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  #1  
Old 05-06-2010, 06:56 AM
pickles25 pickles25 is offline
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Default new and confused is it poly or just a screwed up situati

help, i meet a man who is already in a good relationship, however we have managed to find ourelves in love and pretty much already in a relationship be that with very limmited physical contact apart from a lot of ''phone/text messages.... '' at an early stage he asked if i would have a threesome with them, i declined due to how i felt about him as i felt it would be unfair to her and that I worried he only wanted to validate his guilt, months later as our love grew and we both realised it had grown and developed as much as it could be in its present state we both had seperatly thought about bringing me into her life aswell he was having issues with having two relationships and wanted all of us to be together, since we made the desision to try this, we all went out for a drinks a few times, and we went ahead with the threesome which was great and she and I have begun a friendship since, but the issue is this, myself and this guy are still in a realtionship she has no idea about our plan to take all of us into a poly relationship future so we can all be in love and make it work -but A) how do we go about bringing her in (or be it bring me into the situation) without anyone getting hurt and B) can this really work.... he dosnt want to lose his girlfriend and I dont want to break them up or is how this all started likley to be the reason it wont work, how do these realtionships start......and last??
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Old 05-06-2010, 07:29 AM
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Well, you will see by reading on here that it does work and that by being honest, respectful, empathetic, caring, communicative and genuine to your own needs and those involved is a good place to start.

It sounds like you have some talking to do and that communication should of already started.... just start by saying, "have you heard of polyamory? Cause I think I would like to try it with you."
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Old 05-06-2010, 09:13 PM
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Quote:
"have you heard of polyamory? Cause I think I would like to try it with you."
I want to emphasize the honesty and communication thing. You'll talking for a long...long...time. But! you guys seem to be in a good deal I will leave my cynicism for another post. I WISH ALL THE LUCK TO YOU, HAVE FUN!!!

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Old 05-06-2010, 11:15 PM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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Default hurt and growth

Welcome to the board.

A couple of thoughts,...

I don`t think you can go through this kind of growth as a person, without feeling pain along the way. Many of us get ourselves in trouble, and confuse communications with our loved ones, when we worry to much about hurting them.


Her having ' No idea about our plans to take this poly'

With this statement, I would expect her to be angry at first. She could very well be upset, that she, as the gf, is now on the outside looking in. Since you two have this plan, and she is the last to know.

Own it, and let her feel her emotions over this. Explain how it came to be that she is the last to know. Be honest.
Make sure to have some type of dialogue, where she feels part of how things will go, and how communications should be dealt with in future.

Let her know, it is very important to you that everyone move forward together.

Best of all, good luck with your future relationship
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Old 05-07-2010, 10:13 PM
pickles25 pickles25 is offline
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Hi guys thanks for the responses, since making my post the guy and I have decided to make our friendship open, i.e that instead of pretending I am an acquintance she will know if we go out and do things.... however just as friends, we are hopeing that in light of this A she will begin to realise that I am someone important to him and that B hopefully she will begin to trust me and continue our friendship and then at a later stage when we are all very comftable we will bring up the poly idea and talk it over, but in the meantime this new honesty has meant my time with the guy and our romantic contact via phone/ text has dramatically dropped, down to once a week seeing each other, I appriciate why (as if he was all of a sudden telling her we are seeing each other every second day she would get jelous straight away) but its so hard and to me it feels like a step backwards and that I've lost my lover.... I know that we have to do this in order to move forward, but any suggestions how for me to handle this change?
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Old 05-07-2010, 10:28 PM
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I suggest that you think of all the stuff you like to do to make yourself feel good and do it. You are your own primary. Your first relationship should be you. This is the time to do all those things that make you content, happy and loving yourself. That way when things become a challenge, the challenge will seem far less.

I'm glad you are deciding to take a slower pace in respect for others, they deserve to catch up to feeling good about it all. Going at the pace of the one having the most struggle has always been my policy and it has served me well (thanks for the reminder Ygirl ).
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Old 05-07-2010, 10:50 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pickles25 View Post
...myself and this guy are still in a realtionship she has no idea about our plan to take all of us into a poly relationship future so we can all be in love and make it work....
That's the part that got my attention.

IF she doesn't know you and him are involved with each other, then I'd say you're not doing poly, he's simply cheating.

