Children and Polyamory

[Mark1npt]

Nothing wrong with a good education, Redpepper. Love to see parents do some actual parenting!

Our kids are off to college, one is pretty open sexually and the other very tight. We are choosing to wait to tell them about our "V" until we are all very secure in our "V" and at the same time they are gaining familiarity with the 3 of us great friends living under the same roof. It makes it easier for us and them because my other life love has vacationed and lived across the street with us their whole lives. Familiarity should take the edge off the news for them and make it easier.

[Nadine]

thanks for the input guys.
I hate to in ANY way complicate my child's life, or make him more "different" or whatever. While I know in the long run it's what is best sometimes you strive so hard to just avoid ANY sort of thing that can cause them hurt.
I'm really hoping to learn from you guys, especially the more open ones. I doubt there will be much openness with my bf's family, since they are mostly closed minded mormons however I would like to not have to hide it otherwise.

[DestinyWaits]

We have 2 normal, well rounded teens who have not been traumatized by the fact that they have always known their parents were poly. At first we introduced our others as friends then the kids would just get used to seeing them there but as they got older we would tell them the truth, to them this was just normal so they were cool with it. We chose, when we started having kids, to never lie to our kids or hide anything from them but as with any "marriage" what goes on behind closed doors stays there (ie, we don't discuss our sex life with the children). I have always taught my kids to be who and what they are and to do and be that which will make them proud of themselves. I have also taught them never to let anyone else dictate how they feel about themselves or the things they do (though I do think staying within the confines of the law is good ) I have also tried to instill in them the wisdom to make choices wisely and with an open mind because closed minds are minds that have no way to reach beyond the mundane and there is so much more out there.

[XYZ123]

N and I have a 5 year old boy and a baby on the way. We've only had the one poly relationship, which was a V with me at the center. But the three of us (N, P, and myself) were all very loving and affectionate. He knew P since birth and had always been comfortable with her. When the relationship went beyond friendship he didn't know about that aspect of it. As was said before, what goes on behind closed doors in any marriage remains there. All he knew was that mommy and daddy were happy and Aunt P was around more and he got to have more people who loved him and paid attention to him around more often. He was actually affected more after P left our relationship and pretty much our lives. He missed her and still asks about her over a year later.

Our son has always been raised around friends of differing race, religion, and sexual preference so it isn't unusual for him to see two women or two men together in the same way it isn't unusual for him to see an interracial couple. He's happy when he sees happy people. I think we would have allowed more detail of the relationship come out at his pace had it lasted.

Still, I have a difficult time reconciling being poly with being the mother of young children. I understand what you mean about not wanting them to be viewed as "different". N and I discuss it often, even without any other relationships going on. What it usually comes down to is that we need to be comfortable being ourselves with our children if we are ever to hope to teach them to be comfortable with who they become, whatever that may be.

[redpepper]

thank you destiny and xyz for your words... it is so great to know that what I am doing as a mother actually works! and that others are as open and honest about their lives also. It's so true that we, as parents, can only be ourselves and model happiness and our own personal way of doing things, whatever that means to us...

[Nadine]

Being around others is definitely helping me to feel more comfortable with it. I have to admit, there's not a lot of "alternative" scenes here in Idaho, no matter how hard I look. I've found a few *tiny* groups.. and I'm hoping to find more. I think maybe normalizing it personally will help. A lot.
I love your input. Thank you

[Mark1npt]

America's way of life is based on God and religion. All family life is based around that premise. Sure there are more and more people with each generation (like myself) who are eschewing those old ways and setting off on new trails (like the poly community of today) but it may well take many more generations and a more widespread disinclination toward formal religion, for any major mainstreaming of the poly lifestyle to occur. Of course, radical changes to our way of life by global catastrophe, food shortages, economic collapse, etc would throw many of us together into communal like communities quicker and maybe hasten the overall change in society leading to more poly, but I digress!

Sorry to get off topic. For now, all we can do for our kids is teach and lead by example. If they see love and respect, they'll be loving and respectful. Sounds like some of you fellow parents here are doing a fine job. To the others, it can be daunting and take more time to teach and acclimate your kids to doing things differently in society, but it can have great rewards. We do it already in many ways by teaching about avoiding drugs or driving drunk, etc. What's a little more teaching or parenting?

[DestinyWaits]

M1 is absolutley right. You can have faith and be at peace with God without religion...yes? If what children see (and are raised in) is a loving and commited relationship then that is what they will become,that is what they will emulate.

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by DestinyWaits

If what children see (and are raised in) is a loving and commited relationship then that is what they will become,that is what they will emulate.

Even better if they are raised by the community we create for them! I grew up in church and it was my community. Now my boy is being raised in a community also of loving adults that care about each other and also his well being...with out the religion....

he is so lucky it makes me so happy. I waited a long time to have a child specifically so I would be in a place to give him everything. I really am glad I waited until I was strong and well rounded so that I knew what I wanted and could then offer him anything and everything. Lots of close loving people around him was on top of the list!

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by redpepper

Lots of close loving people around him was on top of the list!

Count me in... in any way I can be