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  #11  
Old 05-07-2010, 12:38 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Originally Posted by YGirl View Post
This is the same thing as when a woman requires an "equal triad" in order feel in control over her partner's relationship with the "third" or other woman. In this case, the man feels as though he is still in control because presumably, women can give other women things that a man can't, but only a man can provide a woman with a Genuine Penile Experience™. Therefore, if there is only one Provider of teh Penis™, his position seems less vulnerable to hostile takeover.
hey, i resemble that remark...

although I would like to say, I don't feel in control, in fact I was the third person inline with any say...I can plainly see what see the what and why of how the relationship structure will be built but niehter control it or change it on my own ...I am slowly working on breaking down those walls...

And as a funny aside...you should TOTALLY market a strap-on called "Genuine Penile Experience" hahahaha...I was going to say my wife can provide that fun too...but it isn't labelled Genuine
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  #12  
Old 05-07-2010, 12:40 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
And as a funny aside...you should TOTALLY market a strap-on called "Genuine Penile Experience" hahahaha...I was going to say my wife can provide that fun too...but it isn't labelled Genuine
Let someone else do the work and send me the check.
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  #13  
Old 05-07-2010, 03:02 PM
Darknyss Darknyss is offline
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That guy in the op's story used to be me right down to the bone. Jealous as all hell. Stubborn too, for that matter. But if I can come to the understanding that my wants were selfish, he can too. I'm probably the last person to be giving advice, but I'mma do it anyway. Sit down and talk with him, let him know that this isn't acceptable, and that you want your fair share of freedom too. It's not an unreasonable request at all, and if your husband loves you, he'll come to see that, surely.
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  #14  
Old 05-07-2010, 03:37 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Yea - I'm kind of with most of the rest of the replies here.
This really has little to do with love and more to do with sex it would seem.
You have to keep that distinction in mind.

There's obvious power struggles here, insecurities, fears etc and those are all things we strive to banish in our lives.

But like any habit - the first step to forward movement is acknowledgment.

The calling a spade a spade part.

GS
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  #15  
Old 05-07-2010, 06:34 PM
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rpcrazy rpcrazy is offline
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Quote:
There's obvious power struggles here, insecurities, fears etc and those are all things we strive to banish in our lives.
I completely agree. I like to think i know about this type of thing, and it happens so much. Guys who don't really "get" the whole poly thing but who really just think it's awesome they get to have 2 chicks. It pisses me off because it's my fantasy(yes fantasy) since I was like 10 to basically be in love with 2 woman and 1 guy
You're DH has no right to "impose his might" on you and "forbid" you. That's ridiculous. Conflicting wants and needs, need to be EXTENSIVELY talked about and managed carefully with a slow-fast progressive solution or balance. No, "no, i will not allow that!" BS...

sorry...I'm just really anti-double standard. I get enough small ones from my girlfriend to hear about more horrible ones on here.

Some major over-haul of your needs and wants needs to be had in your over-all relationships.
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  #16  
Old 05-07-2010, 06:51 PM
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ksandra ksandra is offline
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I agree with everything that has been posted here but I wanted to add that once you do have that conversation and he (hopefully) agrees, be prepared to be patient. People who have those fears can't just let go of them overnight. He will probably need baby steps with lots of reassurance and long conversations. You can give him an ultimatum and tell him that if he doesn't give you exactly the same privileges all at once you're leaving and he might listen but that would be very hard on him and that won't help his insecurities. But hopefully he will understand that you deserve this too and both of you can work on this together.
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  #17  
Old 05-07-2010, 10:30 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
OK...I just reread the OP...he has a double standard .....boooooo double standard....YAY BEER!
Oh You are SO lucky you woke up.
I was so ready to say "uh Mon, he does want more than one pussy!"

giggle. You are so funny sometimes!
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  #18  
Old 05-08-2010, 12:08 PM
capricorny capricorny is offline
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Default If he won't change, you should probably step aside.

