Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #21  
Old 05-12-2010, 12:48 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,872
Default

Maybe I am looking at this wrong, but isn't cheating lying? I have always considered them to be the same thing...
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old 05-12-2010, 12:59 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,249
Default

Lying isn't necessarily cheating in terms of "having an affair".
Lying is telling an untruth or falsehood...
Cheating is to violate a rule....

So you could violate a rule without lying and you could lie without violating a rule.

BUT-yes in general I think that generally speaking if you are having an affair you are probably doing both.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 05-12-2010, 01:06 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,872
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Lying isn't necessarily cheating in terms of "having an affair".
Lying is telling an untruth or falsehood...
Cheating is to violate a rule....

So you could violate a rule without lying and you could lie without violating a rule.

BUT-yes in general I think that generally speaking if you are having an affair you are probably doing both.
Thats, I was just simplifying. I know its rare, but I do have it in me sometimes
Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old 05-12-2010, 01:16 AM
Mohegan's Avatar
Mohegan Mohegan is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 756
Default

Yeah, I think cheating is lying because to me that form of ommission is lying. But I was referring to the fact that this whole situation has been one lie after another to cover his ass b/c he was so afraid I would leave. I almost divorced him 3yrs ago, he says he was covering up b/c he was so afraid I'd really do it this time. I gave him a freeby night, come clean about everything and I won't yell, won't leave you, we'll figure it all out. And he still lied. over and over and over. That is what I can't get over. Everytime he said I had the whole storey and the next day I'd find out something else.


LR- I think you are right, the world isn't set up for people to be truthful, and that just plain out sucks. I truly do want honesty. Had he been honest from the begining last july when all this started (for this round) maybe something could have been worked out to save all this pain. Not saying that honesty doesn't bring pain. It is hard to hear what you aren't prepared to hear, but honesty does make it a bit easier. Knowing that they respect you enough to be honest with you, means so much.

It's going to be a long road with some overgrown paths, probably even a few cliffs and mountains along the way, but we'll get through it. And we'll be stronger and better because of it.
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old 05-12-2010, 01:23 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,249
Default

I hear you Mohegan. I swear-you might find a friend in Maca (my husband).

He did that with me several times, "I just want it all out on the table, the truth, the whole truth, nothing but the truth, then we'll sort it out from there."

I just COULDN'T do it. I was unable to process in my heart/mind that telling him something true-that I couldn't explain, but knew would hurt him AND would be taken wrong (he would assume it was because I didn't love him enough or that I loved someone else or more or that he wasn't good enough in bed etc) and would further damage his self-esteem...... could be a good action.

I felt like telling him the truth was dropping my guilt onto his shoulders to bare, unfairly. SO I didn't tell.

I had a lot to share-but I just couldn't do it.
Because THE WHOLE TRUTH was so complicated I didn't have words for it.
I could have said, "I had an affair". But I couldn't explain the depth of why.
I could have said, " I love you both" but I couldn't explain the depth of why.
I could have said, " I can't stop it's killing me"-and I did, but I couldn't explain why.

So telling him just seemed like a pointless game of "how badly can I hurt you before you leave".
Seemed like it would have been better to just do the best I could until I knew how.

Shitty. I know.
I still feel guilty.
I still cry myself to sleep sometimes.
There are times I don't spend with GG when I'm scheduled to, because the guilt gets to me all over again-and GG has the same issue.

It sucks.

Most people say I should have just left.
But that was obviously not right as well.

Ah joy...
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #26  
Old 05-12-2010, 01:40 AM
ak2381 ak2381 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Charleston, WV
Posts: 119
Default

Cheating is near impossible to get over. It can be done. It can be forgiven, in time, lots of time, but it won't be forgotten. Because if it ever happens again, then that first time will be dredged up. It will remind you that you already forgave.
I found out about all of them at once for me. I kind of always knew about L. She was the threesome we had where she stalked my husband and he slept with her later on. She was constantly calling and texting him. When I would pick up the phone she got very hostile. He knew I didn't like her yet he never ignored her or told her to go away. I finally did that. L was his brother's roommate. It was just too easy to go "visit his brother". But I would always ask and he would always deny. I had no proof. Nothing to go on except my gut feeling. So I kept letting it go.
When he finally admitted it burned through and through. It burned deeper than J. Even though I had become friends with J and had broken promises and words from her as well. The fact that he slept with someone as evil as L, and yes she is evil and I hate girls like that especially when they get what they want. She is a slutty drug addict that if I ever face again I might knock her head off and I know I could take her.
Mohegan - You have worded why you are trying to forgive and work things out wonderfully. Those are all the things I have felt as I try to move past the cheating. It isn't so much him sleeping with someone else or the cheating. That part does hurt, don't get me wrong. But the lying takes away so much from the marriage. The lying strips away all belief, trust and communication and is so hard to get back.
I love DH so incredibly much. But he knows I do not trust him anymore. There have been too many lies. Even after I found out about J. He has attempted to lie again. But I watch him so closely now that he is caught very quickly and last time I almost walked out. I told him he might as well keep his date with J because I wouldn't be home. It had nothing to do with J this time. Why punish her? She has not lied to me since. At least that I am aware of. And I trust that she hasn't.
DH I watch so much closer because for some reason he finds it harder to be honest with me. When I almost walked out he came after me. He wouldn't leave my side all night. I have to admit I sat around and did the most boring stuff to see if I could bore him enough with my night. Wanted to see how serious he was. And he never budged. Just smiled and spoiled me rotten. He has been open more since then. I have questioned him even more. That is just how it goes. I love him, plain and simple. And as long as we are committed then we can work through this.
I hope you feel the same in your marriage. It is so hard and takes so much work. Many people will say it can't work. Cheating into polyamory. But it takes change for all parties involved. It takes communication not just with the husband and wife but with the wife and gf (husband and bf, or whatever the combination). I hope in time you will be able to talk to her. You might be surprised when you hear her answers to the questions you have for her.
You want to hate her and call her a whore and a husband stealing bitch. That isn't always the case. J is not that case. I wanted so much to hate her in the beginning. But DH wouldn't let me. He did everything in his power so I wouldn't. And I am glad. And now I don't. She is a very dear friend.
I still have a hard time with them being together. He is my husbband after all. But if this has to then I am glad it is with someone I care about as well.

