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  #111  
Old 04-28-2010, 06:15 PM
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I've really only ever been involved in poly from the standpoint of being part of a couple. What I do know though is that compersion comes much easier for me in already established relationships rather than relationships that are newly starting up. I think maybe it comes down to being comfortable with what is already known in contrast to the fear of the unknown.

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  #112  
Old 04-28-2010, 08:12 PM
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I'ma have to go with yes. There has to be different levels of jealousy. Of course, I'm speaking from a couple's standpoint. The whole process of 'opening up' my monogamous marriage was flooded with jealousy. From long-term Monogamy to Polyamory is a drastic change in mindset and I can't imagine a person who is single to experience the same insecurities.
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  #113  
Old 04-28-2010, 11:47 PM
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Default Talk with the sister...

... There are a few people in my life that are becoming very supportive about mine and O's blossoming relationship when they were not so before.

One of them is my sister - conservative in her own right.

She called me today, and was talking about guys she is/ had dated, and how she hates the feeling of jealousy she has towards them dating or spending time with someone else (after they broke up or stopped dating - she is not poly). I got the chance to talk to her about jealousy and how it can be looked at as a symptom of another problem, like insecurity.

It was wonderful talking to her about this! I love knowing that the small steps I make in my life can be helpful to those I love! I feel that this new insight might just help her in many aspects of her life.

RS
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  #114  
Old 04-29-2010, 04:19 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I would THINK, that in a situation where there is a primary couple, there would be more jealousy within that couple as opposed to someone who has no primary. Is jealousy lower in this latter group do you think?
I agree with YGirl, GeminiGirl and Derby...they all made good points. It's a hard question to answer. It seems like if a person is in a "couple" and they are sharing a home, they might tend to be more possessive and prone to jealousy......because the threat of losing their partner might create anxiety since their daily home life would be affected. But as a single person who lives alone, the ending of a relationship wouldn't really affect your home life, therefore you might not be as anxious about it!?!?!?

That seems to be logical....but I don't think it's very valid. Emotions aren't logical and they don't neccessarily follow logic.

I'll just talk about my experiences.
I haven't experienced a lot of jealousy in my life and I don't really know why. Also, none of the people I have been in relationships with have expressed any jealousy that I can remember (except one and he expressed it immediately....we only dated 8 months) So anyway......I just started the poly lifestyle! Uh Oh...... I guess I better hang on for the ride!!!
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  #115  
Old 04-29-2010, 05:47 AM
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I think this is an important place to emphasize the distinction between jealousy and envy.

In a committed relationship, you have more to lose, so there's more opportunity to feel jealousy. And because ideally, a person wants their partners to be happy and fulfilled, so they may be more likely to feel compersion rather than envy.

In casual relationships, you're more likely to see your lovers out and about with their other lovers, especially if you all have overlapping social circles, and this can create an opportunity for envy. I suppose there's also an opportunity for jealousy, in that you may be in a casual relationship with someone and you see them growing a stronger relationship with one of their partners, which may "push" you out a little bit, leaving less time for you.

I guess "opportunity" isn't exactly the right term, unless you choose to take ownership for those emotions and conquer them, thus making it an opportunity for growth.
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  #116  
Old 04-29-2010, 06:16 AM
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I don't have many relationships to extrapolate from personally, but my experience is actually the OPPOSITE of your assumption, redpepper.

When I opened up to poly, I was married and mono for years. My wife was more assertive in finding partners than I was. It was a little awkward at first figuring out how we related to each other and what we related to each other. But that awkwardness wasn't jealousy for me. In fact, I don't really think I have ever been jealous of my wife or one of her partners given the long, committed relationship with her.

However, when I entered a V, I found that I was jealous and envious more frequently. With my wife, I didn't need assurances that I was still important in her life. It was pretty clear where we stood with each other. In the V, there was ranking and deferring that made me unsettled.

I'm pretty sure you won't find hard and fast rules to the types, reasons for, or amounts of jealousy among the different shapes of relationships. I think, like all relationships, it depends entirely on the people in them.
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  #117  
Old 04-29-2010, 06:58 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
In a committed relationship, you have more to lose, so there's more opportunity to feel jealousy. And because ideally, a person wants their partners to be happy and fulfilled, so they may be more likely to feel compersion rather than envy.
I think it's the opposite. When you're in a committed relationship you know where you stand or else to me it's not necessarily a committed relationship so there is less inclination to feel jealous and perhaps more inclination to feel threatened because, as it's been said, you have more to loose if things go awry. In my experience I feel jealous when I don't know where I stand with a partner so newer relationships where there hasn't been as much communication have more of a tendency to evoke jealousy in me.

Last edited by NeonKaos; 04-29-2010 at 12:12 PM.
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  #118  
Old 04-29-2010, 03:37 PM
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I guess these answer show how different jealousy is for everyone, at least in function
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  #119  
Old 04-29-2010, 04:36 PM
polytriad polytriad is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marco View Post
I'ma have to go with yes. There has to be different levels of jealousy. Of course, I'm speaking from a couple's standpoint. The whole process of 'opening up' my monogamous marriage was flooded with jealousy. From long-term Monogamy to Polyamory is a drastic change in mindset and I can't imagine a person who is single to experience the same insecurities.

I second this.

My wife's girlfriend just admitted that she gets jealous when my wife and I are intimate, not only because that is her girlfriend but also because she has feelings for me too but cant be with me at the moment. but I also see my wife being jealous because Nikki (her girlfriend) and I have a stronger connection then they do because Nikki and I have been friends for a years. I actually knew Nikki before I knew wifey. Now if we were all in a triad then the jealousy would be as strong because no one would be left out. for example Nikki being jealous that my wifey sits on my lap when I get home from work to greet me wouldnt be in issue because she could also do that when I got home as well. So as a Vee i see more jealousy then a triad
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  #120  
Old 04-29-2010, 07:55 PM
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Originally Posted by polytriad View Post
I second this.

My wife's girlfriend just admitted that she gets jealous when my wife and I are intimate, not only because that is her girlfriend but also because she has feelings for me too but cant be with me at the moment. but I also see my wife being jealous because Nikki (her girlfriend) and I have a stronger connection then they do because Nikki and I have been friends for a years. I actually knew Nikki before I knew wifey. Now if we were all in a triad then the jealousy would be as strong because no one would be left out. for example Nikki being jealous that my wifey sits on my lap when I get home from work to greet me wouldnt be in issue because she could also do that when I got home as well. So as a Vee i see more jealousy then a triad
That's the way a lot of people see it in theory but it doesn't always work that way in reality.

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