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  #21  
Old 05-01-2010, 04:49 AM
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Onto the present. They are together tonight. As for me, I had dinner with my mom, got a bubble bath and plan to pull out my book tonight and fall asleep reading. I will be ok. I am ok. This is a good thing. I don't have to worry about DH when he comes home tonight. He has his Kitten back tonight. And I have been in a good mood all day so I know that has helped. I have already choked up a little. That is great in my book. I use to have a good cry each time. It was needed. Nothing horrifying or in need of someone holding me. Just a good cry. Now I just choke up a little and I am able to get through the night. That is improvement, right?

I am still smiling tonight. I have had a good day. J and I chatted alot today. DH was in a good mood when I talked to him earlier. I know I am not done with bad days. I don't think you get over them in a matter of weeks or months. But it does get a little easier, right? You find your pattern or groove.

I got a small flirtatious comment at the gym tonight. It felt good. I know DH isn't ready for me to take the steps into polyamory. Neither am I. But to think someone said something nice to me on a night where I am so lonely felt great. It was very quickly in passing. Over as soon as it began and I will never see the guy again and probably wouldn't recognize hiim if I did. But it felt nice. And I always feel my best and most confident at the gym anyway so that helped.
ak - you are an amazing woman! Knowing your story and the things you have gone through - and hearing how you sound tonight is awesome! You and I have very similar stories (minus the cheating) and it helps me more than you know to hear that it is possible to get to a good place. Do you still struggle? Yes. Do you let it destroy you? No. The way that you are able to reach out to J and really be friends is motivational. It does help that you were friends prior to this - but the strength you have shown by forgiving her and trusting her again is amazing!

As far as getting a flirtatious comment tonight at the gym - woooohoooo! I bet that felt great! I can't remember the last time I had anyone, other than my DH give me a flirtatious comment. I'm sure that put a little spring in your step tonight and helped you feel confident while he is out with her.

MG and DH went out for the day - and I was ok. A little jealous - because him and I don't get that quality alone time that they get. When we are together we always have the kids with us. We don't get 5-6 hours of time alone to go out and do things together. Alot of our conversations are done via texts. So yes, I do get jealous about that. But I'm trying not to....

Enjoy your husband when he comes home to you!
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  #22  
Old 05-02-2010, 01:26 PM
captainyossarian captainyossarian is offline
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Default You're braver than I feel I could be

I admire your fortitude but struggle to imagine being conscious of the moment my spouse is having sex with someone that's not me.

Last night my wife said that having seen the effect her desire to continue to have sexual relationships with other guys is having on me (basically I'm consumed with guilt, jealousy, passion, I'm drinking too much, can't concentrate at work, irritable with the kids... shall I go on?), that she's prepared to abandon the idea.

But I'm not convinced that's what I want, as I will constantly be suspicious of whether she's actually cheating on me again.

So, do I want to give her the opportunity to live out her desires? Can we chart a more neutral course and try swinging together? Or do I take her word for it and try to rebuild my trust in her?

Lots of questions, few answers. I've started a blog to help me express what I'm feeling and review how my sentiments evolve. http://upsidealreves.blogspot.com/
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  #23  
Old 05-03-2010, 01:45 PM
ak2381 ak2381 is offline
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Smile Merging into compersion

With all the talking about compersion lately I sat down to some serious self evaluation this weekend. Originally, when DH and I started with this poly lifestyle about three months ago I put out a bunch of rules so that I could feel safe and secure. I mentioned this on a previous blog how I asked that he give me a couple days notice before he goes over to J's so that I can make sure I am in a good place. Through much thinking and consideration as to how I am doing with accepting all of this I decided yesterday it was time to get rid of that rule. They can't always do that. Sometimes they need some unexpected time together. And I feel I am ready to make the next step in all of this of not needing so much time before hand to be ready for them to be together. Sometimes you can't predict when you need someone and all the parties involved need to work together to make sure all the needs are met.

Go Me! I know that I am getting somewhere. I am not ready to lift all the requrements I have asked for right now. I still need my nights afterwards, but I think I am getting better there. But knowing that I don't need quite an extended period of time to prepare shows that I am moving forward with all of this. I hope to be comfortable enough to lift more in the next couple of weeks. But I realized this weekend I can't just keep these rules in place permanently. There needs to be room for growth, otherwise we are just standing still and no one is learning anything and that will eventually lead to a rut and misery. I hope I am on the right track to compersion here. I simply told him and her if there comes a night where they need or want to be together I will be fine with it. Just let me know he is headed over there so I don't worry when he doesn't show up at home and I have no idea where he is at.

