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  #11  
Old 04-29-2010, 11:18 PM
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Morningglory629 Morningglory629 is offline
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
One thing that may help smooth the transition is to remove your limitations on how they can behave within their relationship (i.e. they're only allowed to date twice a week).

If you express support of their relationship truly developing in its own right, just not under your roof, then you won't be asking them to give up as much. As it sounds right now, not only are you asking her to leave, but you're also asking her to limit her time with him, according to your restrictions. And you're asking the same of him.

You cleverly used the phrase "new relationship boundaries he and I put in place when I first brought this up" but in all honesty, that sounds more to me like "the boundaries that I forced him to accept." Because I'm willing to bet money that that wasn't his idea...
imposed boundaries=resentment
KT and I have this problem all the time (although neither of us really want to cohabitate- at this point anyway)! Relationships developing in a natural progression is best for all involved. In my case I want everything to happen quickly. KT never wants it to progress. But we are struggling through it, and finding our way. I want KT and 2R to be more open to accepting my husband into their lives. That hasn't even been scratched. She has restricted our general interactions and has actually asked me to not be out with him in the entire East end of our city. And as you may know from previous posts she has actually banned certain sexual acts. Yep and I am complying. Because for whatever reason she needs those boundaries. But in my opinion they are unnecessary and counterproductive to building a relationship. I honestly believe the more rules she has requested the less happy her marriage is. I hope you realize those restrictions (you think are reasonable) are repressive and will eventually damage your marriage. His inaction is his answer. He doesn't want it to end with GF and resents you for trying to restrict them. Whether or not that resentment grows is really up to you and how you help him develop his secondary relationship. He WANTS to live with her. His need is not being met but he is accepting your sudden departure from the original plan. You need to put your restrictions in check because you cannot force a reversal in his love for her.

Last edited by Morningglory629; 05-05-2010 at 08:49 AM. Reason: P=2rings
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  #12  
Old 04-29-2010, 11:29 PM
merry merry is offline
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Originally Posted by Morningglory629 View Post
imposed boundaries=resentment
KT and I have this problem all the time (although neither of us really want to cohabitate- at this point anyway)! Relationships developing in a natural progression is best for all involved. In my case I want everything to happen quickly. KT never wants it to progress. But we are struggling through it, and finding our way. I want KT and P to be more open to accepting my husband into their lives. That hasn't even been scratched. She has restricted our general interactions and has actually asked me to not be out with him in the entire East end of our city. And as you may know from previous posts she has actually banned certain sexual acts. Yep and I am complying. Because for whatever reason she needs those boundaries. But in my opinion they are unnecessary and counterproductive to building a relationship. I honestly believe the more rules she has requested the less happy her marriage is. I hope you realize those restrictions (you think are reasonable) are repressive and will eventually damage your marriage. His inaction is his answer. He doesn't want it to end with GF and resents you for trying to restrict them. Whether or not that resentment grows is really up to you and how you help him develop his secondary relationship. He WANTS to live with her. His need is not being met but he is accepting your sudden departure from the original plan. You need to put your restrictions in check because you cannot force a reversal in his love for her.
This is what I just don't understand. It's his right to live with whom he wants, but I have no say if it conflicts?

I went to him the other night and told him that I'd be willing to ease up those restrictions if it's confirmed that she's moving out. It turns out, he wasn't even at that page - he didn't accept the entire concept that I could have a say in her moving out at all. He's never accepted my "sudden departure" - which it wasn't, this has been on the table for 6 months.

I know restrictions aren't positive things. But understand that that's the only compromise I've been able to get at all, its the only thing they've been willing to do to make me feel at all safer or less unhappy. It doesn't solve the main issue - that she needs to move out. But it was an attempt to find a way to make me feel a little better while we worked on things.

Now that schedule has been revoked anyhow, by him. I'm not getting anything out of this... and I'm not sure anymore whether it's healthy for me to be here anymore.
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  #13  
Old 04-30-2010, 12:49 AM
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Yeah, you are the only one that can decide what works for you or not.

Also, the only unilateral decision you have a complete right to make in this relationship is to leave if you have had enough. Not that I am recommending that or not, just saying.

This seems like a really tough spot. You don't want your marriage to end, want to work through things, but also want your needs met. That is totally fair! You should have your needs met.

Ultimatums are not good - I agree with everyone else, but sometimes we feel there is no other choice. I have been there too, and ended up leaving when I realized that I was not going to get what I needed.

Wish you the best.
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  #14  
Old 04-30-2010, 12:58 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Morningglory629 View Post
imposed boundaries=resentment
KT and I have this problem all the time (although neither of us really want to cohabitate- at this point anyway)! Relationships developing in a natural progression is best for all involved. In my case I want everything to happen quickly. KT never wants it to progress. But we are struggling through it, and finding our way. I want KT and P to be more open to accepting my husband into their lives. That hasn't even been scratched. She has restricted our general interactions and has actually asked me to not be out with him in the entire East end of our city. And as you may know from previous posts she has actually banned certain sexual acts. Yep and I am complying. Because for whatever reason she needs those boundaries. But in my opinion they are unnecessary and counterproductive to building a relationship. I honestly believe the more rules she has requested the less happy her marriage is. .
Seems to me MG, that you have a tone in your post that is aggressive towards KT and her decisions.
"she has "actually" banned certain sexual acts." - the use of actually here seems almost disrespectful. Have you considered that she is reading into this vibe and it may be contributing to needed certain boundaries? You are in a relationship with her as well, and things are rarely one-sided.

