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Old 05-09-2010, 04:50 PM
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MrRusty MrRusty is offline
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Default Everyone is Poly underneath

Hey, just come out of a conversation with my poor hurting mono partner - poly is new but feels like a homecoming to me. Anyway we talked about guys she has enjoyed in the past. How wonderful is that, less than a week in? What a woman!

Bear that in mind - I am on a bit of a high as you read this and any dedicated monos please don't be offended it's just a theory born of the exuberance of this moment in my life.

Anyway, there will be more preamble than theory if I don't start soon:

I think everyone is poly really. After all we don't love our kids mono-fashion, we don't love only one of our parents (usually), we have multiple friendship partners. At our best we fill the world with mutual affirmation and love.

But, but, but - when it comes to sex, we are frightened. Male lions eat the cubs of the lionesses they will soon have sex with when they join a new pride. deep down we have this visceral fear of what might go wrong if we are not sure about who belongs to whom. Which children are mine, which women are mine, which man is mine? It's all insecurity driven.

Society has internalised this fear and protects us against it with monogamy. In religious words, marriage is God's gift to a broken world.

Underneath all that we are all bubbling over with love for each other. It's just human nature. But as with other aspects of life, most of us - all of us to a certain extent - allow our thoughts to be strongly influenced, even controlled by the society of our peers. In short social norms become our innermost thoughts. We repress all this and accept monogamy as the 'natural way'.

Into this world, from time to time are born and maybe nurtured, children with enough self-assuredness to question society and to analyse their own thoughts. They're not anything special, no amazing insight, no superior intellect, just an odd ability to distance themselves from society more than can the common man (man embraces woman throughout (teehee)).

We - I'm one - score high on business measures such as "challenging the established way of doing things". And with our vision thus unclouded we conjure a picture of a world where love flows freely between us all, where we can all express ourselves fully and freely with neither guilt nor jealousy.

And a few of us are brave enough - even if it takes decades - to try and make it happen in reality. In bits and pieces, baby step by baby step we want to liberate ourselves and those around us. We want to permit love to be expressed wherever it bubbles through. No guilt, so shame, no secrets.

Mono is, I believe, just an acceptance of the social norm and the fear that drives that norm. It's not the natural state of loving humans. One day we shall see its demise, and the world will be joyful.

I'll get me coat.

Rusty
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Old 05-09-2010, 05:10 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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You are making a lot of broad sweeping generalizations based on something you believe. As a poly person I can appreciate the core of what you are saying but my parents would disagree and I would agree with them. I disagree with the multitude of "everyone" statements.

Don't put your beliefs on other people...its annoying. Religion has been doing this for years, zealots and the like.

Reading this reminds me of those people that claim everyone is bi-sexual (the real great ones say only women are all bi-sexual)...this just isn't true either.

There is no one thing in personality or behaviour and their combinations, anywhere that applies to everyone. Gotta love being human eh?

As an aside, there are a number of mono people here trying to deal with their partner being poly. Read through some threads and their pain of just not getting it. Can't fathom polyamory..its just not in their wiring. You kind of insult them by claiming "everyone is poly, they just haven't found it/loved it/lived it/discovered it"

Applying polyamory to children is grand...but children are different than "loves"...polyamory for me is about romantic/sexual/intimate relationships.

I also have to say, this discussion, as it continues will likely shed light onto why I am not out as "poly" but out as "open"...poly is vague, left to interpretation and has a large number of people that view poly as very different than I do. I identify as poly simply because of my experience of being in love with two people at once...I don't identify with it because I intend to walk around loving everyone in their own way. Its just not my thing.

Last edited by Ariakas; 05-09-2010 at 05:36 PM.
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Old 05-09-2010, 05:20 PM
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Breathesgirl Breathesgirl is offline
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Why get your coat? I happen to agree with you, lol.

I've said that for the last four years--everyone is poly to some extent whether they'll admit it or not. The hermit is about the ONLY person who isn't some sort of poly, lol, and that's only because he never goes out of his cabin in the woods.

