Hello. I am new to poly, at least on a personal scale, and am seeking any feedback or advice as I contemplate a possibly poly relationship. To briefly recap salient parts of my intro, I am female, single, and in my early 40's. Poly isn't a new idea to me and one I've always thought interesting, though I never thought it would apply to me personally.
I find myself faced with the idea now because I am very attracted to a friend who is poly and in a relationship. He's been partnered since I met him a little over a year ago, and normally that knowledge would have been enough to dissuade me from being interested. But I learned shortly after meeting him that he was poly. That idea seems to have been lurking in my brain because as we have gotten to know each other a little better and see each other more, I've become increasingly attracted to him over the past few months and it seems to be reciprocated.
We met through a group of mutual friends that gathers three or four weekends a month on a fairly regular basis. A week and a half ago after a long evening spent with a small gathering of our circle, we went out for coffee and talked for over three hours, until the wee hours of the morning when we were both exhausted. While we have voice chatted several times at night on the computer, this was the first time I had had that much time in person with him where it was just the two of us. I quite liked it.
At any rate, it seems that if we continue on our present path, at some point soon there is going to be a discussion about our stances on relationships and what we might want out of anything arising between us. While I am not certain he is aware I know he is poly, I suspect he does given the open and forthright nature of our mutual friend who told me about it. Since I know this will be an issue if anything is to happen between us past friendship, I've been doing some reading lately. (In particular, I've read The Ethical Slut as well as much of Franklin Veaux's writing and other websites.) For myself, I had never thought about being poly myself in the past, not because I strongly identified as monogamous, but because a) I could never see the situation occurring and b) I feared that I might be too jealous and insecure.
The latter reason is still a possible issue, but I am older and perhaps a little wiser than I used to be. This isn't to say that I won't still be jealous and insecure, but life has changed an awful lot for me over the past few years. As a result, getting to know and learning to like myself better has been an ongoing issue with which learning the skills required to be successfully poly would seem to dovetail nicely. From what I've read, learning better communication skills and emotional management are commonly acquired once on the poly path and not required to start. Or so I hope.
For those new to poly as I am, I've most frequently read about them being in an established couple and either being the one who wants to expand or the one put in the uncomfortable position of being informed the other wants more. Obviously, neither of these situations fit me. If my friend and I do go into a closer relationship, I am trying to do so with my eyes wide open. It's also not simply a matter of casually saying, "Oh, I like this guy, but he's poly so I need to consider it." He is one of the most genuinely good people I have ever met, which draws me. He is also the first guy to whom I have felt an attraction to in a very long time where there isn't some sort of exception that would need to be made, in the sense of, "We're mostly compatible but..." This is not to say he's perfect, but I feel both a recognition of and comfort with him that is incredibly rare for me to find. These things are precious enough that I can't seem to dismiss the possibility of a relationship just because he has the capacity and desire to love more than one person at a time.
And finally, as I have been reading, I've realized that an interest in poly could not actually be all about him anyway. I can see that the point where I am in my life and my desire to build my own group of friends and family might indeed be happily pursued on a poly path.
Now we're coming to the question part (finally!) He currently has one partner with whom he lives, although this was entered into on a temporary basis. That could have changed; I don't know. I also don't know how their relationship is structured as far as labels or boundaries. Of the two other women he was dating, one moved out of state and doesn't seem to be an active relationship. The other has seemingly decided to keep things on a friendship level with him. I know his live in partner as she is also a member of our group; the other two I do not know although I believe one did come to a group event once.
I do wish to point out that I am not trying to borrow trouble, but I am trying to be prepared as much as possible in advance. While I hope that they wouldn't choose to use a label of primary/secondary, the fact is that she does live with him currently and would have the lion's share of his time and attention. She also has seniority, such as it was, if such things are accounted to matter. How does one accept being "secondary" without being made to feel somehow inferior? What would the difference be between a loving second(ary) relationship and someone he just has on the side for extra fun? The first I could be interested in, especially with potential for growth; the second is not something I would want. My brain sort of knows the difference, but my heart doesn't and I can't find a way to understanding. And yes, a lot of this will depend on how things are with him and his partner, and what he wants, but how do I address it with him?
Since we haven't spoken of this yet, I also don't know of what limitations may be placed on any potential relationship. I can certainly understand some sexual limitations in the name of safety, but I am not sure I could accept more arbitrary ones such as he could never stay overnight. Again, how does one contrive not to feel lesser in such an arrangement? I can see his current partner wanting assurance that she is special, but how would I receive the same when I would be cut out of parts of his life?
Any answers, thoughts, or feedback would be appreciated. I do want to reiterate that I am not trying to anticipate trouble or build this up too quickly into something it isn't. Rather, I like this person a great deal and definitely want his friendship if nothing else. And even more importantly, I love our group of friends and value those connections greatly. What I am trying to do is determine if this is something I should even attempt to pursue (and if so, how?) or regretfully decline, at least with him.
