous relationship? i.e. that if you're in a monogamous relationship, you don't feel like you're "missing out" and if you're in a polyamorous relationship, you don't feel as though you're "cheating" ?
In response to the second paragraph of yours I quoted, I'd say exactly! That's just what I think it means. Myself, I've realized that I can't do a monogamous relationship-- it just doesn't work for me. I'm a 6 on the poly-Kinsey scale. One of my metamours, on the other hand, has said he can be content in a monogamous relationship for someone special, but it's not his first choice. I'd call him a 4 or 5.

There must be someone in the world who genuinely doesn't mind practicing monogamy or polyamory. That person sees the benefits and drawbacks of each approach, and tailors his or her active lovestyle to relevant circumstances. That mythic person (who I'm sure exists!) is a 3. And so on...

At least, that's how I'd call it. How about you?
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  #26  
Old 05-18-2010, 06:08 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Originally Posted by saudade View Post
@SC:There must be someone in the world who genuinely doesn't mind practicing monogamy or polyamory. That person sees the benefits and drawbacks of each approach, and tailors his or her active lovestyle to relevant circumstances. That mythic person (who I'm sure exists!) is a 3. And so on...
Ok, now that we're on the same page, I think I'm somewhat like that myself. Whenever I've been in monogamous relationships, I've never felt the "need" to be with other people, I've been content with my life. But when I'm "single and dating," I've preferred to keep my "options open" and I bring that attitude into new relationships when possible. I met my husband as poly, and though he had to wrap his head around it, he was accepting, and so I gratefully find my lifelong relationship to be a polyamorous one. But with what we have, if he were to have said he just couldn't do it, I think I would have been equally satisfied with only him.

So obviously I'm not a unicorn... what mythical creature does that make me?
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The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
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  #27  
Old 05-21-2010, 04:09 AM
saudade saudade is offline
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@SC: You're some sort of chameleon, I suppose! I envy your ability to 'switch' (as it's called for other traits), and feel lucky for not needing that talent in my current predicament.

((Is it odd that I've begun referring to my romantic entanglements as a predicament? It just seems so applicable!))

Glad I cleared my ideas up, in any case.
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  #28  
Old 05-23-2010, 06:01 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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I'm definitely better at switching in poly than I am at switching in BDSM... I tend to be very bottom-y, and though I really get off as a top, I really have to psych myself up for it and get myself in the mood. It's fun though.

I'm relatively certain we'll stay poly for the rest of our relationship. Mainly because once you open that cork, it's really hard to put the genie back in the bottle. If it was my husband's request, that would be a different thing, but it wouldn't be fair for me to "turn it on and off" at my convenience. What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
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The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
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  #29  
Old 05-30-2010, 01:19 AM
Taamar Taamar is offline
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Originally Posted by MrRusty View Post
I think everyone is poly really. After all we don't love our kids mono-fashion, we don't love only one of our parents (usually), we have multiple friendship partners. At our best we fill the world with mutual affirmation and love.
I know parents who agonize over not loving their children 'equally'. I know kids who worry about being 'unfaithful' to a parent in divorce because they still love the other parent. I've seen a lot of children, even infants, who are jealous of the attention one parent gives the other. Sibling rivalry (you HAVE to love one of us best!) is everywhere. And I remember quite clearly the middle school drama of "you can't be best friends with her, you're best friends with ME!"

At our worst we are jealous, selfish bitches.
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  #30  
Old 05-30-2010, 07:55 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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I know parents who agonize over not loving their children 'equally'. I know kids who worry about being 'unfaithful' to a parent in divorce because they still love the other parent. I've seen a lot of children, even infants, who are jealous of the attention one parent gives the other. Sibling rivalry (you HAVE to love one of us best!) is everywhere. And I remember quite clearly the middle school drama of "you can't be best friends with her, you're best friends with ME!"
I've actually heard that most parents have a "favorite" child even though they'll swear up and down that they love their children equally. When my best friend was pregnant with her second, she felt tremendous guilt because she already knew that she loved her first child more than the one growing inside of her.

I'll be the first to admit, I have a favourite cat. But when the other one got sick, I cried and was terrified that she would die, and very willingly shelled out a big wad of cash to have her taken care of.

In grade 4, we had a "best-friend-triad." But over the summer before 5th grade, two of us grew closer. The "third" picked up on it and felt really hurt, so she went and made some other good friends, and the two of us became BFFs (where "forever" was until Grade 9 :P ahh, adolescence!). Now, 20 years later, the two of them are very close friends, having had kids around the same time and finding much in common as mom, whereas I went in the opposite direction as an academic non-parent.
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The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
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