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  #11  
Old 05-07-2010, 08:38 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Originally Posted by rpcrazy View Post
I suppose i concede that point to your more wise comment. I guess that was my point in posting was because, those were some issues I never managed to argue with confidence. The idea that we're young commonly comes to mind because she seemed to have a larger amount and variety of issues than any person i've ever talked to you or seen have on a forum :/ And mostly people i've talked to or seen were older. But I digress.
We all have challenges with certain things. Its good just to air them out. I find allot of solace in reading other peoples questions and thinking about them. I know at some point I will have to deal with all these challenges again...hopefully I build the tools to deal with them, this site and the amazing people I have met here have been a huge help.
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  #12  
Old 05-07-2010, 11:48 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Originally Posted by KatTails View Post
Quath - thank you for that reminder. I have an extremely hard time with this way of thinking. I'm always insecure about how my husband, 2rings, feels about me compared to how he feels about Morningglory. He basically tells me the same thing you said - but I have a difficult time believing him. It helps to hear someone else say it. Now I just need to believe it.
Maybe you could make a list of traits in yourself that are good?
People are REALLY good at listing the bad things-we forget that it's just as important to LIST the good things too.
Not just say "thanks"and walk on having never really heard the compliments.

What is it that YOU are good at?
What is your best feature?
What do you like about you Kat?
(Maybe make a whole thread on what is good about you?)
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  #13  
Old 05-07-2010, 11:54 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Originally Posted by rpcrazy View Post
I suppose i concede that point to your more wise comment. I guess that was my point in posting was because, those were some issues I never managed to argue with confidence. The idea that we're young commonly comes to mind because she seemed to have a larger amount and variety of issues than any person i've ever talked to you or seen have on a forum :/ And mostly people i've talked to or seen were older. But I digress.
Confidence in debate comes from knowing your point and believing it and knowing you opponent. Friends, family, lovers...if you know what you know and want, and believe it to be true than you walk in with confidence.

Keeping in mind, its alright to admit you are wrong

by asking questions, you are getting some of your knowledge...you are also getting a variety of answers that will give you the ability to form your own perspective...

Digress away...we all seem to do it
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  #14  
Old 05-09-2010, 11:40 AM
capricorny capricorny is offline
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Default This shouldn't be an issue at all

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Originally Posted by rpcrazy View Post
....
what about kids?
This was our biggest issue. Which was funny because, she knew I had a 5 year old (turning 6 in JULY!!!) already, but...whatever. What If I had a child with another women that i loved BEFORE her? Would she become the "primary"? Or what if the other women didn't believe in abortion or the pill or anything? She's always have to worry about it.
....
I don't think you are really poly, just poly inclined/oriented, when this could be an issue, and even the biggest.

1. You simply don't get fluid bonded with secondaries when your primary is not feeling completely secure in the situation.
2. The most insecure of you two always has to determine the pace, so if other partners demand fluid bonding with you before she is ready for it, and they can't accept a "no", you let them go. But you love them, you say? Sure, but do you REALLY have to fuck everyone you love?
3. Children ALWAYS have to be the subject of negotiation. So, simply put, as long as she is your primary, she is in control of your breeding behavior. And vice versa. When you father a child, you normally take on obligations that may change all your relationships in a fundamental way. and you simply don't do that outside of your primary relationship if she does not actively support it.

This follows, simply and directly, from basic polyamory rules.
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  #15  
Old 05-09-2010, 05:17 PM
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I don't think you are really poly, just poly inclined/oriented, when this could be an issue, and even the biggest.
I think you're sort of assuming what the "issue" was, in stating that i'm not poly. I'M POLY, but she's not. And right now we're in a wonderful/rocky relationship.

The questions asked to comment on, are for the most part, in the past. However one of the things we constantly talked about is kids. What if there was a mistake? What if condoms broke, and minds were changed about keeping it. All sorts of crazy hypothetical situations. To her, getting into a poly dynamic was getting into it knowing there was a possibility for alot of things to happen, and that scared her. Yes, in theory the kid issue is easy. You set rules, you govern them, and everything is alright. But shit happens...and i'm sure alot of people on here can tell you that. And she's smart enough to know that too. Alot of her worries were based on fear obviously, but it's one of the many things we talked about, and also one of her biggest concerns...stuff that lands in the "shit happens" category.