Also,"KT "never" wants is to progress", "the less happy her marriage is", "counterproductive", all have that same ring to it. You are basically dissing her n a very passive way - do you see that?

Further, you want things to move "quickly"... Why? Especially when it may be better for all involved if it doesn't? What do you have to gain from it moving quickly that you cannot wait for?

These are just some observations from this post - some of the tone is echoed in others I have read. If you want this to succeed where everyone is healthy and satisfied, I would consider looking at yourself too.

I don't mean this in any sort of derogatory way, but since you are both on the forum, I felt that I could point it out, with the hope that my insight could help ALL of you.

RS
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  #15  
Old 04-30-2010, 01:47 AM
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I can't help but focus on the issue of your husband's girlfriend not growing up as a self sufficient adult; secure in her ability to take care of herself as an empowered woman. No doubt she doesn't want to give you space..because that means she would loose her comfy place and financial security....How much of your husband is her "Boyfriend" and how much of him is her "sugar daddy"?
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  #16  
Old 04-30-2010, 03:00 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
I can't help but focus on the issue of your husband's girlfriend not growing up as a self sufficient adult; secure in her ability to take care of herself as an empowered woman. No doubt she doesn't want to give you space..because that means she would loose her comfy place and financial security....How much of your husband is her "Boyfriend" and how much of him is her "sugar daddy"?
I am with Mono on this. To live in a household you need to contribute to it. This could be by caring for the house or working out side to add to the households funds. There is no way I could have someone in my house who is not working towards the good of the family. This is what families do.
Just to toss the idea out there what if the GF got a job and gave half of her check to help out. That way she is out of the house for a while everyday.
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  #17  
Old 04-30-2010, 03:16 AM
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Morningglory629 Morningglory629 is offline
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Originally Posted by redsirenn View Post
Seems to me MG, that you have a tone in your post that is aggressive towards KT and her decisions.
"she has "actually" banned certain sexual acts." - the use of actually here seems almost disrespectful. Have you considered that she is reading into this vibe and it may be contributing to needed certain boundaries? You are in a relationship with her as well, and things are rarely one-sided.

These are just some observations from this post - some of the tone is echoed in others I have read. If you want this to succeed where everyone is healthy and satisfied, I would consider looking at yourself too.

I don't mean this in any sort of derogatory way, but since you are both on the forum, I felt that I could point it out, with the hope that my insight could help ALL of you.

RS
You are right. I was being disrespectful. Not really passive but probably more out of frustration. No excuses. Sorry KT!
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  #18  
Old 04-30-2010, 03:19 AM
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Morningglory629 Morningglory629 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
I can't help but focus on the issue of your husband's girlfriend not growing up as a self sufficient adult; secure in her ability to take care of herself as an empowered woman. No doubt she doesn't want to give you space..because that means she would loose her comfy place and financial security....How much of your husband is her "Boyfriend" and how much of him is her "sugar daddy"?
1. Is there a reason she needs financially taken care of...is she pursuing an education or is there some other reason for the unemployment?
2. Did he offer a home while she pursued some other endeavor?
3. Did she always have financial dependence or is this something that just happened?
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  #19  
Old 04-30-2010, 03:41 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Originally Posted by Morningglory629 View Post
1. Is there a reason she needs financially taken care of...is she pursuing an education or is there some other reason for the unemployment?
2. Did he offer a home while she pursued some other endeavor?
3. Did she always have financial dependence or is this something that just happened?
These are all good questions and I like the idea Otter has. Has your husband and his girlfriend considered the benefits of having a separate place. Redpepper and I enjoy our private time at my place. Even when we are able to co-habitate (and we are being very cautious about pacing this move....16 months and counting) I will have a detached suite. Yes they won't see each other as much, but the time they have will be very private. Maybe a couple of nights a week? That way you all have one on one time. So, again you can look at the benefit of her becoming independent.

As far as your husband paying for her way through school or something....I would hope that both him and her could see the resentment this could foster. Not only are you realy not getting anything tangible out of thier relationship (I'm sure some one will take issue with this statement) but now she is impacting the financial state of your household.

Do they not think that their relationship will be smoother and healthier if the relationship all of you have is? People seem to want so much...the world is not about getting absolutely everything you want....but in the case of poly relationships a lot of times people get a generous amount of those things and that is wonderful...for those that want it. I think some people lose sight of that and quite frankly become greedy.
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  #20  
Old 04-30-2010, 05:39 AM
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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
People seem to want so much...the world is not about getting absolutely everything you want....but in the case of poly relationships a lot of times people get a generous amount of those things and that is wonderful...for those that want it. I[B] think some people lose sight of that and quite frankly become greedy[/B].
Guilty! Gulp! Good point...note to self: Stop being greedy!
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