Man is NOT a solitary creature.

If you want to get all religious God said to go forth and multiply. He didn't say how many times nor with how many people.

I've only mentioned my theory to a couple of other people but one of them was most definitely against it, lol. He is no longer in my life & we're much better off without him any way, .
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Old 05-09-2010, 05:23 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MrRusty View Post
I think everyone is poly really.
As with most things involved with the human experience, there's a broad range of what folks are going to find works for them individually. When speaking of romantic relationships, there will be folks who are strictly monogamous and only ever have one partner, folks who are serially monogamous, folks who are poly and only comfortable with two partners, folks who can handle three or four partners, folks who feel comfortable with a Rolodex full of partners, those who are comfortable only with vees, those comfortable only with triads, and on and on. Any attempt to generalize all humans as being naturally suited for one subset of that variety is bound to be inaccurate at its foundation.

So, while I would agree that more people could enjoy doing poly than currently do, I disagree that everybody is naturally suited to doing poly.

OK, I'm finished applying the wet blanket. Enjoy your newfound liberation!
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When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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Old 05-09-2010, 05:27 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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I have a wet blanket:

Even if "everyone" "really" "is" poly, it's not as though everyone is going to be compatible, so I see the OP as an exercise in intellectual masturbation (not in a bad way, unless you'd consider masturbation a "bad" thing). Even if it could be proved 1000% beyond a doubt, I don't think it would make too much difference in practice:

"ok, so everyone is polyamorous to some degree whether they realize it or not. What now?"

Do we all go out and get fluid-bonded with each other?
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Old 05-09-2010, 05:48 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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I'm not going to rain on your parade LOL......this is a topic I don't even debate anymore other then to say I don agree with sweeping satements and certainly not this idea.
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Old 05-09-2010, 06:00 PM
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MrRusty MrRusty is offline
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Default No no - not a shagfest!

I can see how a couple of you have interpreted what I wrote - so before that goes off in a silly direction I don't think the world should be a shagfest. I just mean that in an ideal world we should be as initimate as we are comfortable with, with whoever we feel comfortable with, whenever. Without rules and judgement, just driven by our love. Just an old hippy really.
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Old 05-09-2010, 06:21 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MrRusty View Post
- I just mean that in an ideal world we should be as initimate as we are comfortable with, with whoever we feel comfortable with, whenever.
this is a great statement I totally agree.
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Old 05-09-2010, 06:38 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MrRusty View Post
I can see how a couple of you have interpreted what I wrote - so before that goes off in a silly direction I don't think the world should be a shagfest. I just mean that in an ideal world we should be as initimate as we are comfortable with, with whoever we feel comfortable with, whenever. Without rules and judgement, just driven by our love. Just an old hippy really.
Thanks, that makes perfect sense Thanks for clarifying
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Old 05-09-2010, 10:11 PM
saudade saudade is offline
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Quote:
Mono is, I believe, just an acceptance of the social norm and the fear that drives that norm.
My two cents is that anyone who knows that they don't have to be monogamous and chooses to be anyway deserves credit enough to be trusted with their own choice on the matter. It's one thing to wax poetically about the masses who've never thought that there might be another way, or to quote Kinsey on how sexually permissive they might secretly be under the surface, or whatever... But those who make an informed choice about themselves? Let them have their way, especially since we're asking the same of them.

Personally, I think there's a poly/mono scale much like the hetero/homo one Kinsey developed. Some people are stuck on one side or the other, so much so that they can't conform to dominant social pressure on the matter. Some are in the middle, often leaning in one direction but sometimes truly able to go either way.

Quote:
I can see how a couple of you have interpreted what I wrote - so before that goes off in a silly direction I don't think the world should be a shagfest. I just mean that in an ideal world we should be as initimate as we are comfortable with, with whoever we feel comfortable with, whenever. Without rules and judgement, just driven by our love. Just an old hippy really.
As long as non-participation is an option, and self-limited participation is an option, that sounds dandy to me too.
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