Hi everyone. I've been very busy with computer work for the last long while and haven't felt very motivated to do even more typing than I already do, so I've been pretty absent around here. Sorry about that.
I'm feeling the need to check back in. A lot has happened since I last posted. Bare with me.
I've been feeling unhappy living where I'm living and slowly coming to the realization that I don't want to settle down here. Four years ago, I had a solid plan that I was going to move away, study my passion and then return to my little island to build a home and settle down. Of course, I had the fantasy that I would meet a man while away at school, fall in love and bring him back with me.
99% of that dream was based in what I felt I should do. What would be acceptable and presentable. Who hasn't created the perfect fantasy for their lives, eh? And of course, life takes its own turns and there are lessons to learn along the way that lead us in directions we didn't expect sometimes. And that's where I find myself right now.
What did happen is I went away and met a poly man. And discovered I'm poly. And instead of moving towards a more settled, rooted life, I embarked on an unsettling journey of self-discovery. What I mean is that it hasn't been a simple matter of accepting that I'm poly and voila! There are so many flavors of poly. In some ways, living this lifestyle involves a lot more movement and change than a typical mono marriage would.
I did end up moving back to my little island, but the longer I stay, the more I don't want to be here anymore. I am not the same person I was when I left.
For one, I'm tired of hiding. I rent a cabin on private acreage and my "landlords" are friends. I check in with them about who comes to visit me because I want to respect that it is their space. It felt painful to me to hide my excitement that my (now former, but at the time, current) lover and her girlfriend were coming to visit me. For all they knew, they were friends. It's no one's business and they hardly care one way or the other, but it bothers me because there are big chunks of my life that I am not sharing with the people in my immediate community. In many ways, the situation I'm in now is a very bad fit. I am so different from them. Other than the fact that we all work on the computer, there are significant things that I don't have in common with them.
So, I reached out to the poly community online. You guys. And discovered that a bunch of people on this board actually live within striking distance from me. So, I started to take trips down to meet and talk with poly folk, which feeds a big part of me and makes me incredibly happy.
I just got back from a week away. I spent time meeting a lot of great people and I went to both the poly meet and the poly women's group. I also spent time growing closer to someone and have very strong feelings for him.
(I gotta say, I'm still not used to the dynamics that inevitably develop when you're involved in a poly group. Sooner or later, you're going to find yourself talking about your relationship(s) with the people who are involved or the very least only a degree or two of separation).
It's all tidy and easy when you're discussing poly in theory with strangers. It's a whole different ball game when you actually start developing relationships and dynamics, when it's no longer theory and people are no longer strangers. So, this is me fumbling along, being honest about how all of this is unfolding.
I feel incredibly ungrounded and uncomfortable. Not in the way that a bad fit would make it uncomfortable. But, in the way that I feel I'm being pulled in too many directions. I have created a life for myself here over the past 10 months. I am the President of a society, I have a garden to manage, my business is in its first year. But, I don't feel settled and I'm not dropped into this life. Because it's so isolated and off the grid, living here is a full time job and every part of me is resisting every part of it. Thankfully, my business is transportable, so it allows me to work anywhere that has an internet connection. But, my heart is not in the rest of my life. I stopped teaching (today was my last day). The Society in and of itself, regardless of my life, is losing its momentum and it's taking a huge effort on my part to keep feeding the fire so it doesn't completely die.
I am trying incredibly hard to ground myself in the life I have going here and to keep all my balls in the air, knowing that I will not stay over the long term. Knowing that I have no idea where I will be going next. This is terrifying.
I just got back home yesterday and I've already planned a two week trip back to the city at the end of the month. I'm being pulled by the convenience of fast internet (I get so much more work done in the city), by a songwriting workshop happening over there and by the comfort and convenience of being able to flick a switch and have instant light and instant hot water. LOL!!
And of course, I'm being pulled to continue meeting up with people who I'm beginning to feel like I can be completely myself around. I want very much to be known, to be understood and to let all parts of me show, not just some parts.
The other thing about all of this is that it is very important to me that if and when I do begin a new relationship, that I do it from a solid, grounded, stable place. I am not in a solid, grounded, stable place right now. I am doing all the right things. I spent part of my day working in the garden, literally making roots and grounding in the earth. I tried to work despite renos going on. I did laundry. I am listening to calming music. All practical stuff. And I will continue to do all the practical stuff that needs doing.
Meanwhile, inside, I'm feeling so unsettled. I feel the need to get all this out, examine it, share it and work through it.
My heart is too big to fit into one person.