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  #11  
Old 04-29-2010, 04:10 AM
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My best friend and I used to "hate women" because pretty much all the bimbos we went to school with were the catty, back-stabbing ones you speak of.

But I refused to let that control me, and eventually developed a really good sense of which kinds of women were good to be around. Not all women are like you describe, though if you've been hiding out and avoiding them, then it's easy to see how you would feel that way.

The other part of this is, it sounds like you believe "being poly" means that you have to be in a threesome-relationship, where you're supposed to be girlfriends with the other woman. This usually doesn't work out even for bisexual women who love other women, never mind straight ones. So if this is what your husband is pressuring you to do, just tell him straight up that you're not interested.
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  #12  
Old 05-04-2010, 01:40 AM
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Question kinda worried...

we are gonna be going to a place within the next couple of weeks where i experienced my first real g2g kiss/makeout last year. granted i was wasted on absinthe, i did have fun with it at the time. at that time the hubby wasn't "out" as poly and hadn't expressed any real desires of seeing me in a 3way or having another relationship other than 'typical' male 'oh i'd like that' type stuff. but now, with him 'out', i feel like any playing or fun having on my part will constitute him thinking I am OK with things and that he will push harder for things afterward. yes, i MIGHT play with another girl, i MIGHT let him. it just depends on the situation, the girl and my emotional fortitude at the moment. i am contemplating all of this before hand. i am trying to figure out how far i am willing/comfortable with going. and also then, letting it be known that is IT in no uncertain terms. i am just afraid whatever i do won't be enough for him. or that afterward he may blaming me for taking two steps forward and 3 back. how do i enforce my boundaries, still have fun, explore and not hurt his feelings???
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  #13  
Old 05-04-2010, 03:08 AM
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[QUOTE=faeriesrreal;28332]
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Originally Posted by faeriesrreal View Post
we are gonna be going to a place within the next couple of weeks where i experienced my first real g2g kiss/makeout last year. granted i was wasted on absinthe, :
Booze and personal boundaries are a shitty mix. Look after yourself and perhaps stay away from intoxicants should you choose to explore other relations would be my advice. That way you're less likely to wake up regretting your actions. Just my advice
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  #14  
Old 05-04-2010, 06:45 AM
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I'm not sure what this thing is you are going to, but chances are that if alcohol is involved and you already know that there are some unresolved issues floating around that they will surface their ugly head and become bigger issues. I would suggest if you are going to be drinking that you make very firm boundaries that are bigger than you might otherwise. Like, no intimacy at all except each other. Otherwise don't medicate. and see how it goes.

I dunno, what is the rush, it's not like you will never in you entire life have the chance to get it on with others. Besides, this sounds more like swinging than poly, be sure you know the difference in your heart and really know that you are okay being in a situation where you will be used for sex and will use others. If you are the type that see sex as a way to get off and nothing more, then fine, but if you are the type that feel it reflects your inner most being in terms of feeling loved and loving others, then perhaps this is not the scene for you.

Be careful not to leave damaged by others because you unknowingly, on both parts, allowed them to damage you.
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  #15  
Old 05-04-2010, 04:48 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by faeriesrreal View Post
we are gonna be going to a place within the next couple of weeks where i experienced my first real g2g kiss/makeout last year. granted i was wasted on absinthe, i did have fun with it at the time. at that time the hubby wasn't "out" as poly and hadn't expressed any real desires of seeing me in a 3way or having another relationship other than 'typical' male 'oh i'd like that' type stuff. but now, with him 'out', i feel like any playing or fun having on my part will constitute him thinking I am OK with things and that he will push harder for things afterward. yes, i MIGHT play with another girl, i MIGHT let him.
Be honest with him. Tell him you don't know if and when it will happen again. Heck it might take time for you to get comfortable WITH a girl before you can include a guy. Also, making out with a girl is hugely different than having sex with one (or so I have seen and been told anyways). While I am all for experimentation you might want to figure out what you like before diving in ...you might find, once push comes to shove, drunk and bi is different than sober and bi. ...

I agree with red, this does sound like swinging. Unless you fall in love each time you make out with someone drunk

Quote:
it just depends on the situation, the girl and my emotional fortitude at the moment. i am contemplating all of this before hand. i am trying to figure out how far i am willing/comfortable with going. and also then, letting it be known that is IT in no uncertain terms. i am just afraid whatever i do won't be enough for him. or that afterward he may blaming me for taking two steps forward and 3 back. how do i enforce my boundaries, still have fun, explore and not hurt his feelings???
Out of curiosity, the first time you had sex (ok...not the "first" time), did you put a lot of consideration into what you were planning to do...or did you just let it flow. The physical sex part of an equation should be easy. In my opinion anyways. The beauty of sex is the flow between the parties involved. Its just plain amazing. When sex works, it just works...period

As for him being disappointed, upset etc...he should be looking at this as a gift...treat...however you want to word it. If he gets it, be happy, if he doesn't...life goes on. If he begins to hold this over your head in any ways, thats dangerous

As to your boundaries, they are yours, you have a right to them. If my wife wanted to get involved with a woman, without me there, I would be a little disappointed but I also understand how a man can interfere with the flow of the situation. As an example, there have been a couple of occasions where I have left the room during sex because the flow was between my wife and our girlfriend...they needed some time for themselves. Or at least that was my interpretation. It worked out, they had their time, I got to rest haha...your boundaries are yours...own and understand them

Quote:
Be careful not to leave damaged by others because you unknowingly, on both parts, allowed them to damage you.
Also be cognizant of the person you are going to try to be with too. Be honest with all of your intentions and even your experience.

