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Old 04-30-2010, 06:04 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Default Does dating a couple ever work out?

I got a distressing [long distance] phone call from one of my best friends today. They're a poly couple, I'll call them Jack and Jane. Jane called me needing a poly-friendly ear, as due to her job she cannot be out of the closet. The only two friends who know they're poly are monogamous themselves.

Jack and Jane met a couple at a poly meet, I'll call them Matt and Mary. My friends were really into this couple, and thought the feeling was mutual. Jack and Jane invited the couple over for dinner and things seemed to be moving along nicely. Much flirting was exchanged.

Two weeks later, second date with the couple, Jack had to step out to pickup some things, and Mary came with him. Jane and Matt stayed behind.

Jack is a very flirtatious, sexual guy, so he made a move on Mary and they ended up making out. Meanwhile across town, Matt was dumping Jane, stating that he just can't handle this poly thing.

At one point in our conversation, Jane suggested that it didn't seem like Mary and Matt were on the same page. I suggested that it sounded like they weren't even in the same book.

Jack and Jane's relationship started in a whirlwind poly romance that resulted in the breakdown of Jack's marriage when Jack's wife felt she couldn't handle poly while Jack realized he couldn't do monogamy. When Matt dumped her, stating he wasn't polyamorous, Jane felt like she was reliving the whole experience.

It just makes me wonder. I see so many threads on here where a single person starts dating a couple, or else a couple starts dating a single person, and sooner or later it all seems to go haywire.

Are there ANY long-term success stories of couples dating as a couple???
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Old 04-30-2010, 01:06 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
Are there ANY long-term success stories of couples dating as a couple???
Hey Kat

Are you asking specifically about couples connecting with other couples long term ? Or couples and singles too ?

I can only share our experience relating to couple/couple connections.
If you think about it, the requirements for people to connect (requirements is not a good word) are pretty stringent to begin with. Of all the people we meet in our lives, how many do we feel that connection with ? Very few. It's pretty difficult for even two people to truly connect. When you start increasing those numbers the odds against you increase expotentially.

Often we've seen that in 2 couple meetings there may be some connection between some combination of 3. But getting the right connection for all 4 seems to be rare indeed. Not impossible, but rare.

And all of this seems to be exaggerated if it starts from a "looking for connection" method. It's seems the act of "looking" builds (often unawares) some list of qualities that we compare against. When you get in that mode it's much easier to start to find qualities that you find objectionable - or less than desirable.

It would seem that this holds true in general. The more you "look", the less likely you are to "find" ?

It seems that the best connections we discover just "happen". We weren't actually looking, or hyper-aware of possibilities, but instead evolved just from normal interaction and connections and possibilities surfaced unexpectedly.

But even in those scenarios, the math rules seem to hold sway. Not often is more than one connection discovered out of two (or more).

Only our experience............

GS
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Old 04-30-2010, 03:04 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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I would be curious to know stats on how often, including number of tries, mono relationships work out. I know a tremendous number of very single very available women who have been trying to find their one and only for many years. Their ratio of failed relationships is much greater than mine with finding a third.

hmmm, thinking of it like that kind of put a smile on my face, does that make me an ass...

I am on another forum with several "couplings" that have and are working out. Not sure of lengths of time though

Quote:
If you think about it, the requirements for people to connect (requirements is not a good word) are pretty stringent to begin with. Of all the people we meet in our lives, how many do we feel that connection with ? Very few. It's pretty difficult for even two people to truly connect. When you start increasing those numbers the odds against you increase expotentially.
Very few doesn't even describe it. I can count on one hand (ok maybe 2) the number of people I have connected with in the last 10 years. In this town of rotational temp workers I have met and hung out with, on the acquaintance level and at work, with 100's of people (these are people I have gone out with, talked to, played sports etc. Not just pass by workers for example). International, varying walks of life...and I still only have 2 hands of people I connected with.

Ok, now thats almost depressing haha...
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Old 04-30-2010, 06:50 PM
faraday faraday is offline
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My boyfriend and I didn't set out to have a mutual girlfriend. Maybe that's why it worked. In fact when my boyfriend and I started dating I was just getting out of a relationship with a couple that ended really badly. I felt awful about the idea of someone dating me to be with my boyfriend the way I felt like I had done in the past (thankfully short) relationship.

We where open and he started dating someone that I liked and I worked with. She slowly became a really deep friend and we were at times sexual. Then about two years into my boyfriend and her dating we decided that we where in fact partners and we are working on becoming a balanced open triad.

