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  #21  
Old 05-03-2010, 04:57 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TL4everu2 View Post
We feel that a lie by omission is still a lie. No matter how small. Now, does that mean that we tell each other EVERY LITTLE DETAIL of our day? Yes, pretty much we do.


Wow. My husband would go bat-shit crazy if I tried to tell him every little detail of my day. Not that I have been kissing anyone else... so there's not much to tell. I'd probably get sick of hearing about every little thing he did too. But I guess if you ARE seeing or fooling around with other people, telling every little detail is a policy that can work for some folks.
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  #22  
Old 05-03-2010, 05:12 PM
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Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
I was hesitant to mention him simply because not everyone agrees with him, and I don't agree with everything he says. But the point was one I have read, heard, seen elsewhere. I was just curious.

http://www.youtube.com/user/dansavag.../0/D4zD7btjlMo

Around the 50 second mark for reference.
Thanks for the link! I know where you are coming from
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  #23  
Old 05-03-2010, 05:21 PM
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The reason my husband kept this information from me was to spare my feelings. He has felt very guilty for doing what he did because he knew it would hurt me deeply. He figured that it was over and done, he can't change what happened and telling me to ease his guilt would only hurt me. He wanted to take the brunt of the guilt to spare my feelings.

Am I hurt by what he told me - absolutely! I'm heartbroken. Everytime I walk past that room - I think of them having sex. Really sucks to have that reminder everyday in your own house. About 7 months ago - the 3 of us had sex in our bed because we didn't have time to go to a hotel. I did struggle with this decision for a long time - but I wanted to surprise my husband and this is where we had to do it. For a few weeks after - I thought about that a lot with a mixture of excitement and regret. A few months later - we got a new mattress (not because of that - ours was really old) but it did help me to not constantly think about it. With time - the thought went away. I know that this too will go away eventually. Of course, that's the room I keep and wrap Christmas gifts in - that will be a wonderful thing to think of next Christmas.

Now - if he cheated on me and didn't tell me - I do consider that ommission lying because he would be doing it to protect himself. In this case - I realize he did it to protect me, not to protect himself.

Kat
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  #24  
Old 05-03-2010, 05:32 PM
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I know what you are saying ygirl. I don't have time to tell ever detail of my life to my partners, nor do I think its necessary. Sometimes though stuff comes up later that indicates I should've said something or now should say something because circumstances have changed.

For example, I met guys on line that flirted with, and when I met mono he asked that I end my flirting with them. I believed, at the time, that no man would be friends with me if I didn't flirt so I got rid of all of them. End of story I thought.

Well, wouldn't you know it, men actually do want to be friends with me, even if I don't flirt with them any more. One or two asked where I had gone and now I occationally talk to them as friends. I didn't tell Mono for a bit because I thought it would die out if I just didn't respond much. Eventually I told him because they weren't going away and I enjoy catching up ever now and then and seeing how they are doing. They enjoy talking to me too, even though there is no longer any flirting going on.
...
I agree with Dan, AK. I have lived with the guilt of cheating for years now. My ex never knew. I am so glad the burden has been mine and not his. In his eyes I still have integrity. I'm glad for that, but it does add to my guilt. Oh poor me. I'm glad to have not damaged him with not being able to trust people in his life.

He is married with two kids now and they are doing fine. Who knows what would be different for him and them. I just know that I can be proud that it wasn't on my head that he suffered mistrust because I was guilty. If I did anything right by cheating it was not telling him I had. I am proud of that.

Yup, I totally think that if you cheat the burden should be all yours.
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Last edited by NeonKaos; 05-03-2010 at 07:05 PM.
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  #25  
Old 05-03-2010, 06:02 PM
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I like to know that when I ask a question that I'll get an honest answer. I don't need to know all the details of my partners' lives. I need to know who they are intimate with and if there is a possibility of anyone new coming on to the scene. Up until this point I haven't wanted to know any kind of details about what actually goes on or when it happens. I just want to know when the naked fun stage has been reached, just to be kept in the loop.

Things that I know will be a potential stumbling block I try to talk about before hand. One thing that came up yesterday was using our room for sex while both of us are in town. I have no particular attachment to my bed but I need to know that if I'm in town, even if I don't plan on being home, that if I need something at any time I can get into my room.