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Originally Posted by Darknyss View Post
That guy in the op's story used to be me right down to the bone. Jealous as all hell. Stubborn too, for that matter. But if I can come to the understanding that my wants were selfish, he can too. I'm probably the last person to be giving advice, but I'mma do it anyway. Sit down and talk with him, let him know that this isn't acceptable, and that you want your fair share of freedom too. It's not an unreasonable request at all, and if your husband loves you, he'll come to see that, surely.
Yes, it can be overcome, and it's so good to read every story about that. If this is about love, his reservations are because of his own insecurity and lack of self-confidence etc. If they are not, it's not real love. Simply put.

It has been mentioned here that if you are all comfortable with the one-dick setting, it's OK. I disagree, for principal reasons. You can choose to run a one-dick policy for some time, and that will be just fine. But if you are not, in principle, free to change that "default setting", it's polygamy (here polygyny) and has nothing to do with polyamory whatsoever. The symmetry is basic to polyamory. You can't give it up, and still think you have the real thing. But it cannot simply be enforced, human beings must be given the time to adapt to new situations, and polyamory settings tend to be somewhat new all the time..

In this case, I think it is real simple: One dick implies one pussy for him. And you are probably the one who should step aside. I think it will be for your own good. Building relationships on elements of self-deception can get real nasty, if it is allowed to continue. And, sadly, it looks like a considerable percentage of men turning to polyamory have got double or triple standards.
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  #19  
Old 05-08-2010, 07:37 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by capricorny View Post
It has been mentioned here that if you are all comfortable with the one-dick setting, it's OK. I disagree, for principal reasons. You can choose to run a one-dick policy for some time, and that will be just fine. But if you are not, in principle, free to change that "default setting", it's polygamy (here polygyny) and has nothing to do with polyamory whatsoever. The symmetry is basic to polyamory. You can't give it up, and still think you have the real thing. But it cannot simply be enforced, human beings must be given the time to adapt to new situations, and polyamory settings tend to be somewhat new all the time..
Can you elaborate on what you mean here?
I'm interested, but not sure I understand what you are saying.
For example, we have a MMF relationship dynamic. Not because of a rule-but because Maca doesn't feel like he's ready to bring another woman into the dynamic yet. He's interested, but feels he has some personal issues to resolve before looking for another relationship. GG just isn't interested.
So in theory-it could be this way forever. Not out of a double standard though....
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  #20  
Old 05-08-2010, 08:06 PM
capricorny capricorny is offline
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Default Your situation: Illustrates exactly what I mean

Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Can you elaborate on what you mean here?
I'm interested, but not sure I understand what you are saying.
For example, we have a MMF relationship dynamic. Not because of a rule-but because Maca doesn't feel like he's ready to bring another woman into the dynamic yet. He's interested, but feels he has some personal issues to resolve before looking for another relationship. GG just isn't interested.
So in theory-it could be this way forever. Not out of a double standard though....
I think your situation illustrates exactly what I mean! You choose freely to keep it within the MMF dynamic. For now, and maybe forever. Kind of "one pussy" setting - and that's just fine! Because you _can_ change this without anyone being able to veto it on principal grounds, it's symmetrical in principle, and that's what matters. When the dick in a one-dick setting asserts rights to monopoly, as happened to the OP here, it is something entirely different. That is violation of the symmetry principle. And often asymmetry is built into the rules: If a woman in a polygamous realtionship where she is supposed to be faithful (biblical examples come to mind) takes a lover without permission, she is untrue. In my view, that kind of polygamy is completely contrary to polyamory. (But is sure can be a kind of "responsible non-monogamy", so we rather be careful with our terminology :-))

But rights to symmetry, and symmetry as an ideal, does not imply mandatory symmetry. Speaking for myself, because of other relationships ending, I have been in a one-dick-setting for quite some time now, but that is not at all something I want. Rather the contrary, but I really can't force them into other relationships when they at present lack the drive themselves - it's all about the situation, resolving personal issues etc, like it is with you.
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