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Old 05-09-2010, 04:33 AM
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ksandra ksandra is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Ontario
Posts: 102
Lightbulb Street Signs and Urban Prophets (ksandra's blog)

Normally I don't write blogs or at least I'm not very good at them but with the sheer amount of things happening lately I feel like maybe it's a good time to start. I'd like to start with a little bit of history about how I came here (I know there's a biography post so maybe I will copy and paste).

I am in my early mid-twenties. I've known I am poly my whole life, my barbies always had numerous lovers and they weren't always Ken dolls. I identify as pansexual since for me it is more about the person than their appearance, age, gender etc. A year and a half ago I met my current primary, T around the time I was starting at university. (I was studying theatre at a Toronto University and will soon be studying in Montreal) He was the first person I ever considered being monogamous with happily, however he encouraged me to date other people since he wasn't ready to settle down yet. So I did date another person who was in an open relationship with his girlfriend, we'll call him R. I later found out R and T were close friends and it wrecked any hope T had of considering an open relationship of any sorts. It also messed things up between him and R, and threw R and I into a very emotionally close relationship though nothing has developed beyond friendship since at T's request.

Since then T and I have worked on building his confidence back up to an open relationship with baby steps, lots of love and many arguments. Now we are finally on the fulcrum of being where we agreed we wanted to be a year and a half ago and I am so proud of him and grateful to have such a wonderful, open minded man in my life. As of today T has a casual relationship with a girl named M and occasionally a man named S. We almost ended up in a triad with a man last year though things never worked out and now we are all friends instead. There is another man on our periphery named E that things are...not so straightforward with and I have started to very cautiously date a man named J. All of these people are in our lives for the moment and we are still working things out between each other and where each of these people stand with us.

I decided to start a blog because I need somewhere where I can unravel my emotions and thoughts on my connection with each of these people, some more than others and it feels like there have been a lot lately. In particular with E and M, mostly E at the moment but I wanted to talk about M for a second. She and T meet up every few weeks and at first it was just for physical pleasure but I think lately they have been trying things out with each other and exploring a lot more. There are things T enjoys that I am not remotely comfortable with or even interested in trying that I know M enjoys and I am happy they have that outlet with each other. Occasionally I have moments where I feel like I have not done my job as a girlfriend since he still has unfulfilled fantasies, but honestly I have tried fulfilling them and it was not a good experience. So if M likes that then I don't have to worry about him trying to get it from me. It's funny how sometimes small things trip you up though. Last night I was having a party at my house that T and M were both at and I jokingly bit T's ear (I have a very physically comfortable group of friends, they're almost all dancers and performers who have zero to no personal space so even if this sounds weird it's the type of thing we do) knowing that it is a very erogenous zone for T since he has told me on numerous occasions it's basically his on button. However, I wasn't really thinking about that as I was doing it, just making a joke. All the same M saw me bite him and quietly went "Uh oh, that's his ear". It completely caught me offguard for a few moments and I'm not sure why. Maybe I wasn't aware how well they had gotten to know each other or how comfortable they were with each other. Regardless I had to disappear into the kitchen and take a few moments to just talk to myself and remind myself that that really is not a big deal and it wasn't a secret between T and me anyway. All the same it's funny. I know they sleep together and they talk and do things that T and I don't do and I am totally fine with all of that, however one mention of his ear and I was sideswiped. I asked T later and he mentioned how they had been talking about erogenous zones a long time ago and we laughed it off. All the same does anyone ever find that little insignificant things like that can totally derail them sometimes?
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