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  #21  
Old 04-30-2010, 01:22 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Originally Posted by merry View Post
I need her to move out, for the sake of my health and happiness. How do you find a compromise for something like that? Tell me, I really don't know.
Merry,

If I might offer a suggestion...............

The whole thing about living arrangements needs to be treated as it's own stand alone problem. Try to disconnect it entirely from any relationship issues etc. Do you know what I mean ????

People living together brings out all of the stickiest wickets ! It's a difficult thing for that to go smoothly even if there's isn't any intimate relationship involved ! Silly little personal things about space, personal habits, preferences, etc often snowball into something that stresses or destroys otherwise perfectly good relationships !

Try not to tie the two together.

It seems reasonable that she (and you) need your own space. Having that could smooth the whole relationship and let you focus on the more important things.

I agree also with others that there's a good possibility that your hubby is enabling her in developing some irresponsible patterns by lending too much financial (and emotional) support. She (gf) needs to develop skills for being independent. Dependency is the death knell of relationships. It's demeaning and can be part of a control drama. Don't go there. I adhere to the philosophy of "don't buy me fish - buy me a pole and teach me to fish !"

So I think if you can get the living arrangements settled and take a deep breath (and forget the history involving the live-in that doesn't work) the whole thing may take on a whole different tone.

Good luck !

GS
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  #22  
Old 04-30-2010, 07:57 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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I would like to know what you would do differently. You mentioned that in your original post. It doesn't sound like you "allowed" (as KT assumed, and with all due respect) this to happen but were all on board with it from the get go. What happened? Were you friends with this woman, did you spend time with her just the two of you?

I would wonder if you could offer to spend some time with her.... I know, WHAT! but really, it might give you a chance to say to her some of the things that she needs to know from you. Not through you husband (this is probably why she avoids you... it sounds like you haven't spoken to her directly.
1. you don't want there relationship to end
2. your health is taking a turn for the worse and you need less stress
3. your family cannot support her anymore
4. you will help her find a place, even if it's next door
5. you will help her look for a job in anyway she could suggest
6. you will help her pack and move as much as you can, even financially (she will be out no?!)
7. you will make concessions for the trauma her moving out will cause and release the restrictions you have placed, until new boundaries can be made in time

and anything else that you know yourself that is not indicated here. Some compassion is in order I think. You say she is looking for a job, that is a good step.... so plaster a smile on your face, and help her out.... think of your future. He is not going to let her go, so make this easier on yourself by at least faking it until you make it at this point.... the making it seems to be, her moved out, your life with hubby back to some semblance of normalcy and them continuing to see each other. Dare I say, some happiness?

My thoughts in a nutshell are that we reap what we sow..... if I send out empathy, respect, honesty, caring etc, then I will get that in return. How about using your last ounce of energy on these things and see if you don't receive some back.
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  #23  
Old 04-30-2010, 08:46 PM
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KatTails KatTails is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
You mentioned that in your original post. It doesn't sound like you "allowed" (as KT assumed, and with all due respect) this to happen but were all on board with it from the get go. What happened? Were you friends with this woman, did you spend time with her just the two of you?
redpepper - Ha ha - I knew that I would get called out on that word! I couldn't, at the time, think of another way to say it. At some point, merry and her husband had made the decision to let the GF move in. I would hope he didn't make the decision on his own. Therefore - I am assuming that she allowed/permitted/agreed to - this happening. But, now it's just causing her too much stress and upset. She has every right to ask her to move out.

I like the idea of reaping what you sow - I have tried this, but I just keep stabbing myself in the foot with the spade! Try, try again!
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  #24  
Old 04-30-2010, 09:45 PM
merry merry is offline
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She was a roommate first. She and my husband had a spark, and I was alright with letting them date. At the time I was friends with her, though I didn't know her very well. I know, I know - don't date roommates. We made a lot of early mistakes.

From the start when she moved in, she didn't have to pay rent. She helped around the house and went to school. She later dropped out of school, in Feb.

I started having serious health issues, was on a lot of heavy medications, etc, while the relationship was progressing to nearly a poly marriage. While there were issues I was having with her, a lot of it was wrapped up in all of those problems and things kept on going anyhow. Since I started healing physically back in September, I started bringing up those issues more adamantly, until we started therapy in December. But I tend to not hold up well when people I care about are hurt... I give in or made compromises I'm not really okay with. That, and it felt like some of the issues I brought up kept getting brushed off or ignored by my husband, if inadvertently.

When, a month ago, I made this 'final decision' about her moving out, it was after 6 months of trying to make it work with her.

She has ADD and knows she has serious communication problems, which she is now going to a therapist for. But she's never owned up to that; instead, she says I'm intimidating and "shut her down" - but she never talks to me in the first place. Walking into a room I'm in is not starting a conversation. If she really wants this relationship, she has never said so - except in the presence of my husband. By her actions alone, it seems that she's really only here for him. If she's only dating him, then she's not family.

Right now she's avoiding me and is saying that I've just shattered her trust, etc etc, but the fact is, she's never earned MY trust. I'm tired of always putting forth so much effort to communicate with her, and never being met halfway. She gets something out of her living here whether we are friends or not. But I get nothing out of her living here if we're not friends. And friends TALK to one another, open up, share and show interest in each other. She's never even asked me a single question about me in the year and half we've been living together - and when I ask about her in order to try and start a conversation or get to know her, later she's calling it "interrogation."

Both our therapist and mine have said I have excellent communication skills. I'm really not an intimidating person, I'm too goofy. They both feel that I have put forward significant effort, and need to stop feeling like I owe it to them to make them happy.

Last edited by merry; 04-30-2010 at 09:47 PM.
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  #25  
Old 05-01-2010, 01:12 AM
StitchwitchD StitchwitchD is offline
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I thought about this while I went to the grocery store and worked on the kitchen....We're not poly, and the whole relationship/sex thing is pretty messed up right now, so it's not like I'm coming from the perspective of someone in a functional poly household, BUT we do have the working together to keep this household functioning, keep the house clean, have dinner on the table, get everyone where they need to go, and all while keeping the relationship drama to a minimum- we're AWESOME at all that.

We never really talked about basic expectations. We just all have a similar mentality about getting stuff done, we all have chores we like and ones we hate, and ones we're willing to do as long as other people take turns too. Everyone in the household is expected to contribute in some way, even the 4 year old has jobs that are his responsibility, like turning on the light in the fish tank. That's just the way it is, and if I lived here and didn't contribute anything but nookie, that would be a HUGE problem as far as everyone was concerned.

So, I think you should sit down with your husband and talk about reasonable expectations for contributing towards the well-being of the household, and how it's not fair for a healthy adult to expect to be completely unproductive and have someone else support their dead weight.
Then, assuming you've come to an agreement about that, BOTH of you talk to her about how she needs to contribute in some significant way, or she needs to go find someone else to mooch off of.
(Yeah, I'm heartless. My ex used me as a source of sex and money so he could just sit on his ass and play video games while I went to work, did most of the housework, etc. I put up with that crap way too long.)
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