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Old 04-30-2010, 05:19 PM
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vandalin vandalin is offline
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Guess I lucked out then or my firewall etc is decent enough as I didn't get hit with anything. Sorry you did TL.

I actually thought they did a decent job on the show. Obviously they can't show every aspect and they do specify the marriage as open and not poly. I didn't see the husband as miserable, as you say Schordinger. I saw him as accepting but wanting it to stay sexual only and away from the family life that he has with his wife and child. That seemed like a semi-normal for the type of agreement I imagine they had. Although his not telling her about his lack of interest in others is a shame, but it does happen. We can't expect a major public tv show to only show the positives of an alternate lifestyle. They gave us the good and bad.

Maybe I missed something, but I still didn't get the feeling that the husband was miserable, just accepting and wanting his wife to be happy. They asked a lot of questions and it seemed to try to cover both ends of the spectrum from cynical to experiential.

As much as we would like for a show to display open or poly as a great alternative, we know that that won't happen anytime soon. The best we can hope for, at present (unless you happen to write scripts and own a production company) is for a semi impartial display that shows both sides.

As for the cheating doc, that was a complete failure of an open attempt because he could not deal with being honest and they tried to go too fast too soon, imho. The doc's and wife's entire conversation about it was basically DADT and her restrictions on time. Fini! That is not a good conversation, but is how it can happen when people do not understand what they are getting into.

Anyway, thanks for the original link and telling about this episode. I haven't watched a new House ep for a while, no tv and not exaclty toddler friendly. It was interesting trying to catch up a little.
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Old 05-01-2010, 04:02 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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We happened to catch that episode too.
Not very impressed I'm afraid. In the end they seemed to end up painting non-monogamy in the typical colors. Complicated, messy, undoable.
The program in general seems to have taken a dive in our opinion. It's really becoming more soap opera-ish this season. Yecchhhhh

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Old 05-01-2010, 04:24 PM
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I was actually pretty pleased with the episode. I don't feel like the husband was miserable, he just wanted his wife to be happy. When the wife found out about it and was calling her marriage a lie, Thirteen pointed out that the husband's motive was love. Also I think it drew a parallel, yes nonmonogamy is complicated and it can be messy but even when that was no longer an option Taub still did something that was complicated and messy so really it made a statement about the character more than anything.
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Old 05-02-2010, 06:10 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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I wrote this on another forum. Here is my take on the episode now that i watched it


I wasn`t all that surprised. House never believes anyone is telling the truth. So for the wife of the couple that truly believes truth defines their open relationship, that would be a button for him to explore. He explored it and found mistruths. They had nothing to do with the relationship at hand, but had to do with the foundation of their coupling.

I think it would be naive of the show to portray anything else. Visit any poly forum and the site is riddled with people who have told mistruths. Couples, secondaries, thirds etc. Yes, we might be more honest, or try harder, but there are still people whouse mistruths to get where and what they want.

I don`t believe the show did anything but follow its own formula and anyone who regularily watches it would simply see that formula. It wasn`t negative or positive. It was simply by its own design.

I spoke wth my wife and asked her about. Her take on being open and mine aren`t different in nature, but different in understanding. I am better read about the topic than she is, she is simply open because she enjoys me being with other women and also likes being with other women. She viewed the show as fairly positive, and even her mother and father did. Maybe because we are inside the box we are judging it more harshly than those outside of the relationship structure

Lastly - Taub...cheating might be a bit of kink for him. He likes the thrill of being with younger hotter women that makes his receding hairlined short ego feel stroked. Its hard to be in an open relationship and fill that `cheat`bug. If both parties know I doubt it feels like cheating.
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Old 05-06-2010, 08:54 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Originally Posted by vandalin View Post
I didn't see the husband as miserable, as you say Schordinger. I saw him as accepting but wanting it to stay sexual only and away from the family life that he has with his wife and child.
Perhaps not miserable... but at one point, didn't he say that he didn't really want the open marriage, he was only doing it for his wife? That feels sad to me. Like he'd rather it be closed, but he had to choose between open marriage and losing his wife. I think he said, he knew he would lose her if he didn't go along with it. Seems like a devastating decision to have to make.
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Old 05-06-2010, 02:36 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
I think he said, he knew he would lose her if he didn't go along with it. .
I would feel sad for anyone who stayed in a relationship for this reason no matter what they "had to go along with". Career changes that require moving away from family is another example. No person should ever feel like they have to go along with anything that causes them a constant stress.