It wasn't what I was looking for. It wasn't what I would have even asked for but it makes me so happy. It took years and we still aren't fully balanced (hopefully that will change when we all move in together this summer) I think it is ridiculous to set out with a relationship that looks like ours as a goal. I think having a goal as to what your relationship "should" look like almost always screws you up in the long run. We just went into the world with our hearts open and willing to push ourselves and try to make things work and this is how it turned out. But we are open so who knows what it will look like in six months - 5 years. I hope there are more people we love and share our lives with but I don't have an ideal shape for our relationships just the goal of always being open to where life take you.
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Old 04-30-2010, 08:04 PM
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LovelyArianna LovelyArianna is offline
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I've been in poly V's a long time. I'm 36 about to be 37 and always been poly since my first sexual experience. I raised a daughter in an extended family (a V).

Triads always scared me. I never found quite the match in our close quads. This is the first couple I have ever dated. And it was because of having so much in common with both of them. I don't date the other man I had been dating, now I am dating just them. As I have said here, my husband (s) died and it took awhile to open my heart again.

Three's are all new to me. I was used to thinking differently.

Thing is tho, is the cup half empty or full? I would rather know I am the creator of my own experiences and manifest what I want. Right now I'm not sure three is what I want exactly. But that's ok, joy is the journey, not the destination and I live what I choose. I love how life is fluid that way.
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Old 05-01-2010, 01:54 AM
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Lemondrop Lemondrop is offline
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Define successful?

I am part of a quad comprised of two married couples. The quad has "officially" existed for just over a year, with friendships running for two or three years before that. We didn't start out looking for a relationship, though; it just developed over time.

I completely sympathize with Jane. Sunday gave me the same speech that she got--"I don't know if I can handle being poly"--and kept me hanging for months after that. Then, just when I was ready to say this is it, I'm ending it, and I was in an emotionally stable zone where I could be okay with Easy (my hubby) and Asha (Sunday's wife) continuing their relationship without me, Sunday started showing me little bits of spontaneous affection. I'm completely confused and at sea.

For now, the quad continues. I can honestly say that I love Easy, Asha, and Sunday. But it ain't been no easy road for me.
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Old 05-01-2010, 03:00 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by faraday View Post
I think it is ridiculous to set out with a relationship that looks like ours as a goal. I think having a goal as to what your relationship "should" look like almost always screws you up in the long run. We just went into the world with our hearts open and willing to push ourselves and try to make things work and this is how it turned out.
This is really nice. And it's something I think most forget sometimes - or simply don't know going in.
The simple act of "looking for" sets up certain designs and expectations that end up getting used as comparisons. And most of those comparisons come up short in one way or another.
It's almost better it seems to expect nothing, just be open, and cherish what you happen to discover instead !

GS
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Old 05-02-2010, 06:38 AM
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WaywardDruid WaywardDruid is offline
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Cool Hit & Miss......

As a couple (Trisha & I) we have had more Misses then Hits in our dating/Poly search for another couple to walk down this road together with.
The problems have been what any 4side dynamic can bring to the table. She likes him - he doesn't like her. She doesn't like Her or Him and the other He likes both she's but could care less about him. So with some adventures that might fill a small novel, we as a couple decided to just stop trying so hard to make a Quad work. She stills has other secondary's that I really like a couple that I could care less about but still communicate with. I since getting older is not making me any healthier just have my love for Trisha but wouldn't mind falling in love again before the dirt covers me once again.

So I guess the whole Quad thing never did work for us, but we still have hope, if not on this circle of life perhaps on the next.

Just My random thoughts,
Tim
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Old 05-06-2010, 07:24 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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GS: I was talking about dating couples in general, either couple-couple (quad), or single-couple (triad). Intuitively, it just seems highly unlikely that three or four people would all share enough in common to make a triad or quad be successful.

Ariakas: I'm not sure of statistics either, but we do have evidence that SOME vee's and monogamous relationships are successful, healthy and happy "til death do we part".

Lemondrop: A year is definitely a good start. If you can get that far, then clearly there's enough common ground for the romance to happen. At that point, I imagine, you just face most of the regular struggles as any couple. I'm not sure if I would consider something "successful" with less than at least 5 years, as a somewhat arbitrary benchmark. I just remember thinking (albeit in high school) that being in a relationship for a year was "such a long time" and then someone with 9 years under their belt pointed out to me that one year is still within the honeymoon phase. My relationship with my husband is in its 4th year, and now that the honeymoon phase is over, I can see what they meant. Now we're into the "hard work" phase. I don't love him any less, in fact I love him more, but it's definitely a different dynamic, and it can't flourish on the NRE anymore.
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The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
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