Last edited by ak2381; 05-12-2010 at 01:43 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #27  
Old 05-12-2010, 02:04 AM
Mohegan's Avatar
Mohegan Mohegan is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 756
Default Thank you

I just want to say thank you to everyone who has responded. My husband is going to read this tonight. I asked him to. I'm hoping it will give a basis for some more communication.

I originaly joined here to find a community in which I could share my triad relationship. Find tips for when we struggled, meet others etc. And now I feel in a matter of days it has completely shifted. I told him tonight that I feel like the whole triad idea has gone to hell. I don't know that I can ever want a relationship with her now. Maybe one day, but I'm not sure. I love him and he loves her, so I support that. It's going to be hard to figure out, but I support it.

It's weird because I don't think of her as a slut or a homewrecker or anything like that. I have always felt that no one can steal another person. They have to be willing to go. In some ways that has helped things. Because he wasn't willing to go. He's still here. I'm still here.


On a plus side. Part of what I asked from his was for him to make an effort to make plans together. For him to make a date for us, for him to show me he gave a damn about spending time with me. So last night he asked me what I wanted to do today. I needed to get a dress for the wedding I am officiating at the end of the month so asked if we could go shopping, get groceries and I needed to work in some physical activity so could we walk around the mall? He HATES to shop, but he went, no complaints the whole day. It was so nice to spend the day together. No fighting no grumpiness. It was actually a really nice day together.
Reply With Quote
  #28  
Old 05-12-2010, 02:30 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mohegan View Post
Maybe he is a serial cheater. But I think it is more that to him sex is sex and love is love and they do not need to meet. We have been discussing a poly lifestyle for yrs. But it seems like everytime I get to a point of trusting him and being okay with it, I find out he cheated.
Wait now.... If he is able to separate sex from love then I would be reticent to suggest continuing to find a poly relationship. Poly people, for the most part, and as far as I have seen, seem to mix the two. Otherwise they are swingers no? Perhaps some swinging is in order? You could go along and watch him enjoy himself and get his needs met and not have to have another woman in his life at all.

I have a friend who has a boyfriend like that. He likes to have sex with women, but doesn't seem all that interested in having any kind of loving relationship of substance with them. My friend has a primary common law husband that she lives with and has a life with also. It seems to work for them as her husband has a disability and is not very social. She loves being at home with him... but she calls on her social boyfriend to do things out in the community, such as SM events etc. He gets some personal closeness with her and sex too, and loves her, but he is free to go to swingers parties... and have casual sex with pretty much whomever he takes a fancy too.

Perhaps your hubby would suit an arrangement similar to this in the way that you would make it your own.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #29  
Old 05-12-2010, 02:52 AM
Mohegan's Avatar
Mohegan Mohegan is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 756
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Wait now.... If he is able to separate sex from love then I would be reticent to suggest continuing to find a poly relationship.

Perhaps your hubby would suit an arrangement similar to this in the way that you would make it your own.
If it weren't that he fell in love with his g/f I'd agree that maybe we could give that idea a try. That is another thing that is bothering me. He says he can have sex without emotions getting involved, yet somehow he fell for her.
Reply With Quote
  #30  
Old 05-12-2010, 12:10 PM
ak2381 ak2381 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Charleston, WV
Posts: 119
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mohegan View Post
If it weren't that he fell in love with his g/f I'd agree that maybe we could give that idea a try. That is another thing that is bothering me. He says he can have sex without emotions getting involved, yet somehow he fell for her.
Mohegan, yes I have heard that from DH as well! But obviously not all sex is just casual. He found his exception where it lead to love and now we are left handling the emotions that go with it. Trying to be behappy and accepting them for who they are. I love DH but how did he not see this coming!
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
cheating, compulsive lying, deception, forgiveness

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 02:34 AM.