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  #41  
Old 03-09-2010, 05:03 PM
polytriad polytriad is offline
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Polyamory : Roadmaps For The Clueless And Hopeful - Anthony D. Ravenscroft -

I just seen this book online and looked at the table of contents looks like a good read and it would cover a lot.

I my opinion a book can only really be interpreted by it's reader. Mono pointed out his "wiring" which gives him a different prospective on the books that he has read and others prospective may very well differ. There is no harm in reading all the books listed on this post or going to your local book store and browsing a few or even your local library. I just went last night to B&N and browsed Open and Ethical slut..both good reads in my opinion but go find out for yourself

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Originally Posted by rubyfish View Post
My husband and I are taking baby steps into polyamory. Everything is still in the hypothetical, but I've been doing lots of research (both because I'm the poly one and I'm really rather neurotic). I was looking for some book recommendation. I'm looking for books to help my husband understand how I feel and what I want.

I just finished The Ethical Slut and it wasn't exactly what I was hoping for. I think there is great information in there about managing jealousy and emotions, but it just wasn't emphasizing what I was hoping for. I'm looking for a book that talks more about love and less about sex, because that's me. Sex is nice and all, but for me it's about love and connection. No offense to anyone with other view points, but I was hoping there was a book that was more in tune with me.

Thanks so much,

Ruby
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  #42  
Old 03-09-2010, 05:09 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Originally Posted by polytriad View Post
Polyamory : Roadmaps For The Clueless And Hopeful - Anthony D. Ravenscroft -
I have this book and you're the only person I've seen recommend it besides myself. I am not very far into it, but unlike the Amazon reviews claim, i do not think that one has to read it cover-to-cover in order for it to make sense. Yes, the font size is kind of small, but I can flip through it and land on almost any page and start reading and it makes sense to me.

What I like most about this book is that it is not an endorsement of polyamory and goes out of its way to address the pitfalls. Also, the things it talks about can be applied to any relationship even if you end up deciding that poly is not for you.
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  #43  
Old 03-09-2010, 07:17 PM
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geminigirl geminigirl is offline
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If you're looking for a book that talks mostly about the loving aspects of polyamory, try Deborah Anapol's The New Love without Limits. It's the book I sent my parents and sister to read when I "came out" as poly, and obviously I didn't want to stress ethical sluttery to them!
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  #44  
Old 03-09-2010, 07:37 PM
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Originally Posted by geminigirl View Post
If you're looking for a book that talks mostly about the loving aspects of polyamory, try Deborah Anapol's The New Love without Limits. It's the book I sent my parents and sister to read when I "came out" as poly, and obviously I didn't want to stress ethical sluttery to them!
There is a link on the first page of this thread... excellent book! I gave that to my parents too. I got it back with a "hm, interesting" and that was it... I don't know how it really went over, but others have said the same thing, very helpful.
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  #45  
Old 03-25-2010, 06:41 PM
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BOOK REVIEW:
"One Big Happy Family: 18 Writes talk about Polyamory, Open Adoption, Mixed Marriage, House-husbandry, Single Motherhood and Other Realities of Truly Modern Love.", edited by Rebecca Walker, Riverhead Books, (c) 2009, ISBN 978-1-59448-862-7, 263 pages.

This book is a mixed bag, as you might expect given that it is 18 essays by different writers. Some of the essays were extremely moving. I teared up. Others had me rolling my eyes. Do I really need to learn about this man and wife who bicker for pages about house work?

You do get a sense that people with courage and determination can over come very difficulty obstacles in their marriage / relationships. Some of the situations these people wrote about were very interesting. Others were so dull, I found myself skimming the remainder of the article.

As a guide for polyamory, the book does not say much. The author who discusses poly is Jenny Block who wrote "Open: Love, Sex, and Life in an Open marriage", (reviewed above). Her essay is basically a 16 page summary of her book, with out the details that might help someone. Basically it is an assurance that poly families exist and that they can work.

I can not recommend this book for people looking for information about polyamory. I wonder, for what audience the book would really be of use to. People who need an example that lateral thinking about relationships may be useful perhaps.

Warm regards, Rick
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  #46  
Old 04-02-2010, 07:13 PM
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BOOK REVIEW:
"The Five Love Languages: How to Express heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate.", by Gary Chapman, Northfield Publishing, (c) 1992 & 1995, ISBN 1-881273-15-6, 203 pages. The edition I read includes a study guide by James S. Bell Jr.

I did not have high expectations for this book. The Greeks have 5 different words for love and I expected this book to discuss those ideas with regards to modern society. I was completely wrong, this is a very good resource if you are in a loving relationship and it seems to be not working properly.

