Newbie Discomfort? Need Advice!

Hello!

I am new to poly and just looking for a little advice/understanding/perspective.

About a month ago, I went on a first date with someone I met on OKCupid. He was very forward about being in an open relationship, I didn't realize at the time that it was more than casual dating. He explained the situation, that he has a girlfriend who he lives with. None of that scared me as I am a fairly adventurous person and am not easily scared. I believe the most rewarding situations are often the scariest.

I met his girlfriend on the second date, I hope to become good friends with her, and I can see how they are great for each other! He recently said he loves me, I was a little more conservative, not wanting to get hurt. But eventually it just kinda fell out which is great because I know I wasn't over-thinking it! The relationship is loving, supportive, we have great talks, and he really makes my toes curl!

The trouble spot for me is I don't seem to feel comfortable showing how much I care about him in public, or even semi-public, especially around his gf. I was at his house with his gf and a few friends playing video games but I felt uncomfortable kissing him in front of the others. I also felt odd about posting on facebook for Valentine's Day, I'm not big on V-day anyway but normally I would have said something sweet and simple. It's just really flustering to want to kiss him and show a little classy PDA but I'm always worried someone will know him and his gf and start asking questions and take sides and then I worry about the gf getting jealous. I also don't get to see him a lot since I live on the other side of the city so I just really want to be with him whole-heartedly when I do see him.

Does anyone have any advice or thoughts? Even other tips for newbies would be great!

<3 Kcarie

Talk to him about PDA in general. What is he comfortable with? Do these things worry him?
Talk to the gf about showing affection in front of her if you think it's an issue.

Communication. Lots of it. That's the only advice I have.

Aww, in love after only a month. You hardly know each other, but ain't NRE grand?


Yep, ditto what Invi said. Ask both of them what they are comfortable with and if there are any places where you cannot publicly be affectionate, or people to watch out for. And then just relax and be yourself. Walking on eggshells around someone always sucks. If there is fallout or gossip because someone they know saw you smooch or something, you'll just deal with it like grown-ups. If you're always going to be afraid to make a move or cause waves, poly might not be for you.

I wouldn't feel comfortable being affectionate with my other partners in front of each other either. Just like if I was in your situation i wouldn't be comfortable with the pda in front of a metamore either

Thank you so much for the encouragement everyone! And nycindie, you are right, NRE is wonderful!

So lots of communication, got it! I started to bring it up the next night but I don't think I fully understand why it bothers me so its hard to put into words.

Plus, they are affectionate with each other in front of me and that isn't a bother. In fact I like seeing them happy together (compersion, right?), and he is affectionate with me, I just have a hard time reciprocating.

I also admit that all of this is very new and it may just take some time to get used to it.

kcl2 said:

Plus, they are affectionate with each other in front of me and that isn't a bother. In fact I like seeing them happy together (compersion, right?), and he is affectionate with me, I just have a hard time reciprocating.

I also admit that all of this is very new and it may just take some time to get used to it.

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Take your time. Everything is new, not all comes naturally... there is no rush. It has only been one month! With some more time you might just figure out what exactly it is that bothers you. In the meanwhile enjoy what you have! It sounds like a very enjoyable poly dynamic between you all!

Re (from kcl2):

"I started to bring it up the next night but I don't think I fully understand why it bothers me so it's hard to put into words."

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How about, "I would like to show a little affection to [boyfriend] when you [girlfriend] are around, a kiss or stuff like that, but first I want to ask if that's okay. Also, is it okay to do that in front of other people as well?"

I don't see a need to articulate why it would bother you to not engage in PDA's. People who are in love like to show affection to each other. Just about anyone would understand that.

Nadya said:

Take your time. Everything is new, not all comes naturally... there is no rush.

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Thanks Nadya! Perhaps I feel rushed because the relationship started quickly and feelings came up really fast. I will try to just enjoy this time!

<3 Kcarie