Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 05-02-2010, 07:27 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,639
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Quath View Post
I would say that ommission of truth (when you know the person wants to know something) is a form of a lie.
I agree with Quath on this one.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 05-02-2010, 05:54 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,639
Default

okay, I agree with Quath, but I also think that sometimes people live in fear that if they say something that the person will go up one side of them and down the other. They feel threatened. There needs to be room for vulnerability without punishment.

If I had something delicate to talk about I would ask that the person know that I am about to say something that makes me feel vulnerable to them and that I am scared to say it. I would tell them that I trust they won't blow up at me and ask them to take some breaths and think about what their response will be before talking. Then I would tell them what it is I think they don't want to hear and trust that my open heart won't be stomped on.

Those I love around me are very respectful of when others are making themselves vulnerable to them. It becomes an art after awhile. It becomes recognizable when someone is opening up to me.

I usually try making myself vulnerable to people and if I get stomped on and there is no progression to something more healthy, then I leave the relationship. I work hard to communicate, if someone doesn't want to work with me then they will get nothing from me... and then I have no problem omitting truth. I have no investment in them at that point, so what does it matter?

I find it interesting that most of what people dish out instead of talking openly and honestly is passive aggressive. It seems it is far easier to be sarcastic than honest. I struggle with that myself still.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 05-02-2010, 06:17 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
Custodian
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: new england
Posts: 3,221
Default

Hah, I just thought of this thing I do. Sometimes I do things that are at best, embarrassing, and at worst, self-destructive, and get away with them. Then after a period of time elapses, usually between 2 and 8 months, I'll say to my husband, "OK, enough time has passed that I feel I can tell you this now". These things that I do would upset or annoy him, but they are not betrayals of trust. It's more like I have to come to terms with things myself before I go ahead and tell him.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 05-02-2010, 06:24 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,639
Default

yes I do that too ygirl. Nerdist was just saying that to me... he said that he ommitts stuff that he assumes is not important to me or stuff that he thinks I don't want to know until he realizes that he might be wrong. I guess it's just best to act as soon as there is a shift in knowledge about something.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 05-03-2010, 04:32 PM
Icewraithonyx Icewraithonyx is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Michigan
Posts: 63
Default

YGirl, Is your husband ok with this? My wife used to do this but I would get annoyed because not only was she doing X which she felt shady about but also concealing it, which seems to me to be a bad sign?

How does the passage of time change things?
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 05-03-2010, 04:38 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
Custodian
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: new england
Posts: 3,221
Default

Well, he's still with me, so he must be OK with it. I don't do those things on purpose just to bother him.

For example, one time there was a fire where I work and the circumstances were somewhat my fault. I didn't tell him about it for a couple of months. If that's "shady" of me, then whatever. It's not as though I set the fire on purpose just to have some dirty little secret that would give me a cheap thrill of keeping from my husband. I waited until I felt less embarrassed. The reason it would have mattered to him is because I was taking an unnecessary risk.

That's one way the passage of time makes a difference. I hope that answers your question. I do not plan to be forthcoming with any other examples.

Last edited by NeonKaos; 05-03-2010 at 04:53 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 05-03-2010, 04:41 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,872
Default

Ok whats everyones take on withholding truth to protect the person who could be hurt. Dan Savage. in a video. was talking about cheating (this point is not just his, I have heard this before, and am curious) He specifically said, unless it is being repeated, if you only cheated once and won't ever do it again, you shouldn't tell your spouse. You are simply passing the guilt onto the person it will hurt the most. Suck it up, keep it in and continue loving your partner

Just curious.
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 05-03-2010, 04:50 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
He specifically said, unless it is being repeated, if you only cheated once and won't ever do it again, .
I think the key here is the word "repeated" and realizing that you shouldn't believe that you get one freebee for each relationship. If you cheat once you should learn a life long lesson from that that prevents you from repeating it not just in your current relationship.

I had an affair and cheated in the past and learned from that experience...there's my freebee...if it were to happen again I have a problem.

Dan Savage is a well spoken guy but he isn't very poly sustainablilty positive. I think I posted a link to one of his videos on here.
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 05-03-2010, 04:53 PM
TL4everu2's Avatar
TL4everu2 TL4everu2 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Clearwater, Fl.
Posts: 907
Default

We feel that a lie by omission is still a lie. No matter how small. Now, does that mean that we tell each other EVERY LITTLE DETAIL of our day? Yes, pretty much we do. If it's significant, like dealing with sex, or some sort of romantic thing, then we tell the other person every little detail. Now, there are certain details we have chosen to allow omissions on. One of these subjects is kissing. We choose not to want to know about when the other person is kissing someone else. It is a don't ask, don't tell policy. We don't care about the sex as long as it's consentual and fully disclosed.

So, a lie by omission is still a lie.
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 05-03-2010, 04:54 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,872
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
I think the key here is the word "repeated" and realizing that you shouldn't believe that you get one freebee for each relationship. If you cheat once you should learn a life long lesson from that that prevents you from repeating it not just in your current relationship.

I had an affair and cheated in the past and learned from that experience...there's my freebee...if it were to happen again I have a problem.

Dan Savage is a well spoken guy but he isn't very poly sustainablilty positive. I think I posted a link to one of his videos on here.
I was hesitant to mention him simply because not everyone agrees with him, and I don't agree with everything he says. But the point was one I have read, heard, seen elsewhere. I was just curious.

http://www.youtube.com/user/dansavag.../0/D4zD7btjlMo

Around the 50 second mark for reference.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
deceit, deception, honesty, lying

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 11:31 AM.