J and I have done alot of talking this weekend. I won't get into major detail but I want MG and KT to know that even we have our off times. We still have our struggles. And we still have our miscommunications. We took a few steps back, gave each other some space and by the next day we were fine again. I guess it is all a matter of putting that girly way of cattiness as you two call it aside and try to approach it with an open mind and try to see through each other's eyes. I hope I did that well myself.

I learned that I am asking them to listen to my wants and needs. Really listen. But I am not hearing them when they say I am loved and cared about and wanted and enough. I don't hear that my husband isn't going anywhere. I brush what they are saying aside and continue to sit in the electric chair and wait to be shocked to death.

I have another analogy for you all. I drove through a major rain storm this weekend with my tipsy husband in the passenger seat and my baby girl in the back asleep. It was around midnight and I started using this toward my life.
It's hard. The rain got so bad at times I couldn't see. But I had a family to take care of and they were counting on me to get them home safely. A couple of times I had to pull over and take a moment to adjust my eyes. One time I even managed to accidently get off an exit without meaning to. But I got home. I made it.
This I put to this journey I am going through with my husband. The pain gets hard enough that I can't see straight. So I have to stop, I have to regain self control and readjust how I am looking at things with this poly life. I have a daughter that needs me to keep control and a husband that still depends on me to be there for him. Its about getting safely home. Its about reaching that goal with a smile on your face and everyone calm and together. I have gotten off on an exit without meaning to. I have tried to give up. But I made that U turn and got right back on and kept going without looking back. I didn't give up on the road and I am not giving up here. Driving through that made me feel so strong as a person. And I am a strong person. And I am going to be ok. And so is my family.

Thank you again everyone.
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  #24  
Old 05-03-2010, 02:57 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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AK, just want to acknowledge the excellent work you are putting into this. Fantastic the steps you have gone through

Congratulations
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  #25  
Old 05-03-2010, 02:59 PM
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ak - your post literally gave me goosebumps!! I said it before - you are an amazing woman!! Knowing how you were a month ago - and seeing where you are now is incredibly inspiring and motivating!!! You have had to overcome and accept so much and yet you stay strong and positive. I have so much respect for you! I hope I can get to where you are - and soon. DH and MG were together last night after work - and I couldn't stop crying. I kept picturing them together and it made me crazy. I hate that! I don't want to feel like this. I LOVE your analogy of driving in the rain - it's so true! THAT is what I need to keep remembering - I AM loved, I AM needed, I AM wanted! In this situation - it's not always easy to remember!

Thank you for sharing your story!

Kat
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  #26  
Old 05-03-2010, 03:19 PM
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This is quite the experience to share Ak2381. Thanks for your openess and making yourself vulnerable so others in the same situation can know they are not alone.

This is what the forum is for me..a safe place to grow buy simply sharing.. and clearly others feel that as well
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  #27  
Old 05-03-2010, 05:02 PM
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.
So he does what I ask and brings home some of the excitement of BDSM and the whole dom lifestyle. We are purely in bedroom with that stuff. I know some make it a full lifestyle but outside the bedroom we don't so we can show our daughter that we are equals and I am not less than he is.
Through bringing home the dom/sub life he has asked me to call him sir in the bedroom and wear the garters and such again. I do as I am asked because that comes with it. But I almost feel like a copycat, a second thought.
Being in a poly family that my partner desires is something I've struggled with for years to a point that it has torn us apart, but are finally getting to where we should have been so I can't comment on most things regarding those aspects. However, I was basically raised surrounded by D/s and that is a lifestyle I've lived everyday of my life. So this I can speak on!

I think this is the thing that bothers me most about D/s being misunderstood. Of course there are so many people just dabling in BDSM and calling themselves Masters while they hardly know how to control themselves little long others that I can understand why society has this misunderstanding. Never think that just because you call him Sir or are the sub in the relationship that that makes you any less of a person and if ever your kids do catch wind of that part of your life it wouldn't be a bad thing to explain that to them. Just because you're submissive doesn't make you a doormat. Actually it makes you stronger than most because there is nothing harder in this world than to submit regardless of what it is your submitting to. I've seen the best of the best and the worst of the worst in all my years and I promise that even the best Masters would say to anyone other than his sub that really it's the sub who controls everything because if she didn't submit then he couldn't Dom her.