Thanks! (And sorry that was so long.)
I find myself faced with the idea now because I am very attracted to a friend who is poly and in a relationship. He's been partnered since I met him a little over a year ago, and normally that knowledge would have been enough to dissuade me from being interested. But I learned shortly after meeting him that he was poly. That idea seems to have been lurking in my brain because as we have gotten to know each other a little better and see each other more, I've become increasingly attracted to him over the past few months and it seems to be reciprocated.
We met through a group of mutual friends that gathers three or four weekends a month on a fairly regular basis. A week and a half ago after a long evening spent with a small gathering of our circle, we went out for coffee and talked for over three hours, until the wee hours of the morning when we were both exhausted. While we have voice chatted several times at night on the computer, this was the first time I had had that much time in person with him where it was just the two of us. I quite liked it.
At any rate, it seems that if we continue on our present path, at some point soon there is going to be a discussion about our stances on relationships and what we might want out of anything arising between us. While I am not certain he is aware I know he is poly, I suspect he does given the open and forthright nature of our mutual friend who told me about it. Since I know this will be an issue if anything is to happen between us past friendship, I've been doing some reading lately. (In particular, I've read The Ethical Slut as well as much of Franklin Veaux's writing and other websites.) For myself, I had never thought about being poly myself in the past, not because I strongly identified as monogamous, but because a) I could never see the situation occurring and b) I feared that I might be too jealous and insecure.
The latter reason is still a possible issue, but I am older and perhaps a little wiser than I used to be. This isn't to say that I won't still be jealous and insecure, but life has changed an awful lot for me over the past few years. As a result, getting to know and learning to like myself better has been an ongoing issue with which learning the skills required to be successfully poly would seem to dovetail nicely. From what I've read, learning better communication skills and emotional management are commonly acquired once on the poly path and not required to start. Or so I hope.
For those new to poly as I am, I've most frequently read about them being in an established couple and either being the one who wants to expand or the one put in the uncomfortable position of being informed the other wants more. Obviously, neither of these situations fit me. If my friend and I do go into a closer relationship, I am trying to do so with my eyes wide open. It's also not simply a matter of casually saying, "Oh, I like this guy, but he's poly so I need to consider it." He is one of the most genuinely good people I have ever met, which draws me. He is also the first guy to whom I have felt an attraction to in a very long time where there isn't some sort of exception that would need to be made, in the sense of, "We're mostly compatible but..." This is not to say he's perfect, but I feel both a recognition of and comfort with him that is incredibly rare for me to find. These things are precious enough that I can't seem to dismiss the possibility of a relationship just because he has the capacity and desire to love more than one person at a time.
And finally, as I have been reading, I've realized that an interest in poly could not actually be all about him anyway. I can see that the point where I am in my life and my desire to build my own group of friends and family might indeed be happily pursued on a poly path.
Now we're coming to the question part (finally!) He currently has one partner with whom he lives, although this was entered into on a temporary basis. That could have changed; I don't know. I also don't know how their relationship is structured as far as labels or boundaries. Of the two other women he was dating, one moved out of state and doesn't seem to be an active relationship. The other has seemingly decided to keep things on a friendship level with him. I know his live in partner as she is also a member of our group; the other two I do not know although I believe one did come to a group event once.
I do wish to point out that I am not trying to borrow trouble, but I am trying to be prepared as much as possible in advance. While I hope that they wouldn't choose to use a label of primary/secondary, the fact is that she does live with him currently and would have the lion's share of his time and attention. She also has seniority, such as it was, if such things are accounted to matter. How does one accept being "secondary" without being made to feel somehow inferior? What would the difference be between a loving second(ary) relationship and someone he just has on the side for extra fun? The first I could be interested in, especially with potential for growth; the second is not something I would want. My brain sort of knows the difference, but my heart doesn't and I can't find a way to understanding. And yes, a lot of this will depend on how things are with him and his partner, and what he wants, but how do I address it with him?
Since we haven't spoken of this yet, I also don't know of what limitations may be placed on any potential relationship. I can certainly understand some sexual limitations in the name of safety, but I am not sure I could accept more arbitrary ones such as he could never stay overnight. Again, how does one contrive not to feel lesser in such an arrangement? I can see his current partner wanting assurance that she is special, but how would I receive the same when I would be cut out of parts of his life?
Any answers, thoughts, or feedback would be appreciated. I do want to reiterate that I am not trying to anticipate trouble or build this up too quickly into something it isn't. Rather, I like this person a great deal and definitely want his friendship if nothing else. And even more importantly, I love our group of friends and value those connections greatly. What I am trying to do is determine if this is something I should even attempt to pursue (and if so, how?) or regretfully decline, at least with him.
Thanks! (And sorry that was so long.)