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Old 05-10-2010, 12:48 PM
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KatTails KatTails is offline
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
Perhaps not miserable... but at one point, didn't he say that he didn't really want the open marriage, he was only doing it for his wife? That feels sad to me. Like he'd rather it be closed, but he had to choose between open marriage and losing his wife. I think he said, he knew he would lose her if he didn't go along with it. Seems like a devastating decision to have to make.
My husband and I watched this episode this weekend. We don't watch House - so it was a little confusing since we didn't know the characters. We thought the dialogues about open marriage were right on - they are things we have said many times. I completely identify with both the husband and the cheating doctors wife (sorry I don't remember names.)

Here's why: up until a year ago - we were monogamous, sans one full swap with another married couple we met at a swingers club. When my husband asked permission to sleep with a co-worker - my reaction was almost exactly like the cheating doctors wife. I went back and forth - giving permission, then taking it away. It wasn't fair to them, and because I felt secure in our marriage and to make my husband happy - I finally gave the ok. A few months later - they fell in love - which was my biggest fear. Right or wrong - I am doing this for my husband - just like the husband is accepting this for his wife. My husband needs us both in his life to be happy. I want him to be happy. As Morningglory pointed out to me a few weeks ago - I am also doing this for myself: my husband is my life and I would rather learn to accept this part of his life and remain happily married, than divorce him, lose the love of my life, my best friend, and be even more miserable. It was a devastating decision to make - but losing him would be more devastating. Just like the husband - I could find a boyfriend, or girlfriend, if I wanted to. I simply choose not to at this point in time.

I was disappointed that the married doctor cheated on his wife - but this supports why I am accepting this. People lie and cheat behind their spouses backs all the time - it's pretty much accepted in our society. My husband chose not to lie or cheat. He has been nothing but open and honest about everything. To me - that is the sign of a good marriage. As I explained it to someone: I would rather my husband be open and honest with me, even though it hurts, than for him to be lying, sneaking and cheating behind my back. It's because of his honesty that I am able to trust him and why I am trying to be accepting of his having a girlfriend.

I do wish that more shows would show this kind of thing. I've never seen Big Love - what does everyone think about that show?


Last edited by KatTails; 05-10-2010 at 12:58 PM.
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Old 05-11-2010, 04:56 AM
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redsirenn redsirenn is offline
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Default NY times article

I just saw the episode - didn't have any strong reactions to it.

I was just surfing the net and found this article

It discusses the genetic predisposition they talked about in the show.

In addition to that, I found it interesting how they talk about how "new and exciting experiences" or "self-expansion" as a couple can strengthen commitment.

The questions they posed: How much does your partner provide a source of exciting experiences? How much has knowing your partner made you a better person? How much do you see your partner as a way to expand your own capabilities?

Are some I have faced as a result of exploring nonmonogamy with my bf.

huh. I can answer to those above questions: lots, lots, and lots, respectively.

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Old 05-27-2010, 08:29 PM
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WaywardDruid WaywardDruid is offline
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The weekly drama series House recently aired an episode in which the patient was in an honest open relationship. True to Hollywood style all was not as it seemed. The show was in many ways a train wreck of what can go wrong when people are not fully honest. The episode featured three stories, the open relationship, the cheating doctor and House’s best friend’s dishonesty about his feelings with his girlfriend and former wife.

The open relationship is greeted in the beginning with the doctors wagging their tongues about the impossibility of a couple have an open relationship and being happy. It is the “unicorn” they proclaim, it never truly works. The show goes on to show how the husband has been dishonest both in his feelings, his relationships and the couple’s money. He lies about being ok with an open marriage because he “loves” his wife so much. He does not want her to feel bad about what she is doing. This of course implies that the audience all knows that what she is doing is bad or wrong. According to the character House he lies about the money as a way to get even for her sleeping around. Her other partner shows up and is severely reprimanded for intruding on their family. They after all have to protect the sanctity of the family.