-Derby
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  #26  
Old 05-03-2010, 09:29 PM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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Default Taking the topic literal.

My not so celebrated opinion,...

Omission is ALWAYS lying.

It is simply a matter of deciding if the lie justifies the means.

Not telling someone you are planning their 40th birthday party ? ....a given.

Not telling someone you don`t like their hair that day ? ...grey area depending on wether they asked for a opinion or not.

Not telling someone your full sexual history, but disguising it like, ' you didn`t want to hurt their feelings, by talking about all your former flames' ???...you`re now entering 'dickweed' territory.

Not telling your long-term partner you have been intimate with _______. (Because you are a scared/selfish/dellusional/secretive person ),.... ....Definite 'dickweed' territory.


That said, No one gets through life, being entirely 'dickweed-free' . The best thing is to ; 'Do what you know how to do, and when you know better, you do better.'...paraphrasing, but very true.

Last edited by SourGirl; 05-03-2010 at 09:33 PM.
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  #27  
Old 05-04-2010, 01:35 AM
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TL4everu2 TL4everu2 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by YGirl View Post
Wow. My husband would go bat-shit crazy if I tried to tell him every little detail of my day. Not that I have been kissing anyone else... so there's not much to tell. I'd probably get sick of hearing about every little thing he did too. But I guess if you ARE seeing or fooling around with other people, telling every little detail is a policy that can work for some folks.
Yeah, we're a little weird....Wait...a LOT weird. For the last 10 years or so, we have worked together, so we are together almost 24 hrs a day. If we are apart, it's because we had to be for some odd reason. This doesn't happen often though. But we love it.
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  #28  
Old 05-04-2010, 04:36 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
Ok whats everyones take on withholding truth to protect the person who could be hurt. Dan Savage. in a video. was talking about cheating (this point is not just his, I have heard this before, and am curious) He specifically said, unless it is being repeated, if you only cheated once and won't ever do it again, you shouldn't tell your spouse. You are simply passing the guilt onto the person it will hurt the most. Suck it up, keep it in and continue loving your partner

Just curious.

i used to have this same philosophy and I agree with Mon-the key word is repeated.
IF it's ONLY ONE TIME-and you learn the lesson and it never repeats, I'd have to agree.

BUT-that isn't what the situation usually is. It's kind of like saying "in a perfect world". Why bother? We don't live in a perfect world so who cares what we would do if we did?

In this REAL world that we live in-it is more likely if you keep it to yourself-that you will repeat it. So just get off your ass, admit you fucked up and do what you can to repair damage to those you damaged in the process...
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  #29  
Old 05-06-2010, 08:49 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Along the lines of "it's not lying if you believe it," I think "it's not omission if you don't believe it's wrong."

If you know you did something wrong and you intentionally withhold that information from your partner, that's a form of lying, regardless of the motivation (guilt or protection). But you might do something casually which isn't unethical to you but could turn out to be something major to your partner.

Example: putting $20 of your personal pocket money into a slot machine for fun and then walking away. If you have no history with gambling, then you were just having some harmless entertainment. But if your partner was the child of a gambling addict, then it would be a major problem that (a) you did it and (b) you didn't tell them. The partner may feel lied to, because they would be under the impression that you were intentionally trying to hide something, whereas you were just having fun, same as if you'd spent the $20 on mini golf. You wouldn't "confess" playing mini-golf, so why would it occur to you to confess playing the slots?
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  #30  
Old 05-06-2010, 09:13 AM
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How can omission be lying? If the question asked is: did you have sex in the car? And the answer is "Yes" but the given answer is "no"...then yes a lie has occurred. If the questions is: did you have sex? And the answer is yes but you do not give the details well then it is omission. If the request is, "I would prefer you didn't have sex in my car." And the answer is, "Okay I won't have sex in your car." Lying would be if you have sex in the car after the request was made; omission would be the thought: "Well I already had sex in the car, telling her will annoy/upset/cause an unnecessary meltdown because there is no erasing history but I will not have sex in her car in the future."
That's my opinion. Not a fan of the open-ended question, why ask them if you don't want definite answers? (Wait...that's an open ended question! Scratch that opinion!)
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