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Old 05-05-2010, 04:11 PM
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rolypoly rolypoly is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2009
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Default Getting into a relationship with a married person

Mono wrote in another thread, (hope you don't mind Mono):

Here's the big thing - I was in a traditional mono marriage for a very long time. I don't feel like I am missing that part of my life as I already had it. If I didn't have that background I highly doubt this would have become so deep. I'm quite certain I would have wanted all the family, social and instant community acceptance that comes with monogamy. This is one of the big reasons I struggle with the idea of a person entering into a relationship with a married person before they get to experience what the vast majority has. There is the "grass is greener" idea that I believe will raise its head. I've been on both sides of the grass. That's life experience that can't be explained but has to be experienced to be understood.
This is another thing I need to talk about and instead of hijacking that thread, I'm making a new one.

I can really see the wisdom in this, Mono. The new life you've started with RP and Polynerdist would have meant something very different had you done it during another phase in life - not having been married and had your own child.

In some ways, I'm in that phase of life. I'm still young enough that I could have children and have my own biological family. Since I was 16, I've wanted kids of my own. But, now I'm 32 and it hasn't happened for me yet. There are many reasons for this.

For one, I've struggled with relationships. They just never fit. There are many reasons for this too. For one, I was poly and didn't fit into monogamous models. But, not acknowledging my poly nature didn't manifest in a way that was obvious. It wasn't as straightforward as being in a relationship and having feelings for someone else. That would have been more clear.

At 21, I was engaged and I did do a lot of squirming about wanting to stay "free" and needing to still flirt. Not wanting to be trapped or limited. But, it wasn't obvious to me that this was coming from the need to be poly.

I also struggled with relationships because at 24, I discovered that I had a serious health condition that would be with me the rest of my life. I lost a lot of my self-confidence after having to give up University, after losing my circle of friends and basically dropping out of my life because I became disabled. So, for years afterwards, I dated, quite honestly, people that were "not in my league" because I didn't feel that I had much to offer and kept settling for less.

I now know my own worth and know that I have a heck of a lot to offer. Yes, I do require accommodation from the people in my life and it takes some time to get used to my particular needs. And yes, I know I'm worth all of it and I work just as hard to learn their needs as well.

Focusing so much on getting well for the years that I did also meant that starting a family was out of the question. I didn't have the energy. There is also a big question as to whether or not I can even conceive. I don't know because I've never tried, but part of me is very afraid that I wouldn't be able to get pregnant, let alone carry out a pregnancy.

And now, I have feelings for someone who is married and has a kid. And my perspective about this is a little different than what you wrote Mono because obviously, getting married and having my own children isn't as clearcut for me.

I've been searching myself about this a lot the past week. Nothing's to say that being in a relationship with someone who is married precludes getting married and even having children. Things would most definitely change, there would probably be a lot of difficult transitioning to do, but ultimately, I see that if there is commitment from everyone involved and a lot of honest communication, dating someone who's married doesn't necessarily need to close the door on other possibilities.

All that being said, in fact, the possibility of entering into a relationship with someone who has a family actually feels nice because I don't have a family, not despite it. And I'm wanting to be careful about this because I want to be very respectful of the family that is already established.

I've nannied for several families over the past few years and with each and every one of them, the kids adored me, I adored them and I just loved having some part in helping them grow up. A few of them offered for me to come live with them. This was always very flattering for me, but I was always clear in myself that I wanted my own family, not to be a temporary accessory. I just never fit. I hid parts of myself - mostly my relationship style because they were all traditional, straight and monogamous. I was dating women, dating more than one person at a time and I knew that even if they accepted this part of me, I still didn't fit.

Mono, if entering into your relationship with RP was even remotely as intense as what I'm feeling right now, I have a whole lotta respect for you, man!

My heart is too big to fit into one person.
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