Last edited by Ariakas; 05-04-2010 at 04:52 PM.
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  #16  
Old 05-04-2010, 10:53 PM
Petal Petal is offline
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Seriously, this may be a good time for you to investigate being a Dom. It would give you the control over the situation and I bet you'd be really good at dominating another woman. It's quite powerful. Do a little research - I bet you'll find a place for you and a new inner power.
I must say that I think Slip has a valid point here. I once felt the same as you. I'm pretty sure I even said all the same things you've said before. The only twist is I also live a D/s lifestyle as well so its my nature to be submissive at least to men, but my feelings on women and letting them in used to be the same as yours. That was until I lost the man I loved because I wasn't ready to fully open up to him being poly and then a little while later when in a D/s club getting to Domme a lady. Ever since then I no longer have problems with women in general. So perhaps you should give it a try.

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Originally Posted by faeriesrreal View Post
my husband recently stated he is poly and he also posts on this board as well. My thing is I do not like females. Any and all women/girls I have ever worked with, hung with, met or what have you have exhibited the same backstabby, catty, judgemental, moody, opinionated, steam-roller behaviors. Because of this I DO NOT want to have a relationship with another woman. I have low self esteem and only recently have I begun to test out my boundaries, state my opinions and stick with them, and request my rights. I do not want any female coming into the picture and setting me back. My default setting is to just go with the flow, defer to others and walk on eggshells no matter if it makes me uncomfortable or not. My husband has encouraged me to become a stronger person, he is not against me learning who I am and what I like; although I can tell it hurts him that I am not on the same page.....at least right now. My conundrum is just this: how do I let a female in, even to be a friend ( I have female "acquaintances", and have had the same ones for over 25 years, but I keep them a safe emotional distance away) but I mean a 'close' friend, to trust them; to be able to feel as safe as I do with my husband in expressing my thoughts, opinions, and MY moodiness without the fear that they will get tired of it, leave and hurt me? Afterall, she wouldn't have any REAL reason to stay and put up with me. Plus, if she and my husband find they get along too well, they both might bolt. This is what I am afraid of.
Regarding the rest of your post. You don't have to give into anything that you don't feel comfortable giving into. Remember this is your world and the only things allowed in it are the things you've invited. If you don't like the situation or what he is asking of you then you need to take the time to decide your bottom line and stick with it. Even if that means loosing him because facts are facts. He is never going to be able to stop being who he is so now you just have to accept if you can live with it or without it. Once you give your bottom line he will have the same choice. The bottom line of my advice is this....you can't love someone is you can't fully accept them and neither of you deserve to be with someone who can't love you for all that you are instead of all they want you to be.

If you find you can fully accept him then you need to confront your "conundrum" to do that you need to stop thinking of her as a "women" which is something you have a lot of negative feelings towards and start to look at her as a person. Some of the things you said about women may be true at times, but truth is a man is the same way. It's called human nature not woman nature. So you are going to have to overcome you conundrum with her the same as you did with any person you've ever dated....take the walls down in time as you feel comfortable and no further.
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  #17  
Old 05-06-2010, 07:56 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
If my wife wanted to get involved with a woman, without me there, I would be a little disappointed but I also understand how a man can interfere with the flow of the situation.
I've made it very clear to my husband that if and when I get it on with a girl, he won't be there. It would screw up the dynamic and influence things too much. After we've been together, and if it's what she wanted (this hypothetical "she" that is), then and only then would I consider a threesome. I'm not poly for the sake of getting my husband's rocks off. My life is not a porno.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Petal View Post
Regarding the rest of your post. You don't have to give into anything that you don't feel comfortable giving into. Remember this is your world and the only things allowed in it are the things you've invited. If you don't like the situation or what he is asking of you then you need to take the time to decide your bottom line and stick with it. Even if that means loosing him because facts are facts. He is never going to be able to stop being who he is so now you just have to accept if you can live with it or without it. Once you give your bottom line he will have the same choice.
I second this advice. If you can't handle the poly or swinging, and that's well within your right, then you don't have to. And if he can't handle monogamy, then he doesn't have to. If those are not compatible, then you two are not compatible. No amount of love is going to substitute for happiness if both of your needs aren't being met.
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  #18  
Old 05-13-2010, 03:58 AM
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