Explaining My Poly Needs to a Mono Partner

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by capricorny

Sure, you have well have that notion of friendship. But, mine is somewhat different, and somehow I feel pretty sure about it being right _for me_, though it will take a lot of time to fully explain. It's rooted in different philosophies, I think :-)

That is very cool...could you start a thread to share that philosophy..not to be debated but shared. I think lots of people could benefit from that

Take care
Mono

[capricorny]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

That is very cool...could you start a thread to share that philosophy..not to be debated but shared. I think lots of people could benefit from that

Take care
Mono

I'll give it a try, but first in Norwegian, on our own polyamory blog, Magic Penny.
BTW, I like the form of communication here, it's so "polyamory" to me.. :-)

[MrRusty]

Originally Posted by Zenchild

once you've opened your heart and mind, you're poly?

See - you just know. Or you could walk my road of ignorance and repression and pretend you are not for thirty years and see what kind of havoc that wreaks with your life and your psyche.

In your position I would struggle with the idea that I was expected to give up the new love. I think you might regret that the rest of your days. Okay so in an ideal world we'd all know ourselves so well we'd lay our polyamity out before any new love before making any commitment but who knows about that at 18 or 20? I know I didn't.

I want to say, about the no-sex thing. It's only a friends-only relationship if you don't WANT sex. If you do want to, but choose not to for conventional or compassionate reasons (eg to help a mono partner), it's still a polyamerous relationship, primarily because you are in love rather than just lust.

I have no evidence, but it is my belief that if you aren't interested in sex, you aren't in love.

Hey, thanks for sharing and thanks for all the other posts. It's so great to be here at last.

[MrRusty]

Hey - perhaps we should campaign to get polyamity taught in schools? How cool would that be, and what sort of world might it make?

[capricorny]

Originally Posted by MrRusty

I have no evidence, but it is my belief that if you aren't interested in sex, you aren't in love.

Well, I think you may be able to provide evidence for that, if you try. As a statistical relationship, I feel quite confident that it holds up well. Love is, in a sense, much about unification, and sex may be a close-at.hand and "natural" manifestation of that. In a general sense, it is more problematic. You might happen to be an angel stranded here on Earth you know.. And the more closely related the different aspects of love turn out to be, the weaker the association might get. "Love thy neighbor" doesn't mean you should want to fuck him.

[MrRusty]

Originally Posted by capricorny

You might happen to be an angel stranded here on Earth you know..

Haha - aren't we all that really? Spirit and body ineffably joined. My religious past is leaking through now. Must be that comment about angels, I've never been called that before. :-P

[capricorny]

Originally Posted by MrRusty

Haha - aren't we all that really? Spirit and body ineffably joined. My religious past is leaking through now. Must be that comment about angels, I've never been called that before. :-P

OK, an angel then, unable to love without craving for sex...

[MrRusty]

"unable to love without craving for sex"

sounds like a fallen angel to me!

[Zenchild]

Originally Posted by capricorny

OK, an angel then, unable to love without craving for sex...

Thanks for making me laugh out loud!

It's interesting that this started a side discussion of loving friendship vs. romantic love, perhaps not the best way to describe it but after reading the comments i'm unsure I could do better without writing a full length book with footnotes and reference links.

What I do know... is something others have said in various posts...and which goes back to my very first sentence. You simply know. In my heart and soul I know that I am IN love with this person....it vibrates both spiritually and physically. I also have this same feeling for my husband. And the one thing that's surprised me most, as I open myself to embracing how I truly feel for my friend, is that I also feel as if i'm falling in love with my husband all over again.

Of course what i'm struggling with is the anxiety that he very well might not be able to accept this, or want to be with me if a poly relationship is what I choose to work on.

Like MrRusty i'm well past my twenties and have slogged through several relationships constantly pushing aside my feelings. For me that meant an up and down cycle of severe depression...the more I hide my feelings and pull on the 'good Mono girlfriend' costume, the more I shut down the spark that feeds my soul. It's a feeling of suffocating and slowly losing one's 'self'. It's not an easy road to get off of but i've done it many times, jumping from one relationship to the next. I got really good at bailing out whenever someone proposed marriage (and the only thing I could consciously find to say in response was..."Sorry i'm not ready for that"). I just had no idea, or role models, and had never heard of polyamory at the time.



Perhaps....you all could share a thought based on what helps (or might have helped) soothe your heart when your partner shares with you their interest in another? I think this is my biggest concern...finding the most compassionate way to tell him as I often get intimidated and just blurt stuff out.

I'm trying to let go of the chip on my shoulder, so that I can help hold my SO close and be there for him.

[capricorny]

Originally Posted by Zenchild

Perhaps....you all could share a thought based on what helps (or might have helped) soothe your heart when your partner shares with you their interest in another? I think this is my biggest concern...finding the most compassionate way to tell him as I often get intimidated and just blurt stuff out.

I'm trying to let go of the chip on my shoulder, so that I can help hold my SO close and be there for him.

What about starting with the Malvina Reynolds syndrome (Magic Penny):

Love is something if you give it away,
Give it away, give it away.
Love is something if you give it away,
You end up having more.

It's just like a magic penny,
Hold it tight and you won't have any.
Lend it, spend it, and you'll have so many
They'll roll all over the floor.