In any case, it's just something I wanted to get people's opinions on. How would you discuss it? What would you say? What do you think? It's great for reflection, and future discussions with other poly couples and people.
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  #16  
Old 05-09-2010, 06:03 PM
capricorny capricorny is offline
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Default Why not turn it over to her?

OK. It was very easy to interpret what you wrote in another way. You didn't explicitly mention the "shit happens"-perspective, which makes it very different. And I wasn't the first one to interpret it that way.

In that case, why not turn it over to her? What kind of safety level would be good enough for her. Let her define the standards. For example, if you always use condom AND abstain from ejaculating inside the other partners, the likelihood of conception is practically nil. Dont try to tell me something else. The same would apply for most other problems. Make her do some simple probability calculations, and compare with other risks in daily life, would bring out clearly how ridiculous her fears would be. My question here is: Would you be willing to let her set the rules in this way, subject only to adjustments from negotioation?

And what would YOUR position be? If, in spite of all precautions, a partner gets pregnant without you being technically to blame, it turns out you are the father, and she refuses to have an abortion.
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  #17  
Old 05-09-2010, 07:29 PM
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rpcrazy rpcrazy is offline
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Quote:
You didn't explicitly mention the "shit happens"-perspective
Sorry about the confusion. Didn't mean for my words to be mis-interrupted.

Quote:
My question here is: Would you be willing to let her set the rules in this way, subject only to adjustments from negotiation?
Well of course i'd let her set the rules!!! hahah. But I completely dis-agree with your "weakest-link" theory. Naturally, the most insecure person is the person who is going to try and set the rules. Because rules make life safe, and that's why insecure people need them. While, i don't think that's fair, it's inevitable really...there's no way around it in a loving and understanding relationship. However I don't agree to your notion that automatic contention is what's right and just. It's the DUTY of the insecure to become more security with their reality, just as much as it the DUTY of the stronger link to be just that, a strong link and support to the lesser. I pride myself in my ability to change, and be versatile to all obstacles in life, and i expect no less from others. To remain stagnant is to beckon death.

Quote:
And what would YOUR position be?
yay i'm a daddy!! lol. I'm a bit confused by this question. What other position would I be in, in opposition?


My g/f is actually very much like MonoVCPHG, a frequent poster on here. Though we got into this because she fell in love with me while already in love with another(which is...debatable, for reason no discussed). Eventually, she realized you could only have one person into her life sexually. She wasn't having sex with her main partner, when she was with me. And i'm pretty sure there was never a time she wasn't having sexual relations with me. She views sex as the end-all tell-all emotional black-hole. Once you let a person in like that, there's no goin' back. And emotionally, she can only handle giving that to one person. At least, i think I got that right, that may be a bad analogy though.

In any case, we decided to stay monogamous because of past issues with how we got started, and the fact that she can only handle one person in like that. As far as me, i'm poly. But it's an going debate if my "poly-ness" is a need or a want. She has trust issues with me, and we need to work on that before I delve into any other relationships.

The difference between me and her is, she views sex as the means to an end, and I view sex as the end to means. think I'll make a thread on that.
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  #18  
Old 05-10-2010, 01:25 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Originally Posted by capricorny View Post

This follows, simply and directly, from basic polyamory rules.
Where do these come from and who created them? There are no Poly experts to my knowledge, no people who own the term or define it with any authority. There are some zealous poly theorists and people who express how poly should be based on limited life experiences and feel their interpretation is the right one (But for the most part they are easily identified and dismissed).

I think I took this comment out of context and apologize if I did my friend. It happens
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Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 05-10-2010 at 01:31 AM.
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  #19  
Old 05-10-2010, 01:49 AM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
Where do these come from and who created them? There are no Poly experts to my knowledge, no people who own the term or define it with any authority. There are some zealous poly theorists and people who express how poly should be based on limited life experiences and feel their interpretation is the right one (But for the most part they are easily identified and dismissed).

I think I took this comment out of context and apologize if I did my friend. It happens
I was thinking the same thing and wondering why no one had ever handed me the poly rulebook.
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  #20  
Old 05-10-2010, 02:04 AM
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rpcrazy rpcrazy is offline
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someone SHOULD write a poly handbook. In my personal experience, explaining this poly side of me, is that talking about why the world is round 100's of years ago. If someone could write CWG-like book about polyamory, it'd be alot easier hahaha.
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