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Old 05-07-2010, 10:48 PM
Zenchild Zenchild is offline
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 14
Unhappy Explaining My Poly Needs to a Mono Partner

As someone new to polyamory and still exploring this possibility for my life I was going to pose the question of how one would know for sure that you're poly. After digging through quite a few threads I came across a comment by someone that resonated with me.... "Poly is about relationships and love, not about sex. I even go a bit beyond that and say that being poly is about being open to many loves and once you've opened your heart and mind, you're poly."

I've most definitely opened my heart and mind. So yes i'm poly, and saying this and understanding it brings such calm to my heart.


What I'd appreciate from other members here on the forum is input on how to share this need with my husband in the most compassionate way possible. Seeing other people in an open marriage is something we discussed many years ago tho neither of us pursued others at the time for several reasons...and polyamory was not a part of these talks. Over the years the topic disappeared and I felt stuck in trying to making things work for just the two of us (a problem i've been working through with my therapist). I've reintroduced this topic in a very general fashion but he was dismissive of it saying that being older and quite focused on his work now he only wants to be with me.

So now i'm unsure how to tell him that while I respect his choice I need to explore this path. Of course I love my husband deeply and I don't want an ultimatum where I have to choose one or the other, but I need to at least talk with him about what's going on and see if we can find something that works for both of us.

The big motivation in a lot of the soul searching I've been doing is that I've fallen quite deeply in love with a friend of mine. (As a side note my husband does not know my friend personally as I met him through a social event circle that the SO doesn't participate in.) I just don't know how i'm going to spring both things on him at once...my need for him to accept me as poly AND that there is already a 'new' person I want to possibly bring into my life. I just don't think I can hide this from him anymore.

By nature i'm a caretaker of my partners/friends/family and I always lean towards doing things for them, making sure they're comfortable and often ignoring what I need for myself. Over the past eight years I can see how i've choked down feelings for others now and then for the sake of protecting my partner. Now i'm heading towards that place of shutting everyone out and i've already been struggling with feeling lost to myself, and I cant take it anymore. I'm done with playing a role of someone else in MY life.

Part of me feels that to some degree he'll be open to supporting me in this, but I'm really uncertain how he'll respond to the fact that there is someone new already knocking on the door so to speak. It's killing me to think how much this might hurt him, but I know that I need to be honest as well.

Any advice?

Last edited by Zenchild; 05-07-2010 at 10:52 PM.
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