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  #21  
Old 05-12-2010, 01:39 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by capricorny View Post
But "sans primary" doesn't have to imply that you are looking for one, does it? Just a neutral term, to distinguish those without primary partners who are in some kind of permanent relationship from those who are not.
Well, maybe I could simply say that I am poly with 4 tertiary lovers.....and just forget about "single". I say tertiary because (even though I love each of them deeply) if I lost one (or all) of them, my daily life would not be affected. I percieve a primary partner as one you are bonded with so much that your daily life includes them. I'm in a phase where I am experiencing intense love (like none I've ever experienced before) but yet there is a non-attachment underlying the entire thing.....does that make sense? The other thing about my situation too is that these are long term relationships and I am fairly sure that these people will be in my life for a long time....maybe the rest of my life....so maybe tertiary doesn't really descibe them either????

Even though there are a lot of poly terms, it looks like we need more!?!?! Maybe RedPepper will actually come up with a new word!!! Polyamory (after all) is a fairly new word itself.....
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  #22  
Old 05-12-2010, 02:03 AM
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In that light Idealist and because now I understand the term *sans* I agree..... "Sans primary" suits if you are willing to accept it. (I like poly with tersiaries also however)
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  #23  
Old 05-12-2010, 03:32 AM
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I'd love to see some new terms! What do you call your "boyfriend's wife's boyfriend"? Or what about all those shades of grey. There are people in my life that I am in love with and will love for the rest of my life. But, I'm not with them. That needs a name.
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  #24  
Old 05-12-2010, 04:01 AM
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I only see my secondary maybe a few times a month (in the good months). He has a primary girlfriend & i'm married. We talk usually once a week on the phone and occasionally email. That is enough for me until he finishes nursing school next year and hopefully moves closer. Even then, I don't see us increasing our contact much more than it already is. We are both busy professionals with lots of interests.
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  #25  
Old 05-13-2010, 06:16 PM
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1 vote for sans primary!

Quote:
Originally Posted by rolypoly View Post
I'd love to see some new terms! What do you call your "boyfriend's wife's boyfriend"? Or what about all those shades of grey. There are people in my life that I am in love with and will love for the rest of my life. But, I'm not with them. That needs a name.
I say we tackle this one next.
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  #26  
Old 05-13-2010, 07:52 PM
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I see my OSO once a week alone, and the three of us get together from time to time. I speak with my OSO for about an hour every day. We joke that we probably talk with each other more than most "standard" couples do....
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  #27  
Old 05-14-2010, 03:23 AM
LadyMonterey LadyMonterey is offline
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Default How often do you see your secondary partners?

Hi surfer

All 3 of us have busy lives & we live & work in different parts of town. We all want that independence. I was seeing my primary once a week which, after awhile, scared him (fear of commitment). So he distanced himself. When I noticed that we were seeing each other every 3 weeks, we had a talk & this is when he agreed to share me (for a couple of reasons). Along came J. The plan was to alternate weekends but there was a little competition going on & my weekends got very busy. I no longer let my primary know when I'm seeing J. A month ago, I agreed to share my primary with his ex-girlfriend (which was a difficult thing for me to do but felt it was only fair) ... well, I'm now watching the calendar & I may have to have a chat soon about "my time". How often I see one or the other changes with life's demands & availability. However, my primary sends e-mails that are like love notes, several times a week. And that's really nice. It's his style but it isn't J's. I can't see him do that.

As for meeting each other... I think my 2 guys would get along really well. They have a lot in common, but they both said "No!" when I suggested it. I was ready to meet my primary's ex, welcome her even if it was briefly, for the sake of comfort, but she doesn't want to. I'm being patient because I know they are not familiar with poly. I think in time, I'll insist they meet. I'd want them to be a more cohesive part of my life. I do like some of the things I read concerning this issue & I will probably be a little stronger in suggesting I meet the ex. The 2 men know a lot about each other but she's a secret & I didn't want that in my relationships.

I don't think it matters how often you see someone to use the terms boyfriend/girlfriend. It's the quality of your connection with that person that matters.
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  #28  
Old 05-14-2010, 09:47 PM
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Primary and I live together so see each other almost every day.

Possibility and I have a standing date night once a week which, due to life, sometimes doesn't happen or my kids are here as well *shrug*. It's important to all of us so we make it work some how.

I send texts & emails to Breathes (primary, I hate the word so gave him the name he generally uses for stuff like this) & I email & IM with Possibility.

What no one seems to be covering is the fact that we all need time for ourselves as well. I have a standing date night once a week with myself as well. It's a couple of hours where the kids are at youth group and the guys are out doing their RPG thing so I take the time & use it to do things I enjoy or need to do. Sometimes this night doesn't happen & I'm miserable when it doesn't so I try to take some time through the week to 'meditate my navel' so that if it doesn't happen I'm still ok.

I am my own Primary, any other relationships I have after that are secondary to the one I have with myself.
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  #29  
Old 05-14-2010, 10:17 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Breathesgirl View Post
What no one seems to be covering is the fact that we all need time for ourselves as well. I have a standing date night once a week with myself as well. It's a couple of hours where the kids are at youth group and the guys are out doing their RPG thing so I take the time & use it to do things I enjoy or need to do. Sometimes this night doesn't happen & I'm miserable when it doesn't so I try to take some time through the week to 'meditate my navel' so that if it doesn't happen I'm still ok.
yeah, very good point!

I have had discussions with people talking about how when you add someone into the relationship you add another bond that has to be nurtured.

I actually thing that with a three people poly setup there are actually seven relationships that need to be given time - the three between each of the pairs (even if that is only friendship, there should usually be some sort of trust there and an ability to communicate), plus the dynamic of the three together (which may be very different from any of the pairs), and then the three relationships that the individuals need to have with themselves.

If you lose that last one (and that can happen often quite easily, especially if you are the "hinge" of a V relationship), then it can sometimes get to the point where you totally lose touch with yourself while devoting all your energies to be with your two partners.

It's the one I struggle with the most, too - when I do get time to myself I tend to veg rather than doing the things that are important to me. need to work on that habit. :-)
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  #30  
Old 05-14-2010, 10:22 PM
LadyMonterey LadyMonterey is offline
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Default How often do you see your secondary partners?

I guess I was taking the 'time to myself' for granted. I live alone & have no kids to take care of, but I have a lot of things that keep me busy & that is an attraction for those who also have busy lives. It's the first thing I say when I'm contacted or meet someone, "I have a busy life". And at times I have to follow it with "no I can't see you weeknights". Because if I don't I'll be too exhausted & I'll never get anything done. So yes, I guess I could say that I'm primary. I actually like the sound of that.

Last edited by LadyMonterey; 05-14-2010 at 10:28 PM.
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