The other thing I wanted to comment on is that you shouldn't consider yourself a copycat. You should consider yourself the trend setter. After all you said he first got into that with you, but it fizzled down until after she entered the picture. So that leads me to think you gave him the interest, but he wasn't ready yet. Perhaps he didn't feel adequate at taking on such a role with you back then, but now that he has had a little more trial and error time with her he feels more capable to do so with you.
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  #28  
Old 05-04-2010, 01:12 AM
ak2381 ak2381 is offline
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Default It feels very good

More developments today folks.
J and I are working towards more progress. I am trying to understand some things about her. I have a couple of questions in my mind I need to remember to ask her tomorrow.
I have been rereading my posts since this whole thing has started. Wow did I have alot of anger when this first started. I didn't know which way to turn and it was so easy to blame everything in the world. I don't hate these people anymore. Well maybe L. I never like her. Never will. But the rest, not so much.
DH and J are having some problems tonight. I have decided to take care of the house and my daughter so they can have some time to work out their issues. And you know what? I am doing great. I am not happy that they are having an off night. But I feel good because I am doing this for them. LovingRadiance once said that a good way to feel better when you are having trouble is do something for someone else. Do something for the OSO. And I am trying to do that. And I do feel great.
DH asked me a few minutes ago what he could do to make her feel more loved. I know that was awkward but he really wanted a woman's point of view. I thought for a few minutes and came up with an idea. Now I am not going to say this now. But I will say we discussed it, laid out what we both knew about her and he was very happy that I was openly helping him with this. He wanted her to know that she was more than just a sex buddy. So I told him what we females like.
It felt wonderful to come up with a way to make my friend smile. I also have another confession to make. The other day I told J how I really felt about her. How far I have come. I told her she was like my sister now. I loved her and depended on her more than some of my own siblings.
I am feeling a real high the last couple of days by the progress I have made. I know I have had some real rough patches. But this whole compersion thing has been a good concept for me to grasp. I had never really heard about it and it feels like it is a small goal I can work on while I wait to really be ok with everything again.
I felt myself slipping a little today. I started getting scared again. But I remembered the advice I had been given. I remembered the smile on my husband's face when I was able to do things for the both of them and open my mind and let everyone feel free and relaxed. And that helped. Images of them being together threatened at the tip of my imagination. I pushed it out with ideas of my next lunch with J. Our next night of the three of us. My next date with DH. Wow, positive images are just as powerful, did you know that?

I want J to know, in case she reads this, her place is right here. She needs to stand beside her husband and beside my husband and me. She is an equal in my book. She wasn't before. I wanted to hate her. I wanted to scream and feel anger. And I did. But that was in the beginning. And people change. I have changed. She gave my DH and me a song to listen to today. I want to place the chorus lyrics on here. It is beautiful.

ive changed over time
and grew stronger in life
wont give up what is mine
but sometimes even angels fall down
ive done all this right
and ive won all these fights
i grew stronger in life
but sometimes we break down n fall apart

It's all very true. She is apart of this relationship that is mine now. I am sorry if this is sappy and a bit cheesy. But I feel really good tonight. Because I was able to help come up with a way to make her feel loved and wanted. Just as she has done for me. I have won fights, with both of them by my side. I fall down sometimes and say things out of hurt and anger. And I have no doubt I am not finished doing so. I will still have my rain storms and will still need to pull over to the side of the road. But as long as I have my family and my friends, her being a very strong part of that, I will get back up.

And J, if you ever read this. I am not just saying this because of that. I told you, I don't edit my blogs, I let my fingers do the talking. They are more honest where the mouth can be prone to let a lie slip out, even mine has been guilty of that.

Last edited by ak2381; 05-04-2010 at 01:17 AM.
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  #29  
Old 05-04-2010, 07:07 AM
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She is apart of this relationship that is mine now....... I feel really good tonight. Because I was able to help come up with a way to make her feel loved and wanted.
This is awesome, as was your last post! I'm so happy for you. things are coming around and you are getting what compersion does! Wouldn't it be wonderful if there was more of it in the world?

I'm so happy for you, you should feel mighty proud.
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  #30  
Old 05-04-2010, 07:39 AM
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Morningglory629 Morningglory629 is offline
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DH and J are having some problems tonight. I have decided to take care of the house and my daughter so they can have some time to work out their issues. And you know what? I am doing great. I am not happy that they are having an off night. But I feel good because I am doing this for them. LovingRadiance once said that a good way to feel better when you are having trouble is do something for someone else. Do something for the OSO. And I am trying to do that. And I do feel great.
DH asked me a few minutes ago what he could do to make her feel more loved. I know that was awkward but he really wanted a woman's point of view. I thought for a few minutes and came up with an idea. Now I am not going to say this now. But I will say we discussed it, laid out what we both knew about her and he was very happy that I was openly helping him with this. He wanted her to know that she was more than just a sex buddy. So I told him what we females like.
It felt wonderful to come up with a way to make my friend smile. I also have another confession to make. The other day I told J how I really felt about her. How far I have come. I told her she was like my sister now. I loved her and depended on her more than some of my own siblings.
This made me smile AND cry! You are a really special person. Your DH and J are very blessed. But so am I for having the opportunity to read through your posts. Thank you for your courage in blogging the evolution of your relationships.
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