The major thesis of the book is that New Relationship Energy (NRE) is not love. Additionally, people have different ways of emotionally being satisfied that their partners love them. However, many marriages go awry when one partner has a way of expressing love that does not emotionally connect to their partner.

The author claims that the five ways people have for feeling loved are:
-- Words of Affirmation
-- Quality Time
-- Receiving Gifts
-- Acts of Service
-- Physical Touch.

An example of how his idea works. A man in a relationship most strongly feels loved when his partner does acts of service. His wife needs quality time to feel loved.

The man (wanting to be loving) works his butt off providing a living at work, coming home and mowing, gardening, fixing her car, making a nice sewing room for her, etc. But this does not satisfy her - she needs him to spend time talking with her and maybe going on a trip with him or something. To her, his efforts to do things for her feels like he is distancing himself from her, he is always being too busy. Likewise, he resents her not doing acts of service he would appreciate (having a meal ready when he gets home from a long day at work for example).

Mr. Chapman says he must learn how to show his love in a way that emotionally significant to her, even if it is not his natural way of showing love. The same is true for her.

I don't think that this book is the end all and be all of what you need to make a relationship work. But for some people, it is the clue that they have been missing. It is the mental tool they need to make their relationship click.


There are a couple of things that rub me the wrong way in the book:

First the book is poly-intolerant. On page 108 he writes:
"This age is characterized as the age of sexual openness and freedom. With that freedom, we have demonstrated that the open marriage where both spouses are free to have sexual intimaciess with other individuals is fanciful. Those who do not object on moral grounds eventally object on emotional grounds. Something about our need for intimacy and love does not allow us to give our spouse such freedom. The emotional pain is deep and intimacy evaporates when we are aware that our spouse is involved with someone else sexually."

Second he is Christian and any time he wants to pull out the big guns and make a point beyond debate he quotes scripture.

Chapter 12 is called "Loving the Unlovely" and it discusses what do you do when you hate your partner. He suggests that you do loving acts (using the wisdom in his book) for 6 months. If they feel emotionally fulfilled and loved, they may reciprocate and a loveless marriage may be saved.

The entire chapter is a Christian love-fest. You might be able to pull of the above strategy with out God's Love but it is clear he doubts it.


Despite my reservations, I plan to add this book to my library. I think that this book is a very practical guide for helping good willed people save a relationship that does not seem to be working, for reasons that they can't understand.

Warm regards, Rick.

Last edited by RickPlus; 04-02-2010 at 07:20 PM.
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  #47  
Old 04-30-2010, 05:01 PM
Petal Petal is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
This is the book I most recommend so far for those that want to explain polyamory to someone.

Polyamory:
The New Love Without Limits

http://www.lovewithoutlimits.com/books.html


Here is my reasoning for not recommending the Ethical Slut or even the book Opening Up.

Both the above books are more directed at those that want to open up. They are less sensitive to a person who is trying to understand why their partner needs this.

The New Love Without Limits, although less in depth and simplistic, does a better job of explaining the multiple "loving" aspect of polyamory in my opinion.

The "Ethical Slut" reads like a how-to to fuck lots of people in a mature responsible way.

Opening Up is a book for couples who want to open up.

A lot of times we are dealing with people who do not want to open up. This requires a great deal of clarity, sensitivity, and understanding of their perspective when presenting the reasons for how and why their partner wants/needs and can even have multiple loves.

I'm not sure of a book specifically designed for those people..the ones looking at their partners with broken hearts, feeling loss, inadequate or replaced.
I don't mean to sound dramatic..but that is what we are dealing with.

Peace and Love
Mono

I would have to agree completely with you. Though I'm not in a position to speak much on anything I can speak on these references and I completely agree with you. In my last few years of dipping my toes into this way of life I've read all three books. Perhaps my introduction to this new way of living would have been accepted more quickly had I read "The new love without limits" first.
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  #48  
Old 04-30-2010, 05:12 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Everything is a learning experience isn't it? Loking forward to hearing more from you Petal
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  #49  
Old 04-30-2010, 05:35 PM
Petal Petal is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
Everything is a learning experience isn't it? Loking forward to hearing more from you Petal
Yes, indeed it is. An great thing about learning is that no matter what it is your learning about it's always good that you're learning. Perhaps one day you'll hear more, but for now I'm learning I'm only good at public speaking professionally versus personally. Thanks for making me feel more comfortable in doing so though.
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  #50  
Old 04-30-2010, 05:40 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Originally Posted by Petal View Post
Yes, indeed it is. An great thing about learning is that no matter what it is your learning about it's always good that you're learning. Perhaps one day you'll hear more, but for now I'm learning I'm only good at public speaking professionally versus personally. Thanks for making me feel more comfortable in doing so though.
Pleasure's all mine Have a great day!
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