All of this is a reflection of people who wander out into the open relationship arena without a guide book or guide to help them through the process. Since most people have no models it can be very tricky to navigate the feelings and challenges that come when people open up their relationship whether to dating, swinging or polyamory. The show of course does not address this; it simply points fingers at how this kind of relationship never works. They never address the underlying real challenges that are basic lack of communication and honesty.

Meanwhile the cheating doctor, who was the one to speak out the loudest about the impracticality of an open relationship, brings the subject up to his wife. He is currently not cheating but has long history of doing so and is flirting with a nurse incessantly. His wife is hurt and angry but the next day gives him one night a week to do whatever. She declares she loves him and needs to accept who he is, a non-monogamous man. She does not however want to meet the women, hear about them or discuss any of it. Sounds promising and he immediately asks out the nurse. In the end his wife changes her mind and he insists it is fine that he really only wants her. A few days later he runs into the nurse and they leave in her car together after a passionate kiss. He is lying but he is doing it of course to protect his wife because he loves her.

The third somewhat back story is about the lack of honesty and communication House’s friend has with his former wife he is now dating again. He is not being honest about little things that annoy him and House makes sure to play it up. They fight but in the end they talk. They talk about how they really feel and in the end it heals much of their relationship. Wow, what a concept, honesty can be healing. Of course they are a happily monogamous couple.

It is great that Hollywood is including open relationships in their story lines. Other shows have also done this. Most of the time however, these relationships are shown to be isolated and highly dysfunctional. I do understand that many people are totally unaware that open relationships, swinging and polyamory even exist much less can and do function well for many people. These shows totally miss that often people in successful open type relationships have a culture, community and support system that can help them navigate these challenging relationship pitfalls. It is true that non-traditional open relationships can end in disaster and so do many traditional monogamous ones. Like monogamy, the open relationships that really work involve effort, communication, trust and honesty.

This episode of House was an example of the attitudes reflected in the greater society. The belief that lying to your partner can be noble and that honesty and openness never work even while the show is showing it does. It is a dichotomy of mixed messages. In truth people lie to their partner because they are afraid of confrontation, they are afraid to lose them and they are afraid of big boom arguments. They will hide their real feelings, live in unhappy and unfulfilled circumstances and let go of their real desires, needs and wants. We consider this noble. Where though is the intimacy? When you lie about who you are and what you want then you are sharing an illusion with others. With honesty and a willingness to truly be you, comes true intimacy. Is it easy? Often no, it is not. It is through the darkness and vulnerability we find ourselves and our partners. It can be an amazing journey that actually builds a stronger relationship as in the case of House’s friend. Yes, you can sometimes lose someone by being honest. In most cases this is not what happens and in those where it does both people usually end up glad to move on to a more appropriate relationship.

These concepts are probably too grown up for Hollywood at this point. Polyamory and open relating are still in the stages of being the joke. Change will come in time. More people are exploring polyamory and other open relationship styles, especially the younger generations. More shows are including open relating as a story line, albeit a disaster usually. We are making head way and things are changing. It would be nice if there was more awareness of the polyamory movement and the organizations, books and people available to help those exploring navigate the pitfalls of multi-partnered relating.

Lying results in loss of trust, which leads to insecurity, jealousy, drama and many challenges for the people involved. Often when spouses cheat the biggest challenge is building trust again. Lying is not noble and really not done out of love but out of fear. It takes guts, respect and tremendous love to be really honest in our culture.

Honest open relationships where all parties are happy, included and family, are not mythological, they do exist. They are not so different from anything else. They are based on love, and work best when all parties are honest, considerate and real about their needs. Like all relationships they are challenging long term and require us to deal with our insecurities, fears and see ourselves clearly. The rewards are numerous from expanded love and family to adventure and exploring sexuality. Each person in this world is different, for some monogamy is fantastic for other swinging is great and for some it is polyamory, most share a desire for intimacy, honesty, connection and most of all love.
Round & round the circle goes.
We seek the ones who will share in love.
In our dreams the answers come.
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