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Old 05-11-2010, 01:45 AM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2010
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Default What's the difference?

I am looking over a site that was suggested to me, to help me come to terms with my current relationship problems and I came across something that got thinking.

It was about being a secure person. Basicaly saying if you are secure in who you are that jealousy won't be much of an issue for you in a poly realationship. I was fairly secure with myself before I got sick. I was incredibly confident and it allowed me to appreciate others strengths without feeling a need to compare myself. About 6 yrs ago I had to start hormone therepy which put my body into menopause at 21. I ended up gaining almost 100 lbs in 6 months due to all the medications. Along the same time several things happened that made me question my abilities in a lot of areas of my life. I began to doubt everything I thought I was. Even now that I am back in college I feel like I am constantly having to prove to myself that I can make a go of this. That I am talented enough to make this my career. Because it seems like everytime I think, "Ok I've got this. This is going to turn out really well." It doesn't. Or someone just blows me away. This has caused a lot of issues with me. Including several major depressive episodes.

I'm not completely down on myself. I know who I am and I know my strengths and am working on my weaknesses. It has taken awhile to back to where I am now, but I am fearful I will lose it all again. I am constantly second guessing myself. Even tonight. My husband had his g/f over. I had given him a backrub earlier in the day because he was stiff. He said he felt a lot better. Yet when she got here, he had her give him one and kept saying how great it was to be able to move again. It was a huge hit to me. Something that simple. I felt like I wasn't good enough. Years ago I would have been okay with it. I would have been happy that he had someone to help him better than I could. But tonight, I felt like a worthless human being, simply b/c he asked her for a back rub as well.

So my questions are: When does confidence become cockiness? How do you hold onto security when the world keeps knocking you down? Do you ever fear you are wrong, that you don't have the right to feel confident in a certain situation? Does conficence make it harder or easier to relate to others? How do I get over comparing myself to her? Up until I found out about their affair, this wasn't an issue. Now it seems to be a constant thing.
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