Getting into a relationship with a married person

[redpepper]

Oh I know what you are saying ygirl. Just that often times I have found that I don't know what is going on for people in my community. Why is that? Are we all so afraid of stepping on toes, trying to be respectful, don't want to sound like we are bragging or making our out our lives are better than others? How does one announce that they may or may not start a deeper relationship with someone without it becoming something it was never meant to be or without it coming off wrong somehow. Do you know what I mean?

When I became interested in derby and we decided to see if there was something worth looking into between us I remember a distinct line being crossed between that feeling of "this ones different" and bam! We're girlfriends. Not just, we're dating, but it became something much bigger in one moment of someone asking if we are together. Not that I am objecting Ygirl, just making an observation. There was a moment in me that made me want to back away because I felt I should commit to something deeper than I was aware I wanted to yet. Now I'm in a position that because its all out that we are together I can breath easy again. The bar has been set and we just have to move toward that first rung.

Its hard to explain. Does anyone get what I am saying?

Sorry rolypoly, we are getting off course with this perhaps. Maybe? Maybe not?

[NeonKaos]

That's grooovy! I'm happy for all of you wherever you end up. Enjoy the journey!

[rolypoly]

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance

Roly this is a big deal.
It's good for you to see it, and acknowledge YOUR part in it as well as acknowledging the already existing family's part in it.

Maca and I had a family as well. When GG decided to be with me, he gained OUR family, but he also gave up having a family "all his own" so to speak.
Not that he couldn't marry someone and start a family (well could have) but he would always have a SHARED family (now he's fixed but that's another story).

It was REALLY a struggle for his friends/family, even Maca to understand how he could make that choice. But for him (and my sister too) they consider these kids to be their own-even though the children aren't biologically theirs (the little one is bio-child of gg's, but none are my sisters). The kids as well consider all four of us parents...

So there are multiple ways for it to be worked out-but you really have to find the right fit for you (and the people you are with).

I agree. Fit is important. Over the years I've thought a lot about how to have children in my life if having my own biological children didn't pan out. And I've come to accept that if I don't ever birth my own child, that's ok. Sometimes it's hard, but having a chronic illness will always be sometimes hard.

I know that whatever happens, I won't be "giving up" on having kids. Both in the sense that dating Nerdist (since everyone knows now anyway, sheesh) won't mean that I can't pursue whatever else life brings. And in the sense that I am not sacrificing my own desire for a family to be with someone. It's highly possible that I can't conceive and it's often true that I just don't have enough energy to keep up with a kid. I worry that it wouldn't be fair to them.

It feels more like I would be adapting the "hows" of it all.

LR, did you and GG end up having a child together also? Or am I getting confused? Personally, I've often dreamed and become all googly eyed over the years, at the possibility of sharing a big family with kids who all belong to each other, rather than solely to their biological parents.

I kind of grew up that way. My dad left when I was 2 and my mom and I lived with various combinations of her sisters, her friends and her mom. It feels more natural that way.

[MonoVCPHG]

Holy Crap RolyPoly is dating Nerdist?!! I didn't get the memo

[rolypoly]

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat

This isn't exactly what you were saying, but it seems to be along the same lines... about whether you can be prepared for a certain type of relationship before having gone through some set of experiences to see what "the other side" is like.

I get what you're saying. At this point in my life, I feel like I've had a whole heck of a lot of painful, traumatic, life-altering, character-building, enriching experiences. Holy! And come out the other side much better for it all.

I can see why your husband would feel that way. And I'm also glad that it seems to have panned out that your "lack" of experience didn't completely deter him. Have you found yourself changing over time in any major ways?

[redpepper]

me neither! you're dating my husband?! oh all right, I will let you

[LovingRadiance]

Yes Roly-

It's a complicated story, but the littlest one is biologically GG and mine's child.
She calls Maca daddy-just like the other kids do.
Funny detail-the boys are both biologically Maca's-neither of the girls are. But they ALL call Maca daddy and they ALL call me mommy (3 are biologically mine).
They all call GG by his given name and they all know that he is the bio dad of the little one.
No secrets here.



It's a beautiful thing.

[rolypoly]

Ok, yes, Roly has a big crush on Nerdist. Better?

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

Holy Crap RolyPoly is dating Nerdist?!! I didn't get the memo

Oh hardy har.

Originally Posted by redpepper

me neither! you're dating my husband?! oh all right, I will let you

YGirl was right. We're worse than a gaggle of teenagers at a Beatles concert.

Originally Posted by redpepper

How does one announce that they may or may not start a deeper relationship with someone without it becoming something it was never meant to be or without it coming off wrong somehow. Do you know what I mean?

Yes!! Living in a community with 400 people, things get around FAST. It means people talk more, but it also means that if a potential relationship doesn't get off the ground, people forget about it and move on. They're used to it and used to change. In the city, it's so easy to go on dates with people, never see them again, and not have anyone know about it. In a small community, as soon you're seen even looking at each other, people make assumptions and the gossip's already out. Just is how it is.

Its hard to explain. Does anyone get what I am saying?

Sorry rolypoly, we are getting off course with this perhaps. Maybe? Maybe not?

No, not at all off topic (at this point, there are so many things going on in my head that it's all relevant, LOL). Yes, I get what you're saying. I understand about you and Derby. Sometimes, especially in a small group, it develops differently because everyone is watching.

[rolypoly]

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance

Yes Roly-

It's a complicated story, but the littlest one is biologically GG and mine's child.
She calls Maca daddy-just like the other kids do.
Funny detail-the boys are both biologically Maca's-neither of the girls are. But they ALL call Maca daddy and they ALL call me mommy (3 are biologically mine).
They all call GG by his given name and they all know that he is the bio dad of the little one.
No secrets here.



It's a beautiful thing.

I LOVE it!! Good for all of you!!

[polynerdist]

Thanks for sharing, rolypoly. Understandably there must be a lot for you to think about, and I'm grateful that so many smart and thoughful people are on here to participate in this discussion with you. I can especially understand how big the question of children and family you are grappling with is. It's a big, fundamental question, and I imagine it is huge and complex and grey and not black and white. I know that these questions are not straightforward for me.

I really like something LovingRadiance said, "So there are multiple ways for it to be worked out-but you really have to find the right fit for you (and the people you are with)." And I like what you said as well, "...dating someone who's married doesn't necessarily need to close the door on other possibilities."

Personally, I have learned that I can't even know what is actually possible, because everytime I think I have figured out what is, or is not, possible, reality exceeds what I previously thought was the upper limit of possible and proves me wrong. Heck, at one point I even thought that myself and RedPepper being happily polyamourous was impossible! The realization that I was *soooo* completely wrong in that particular belief, which I had held with such high confidence, was enough to demonstrate that really, I have no idea what is possible, and what isn't. The only way I'm finding out what is possible for myself personally, and what is possible within my family, is by trying it. The limit of possible seemingly keeps getting bigger. I can't speak for RP and Mono, but a year and a half ago, I never would have in a million years have imagined that we would be where we are today. It was beyond my imagination, beyond sense of possibility, and now it's reality.

Polynerdist