Then, you do realize you can't plan for her, don't you? She may enjoy having you as a friend and have absolutely no interest in having you as a romantic partner. I'd say you can't make any plans that include her without asking her what she wants to do--her desires are as important as yours.
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Old 05-08-2010, 11:23 PM
capricorny capricorny is offline
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Default One word: Patience

Quote:
Originally Posted by pickles25 View Post
Hi guys thanks for the responses, since making my post the guy and I have decided to make our friendship open, i.e that instead of pretending I am an acquintance she will know if we go out and do things.... however just as friends, we are hopeing that in light of this A she will begin to realise that I am someone important to him and that B hopefully she will begin to trust me and continue our friendship and then at a later stage when we are all very comftable we will bring up the poly idea and talk it over, but in the meantime this new honesty has meant my time with the guy and our romantic contact via phone/ text has dramatically dropped, down to once a week seeing each other, I appriciate why (as if he was all of a sudden telling her we are seeing each other every second day she would get jelous straight away) but its so hard and to me it feels like a step backwards and that I've lost my lover.... I know that we have to do this in order to move forward, but any suggestions how for me to handle this change?
It seems that you have a possible configuration for polyamory, but you must build it from scratch. And you have already nearly blown it by starting off something definitely romantic without telling her. Would YOU like to learn that your partner has started a new and deep romantic relationship, weeks or months after the fact? If that would be quite OK to you, you are surely among the exceptions to the rule.

You have probably had huge amounts of NRE (New Relationship Energy) flowing. That's natural and a good thing (mostly), but one thing is for sure: It won't last. And you should start making up your mind about how much contact you want, and how much you need, as a minimum. Then you multiply by three, and see where you end up. Reason for the factor: She probably needs to see him somewhat more than you do, because of all they have together, and in a poly-setting, he must have a generous portion of time for himself too. And pressing the schedules too much is only likely to make everything wear out faster.

If you can't imagine a scheme that is probably satisfactory for her and still enough for you to thrive and develop the relationship, you should probably seek polyamory somewhere else. While love is unlimited, time and attention is not.

If you think there are some good or at least acceptable solutions, my opinion is that you should, in a modest and careful way, try to bring up the polyamory theme as soon as possible. But she must have the final decision about the steps forward. I think it is impoortant to realize that as soon as she gives her informed consent, you are de facto in a polyamorous relationship, even if you haven't entered the sexual domain fully yet. IMHO, what you and he have developed qualifies as that, only the openness and consent is missing.

Patience is what you need most of now.
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Old 05-09-2010, 04:47 AM
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you need to tell her what's up!!!!! like, NOW!!!! take it from someone who has gone through this and FAILED HORRIBLY ONCE. DON'T MAKE SCHEMES!!! What's fueling you're logic right now in your wondering amazing New Relationship Emotion, and a fear of solid truth; and it seems logical to work around the situation to make things "easy", BUT YOU ARE WRONG! The only option you guys have is
1. He needs to explain to his g/f that he is poly.
2. They need to work on THEIR relationship if she wants to continue a poly relationship. and work about making their relationship work with a poly dynamic.
3. You come into the picture and more talking/crying/akwardness

schemes rarely work, and they're dishonest, let's not kid ourselves. And I see her freaking out when she finds out you guys have been intimate without her knowing...
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  #10  
Old 05-09-2010, 12:03 PM
pickles25 pickles25 is offline
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Default Response to lat three posts

Hi guys,

Thanks for the feedback, while I didn't expect anything sugar coated as a response I suppose the situation is somethimes a little hard to verbalise, yes we knowing built up a romantic conection he never has cheated nor did he veiw what we were doing as cheating please read a previous post-we have all sleept together more than once anything physical just the two of us have slipped into we have regreted-it simply was what it was and naturally developed, as neither of us had even heard of polyamory until I found this web site we have no idea how these things work or how they become succesful- thats why I take very seriously what everyone says on here to contemplate.
but I do have to say in our defence, we arent lying around after a sordid affair scheming, we simply have been honest about the need to be in each others lives..... he wants to move forward into a relationship so he can be honest and share the love with all of us together-we know there is something we can all bring to table. I trust him when he says its too soon to bring up "oh by the way ive potentialy invited someone else to join our relationship" with her thats why I have started to be freinds with her he and I do limmit our contact and the contact we have--- she knows about. We see it as a slow process to eventually having it all in the open and being able to share when the time is right.... if you all honestly think we should go to her tommrow and tell her that he and I are in love would she would stick around? not likley she needs a chance to see Im a kind and loving person and I want to make her as happy as I do him, and I would also like to add, I really like her and I enjoy the time we spend together, weve all slept together at the same time and ive stayed the night in thier bed shes not completley 'out of the loop' things are as open as they can be for now, if she eventually says she wants me in thier life, I will be so happy I can't describe it, if we move too fast and she says no..... that I will regret.
But once again, thank you all for the feedback it really is a life saver at the moment.... even if somethings said are a little mean x x Pickles.
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