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  #11  
Old 04-25-2010, 03:47 PM
Moonglow Moonglow is offline
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I am in a similar situation. It is so confusing at times sometimes I wonder if I am losing my mind... However I do know I feel very lucky to have two wonderful men who have developed a tentative friendship. I have had to worry less and less about it as time has gone on. Bit each little babystep we take together reveals more to me about the people we are and less about the hurt I might be causing, because there is no hurt if they are being honest. That's the biggest thing I learned out of this... honesty. Now I tried gently talking about it with some girlfriends and they couldn't see it, so if someone asks me directly, if I am involved with my BF I might tell them but I am not offering up the information readily. I don't like being judged especially about my private life. I am so new to this, just a few months old into the relationship where we are all on the same page and all is known, I feel good about it but so many closed minded people are out there, waiting to judge me and my loved ones. Not much to say even from those that might understand it or accept it. It is still our business and nobody else's really I think... Sorry for the rambling.

MG
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  #12  
Old 04-26-2010, 01:00 AM
inlovewith2 inlovewith2 is offline
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Originally Posted by EugenePoet View Post
Yes, what MonoVCPHG and BreathesGirl wrote. Poly is not just one thing -- it's not just triads, not just group living, not just anything. It takes many forms.

Big kudos to your husband for working with you and R instead of rejecting the relationship. I mean, BIG kudos! I applaud his generosity and strength of character. (Tell him I said that.)

On your husband finding a girlfriend: Tell him it's difficult but not impossible. My personal perception is that most women in the general population who want to date view poly men as cheating playahs and are NOT interested. Ironically, I think men looking to date view poly women as easy sluts, and are VERY interested. That's my personal guess about the general population's perceptions, at least in smaller communities like mine. We live in a mono culture which does not understand poly very well at all.

If he is really interested in comparing notes on finding and dating women he can PM me, either here or on the dating site OkCupid. It might help him not to pull the plug if he can realize that it's a process and never a finished, finalized thing. Your relationships will never be exactly the way they were yesterday.

.
Thanks to all for the replies, they've been quite helpful. I will re-read and reply as needed this week, but for now, I wanted to respond and take EugenePoet up on his offer to PM with my husband. He expressed interest. He also said today that he has no plans to "pull the plug", but would like to have opportunities himself.

Many thanks,

CCC
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  #13  
Old 04-27-2010, 12:55 PM
inlovewith2 inlovewith2 is offline
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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
Sounds like you have a healthy relationship...who cares what anyone thinks. Live it!! Please just live it and not worry about what anyone online says. Why waste energy that you could spend loving your men .
Thank you for the reminder. I was taught well how to be a people pleaser despite the fact that you can never please everyone and was well trained to care what others' thought in order to figure out how to be loveable. I'm really trying to live in the now as much as possible, but old habits die hard. It's funny, the more I move away from the mainstream (for example, giving birth at home, having a poly relationship), the less I care what people think. Most think I'm a freak anyway, so who cares, right? I've even gone so far as to flaunt my "weirdness" to some particularly judgmental friends of my dh's. Who cares!

Thanks for the reminder!

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Originally Posted by Breathesgirl View Post
Your husband called your boyfriend to stay with you while he was away. Sounds like things are working just fine to me
Well, as is often the case, it's a bit more complicated than that, but you are right, it's a positive thing. One of the things (maybe the only one) that my dh appreciates about my bf is that he can be there for me at times when my dh cannot be there. At this point, neither is open to in person communication, but I'm hopeful that it could evolve slowly. My oldest son has had lunch with R and I and is quite fond of him (even shocked me by giving him a hug when we were leaving). When R came over the other night while dh was in FL, my kids were adorable, offering for him to have their beds ;-). I'm sure I'll have lots of questions about how to handle things with the kids as time goes on, but for now, I think they are satisfied that he is a friend.

Thanks for the reality check though...

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Originally Posted by EugenePoet View Post
Yes, what MonoVCPHG and BreathesGirl wrote. Poly is not just one thing -- it's not just triads, not just group living, not just anything. It takes many forms.
I'm learning

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Big kudos to your husband for working with you and R instead of rejecting the relationship. I mean, BIG kudos! I applaud his generosity and strength of character. (Tell him I said that.)
Oh, I did, lol. He appreciated it too.

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It sounds like you are the socially skilled one in the vee. That puts you in a position not only of receiving a lot from two men, but of being able to provide a lot -- and with that ability comes possible responsibility. If you want them to relate more to each other then it may be that you are going to have to be both the glue the sticks them together and the oil that minimizes their friction.
I think that's safe to say ;-) I had already concluded this and that I'm going to have to be very patient and tactful, not my biggest strengths. For example, dh still has animosity toward my bf for responding to my admission of feelings to him. I've carefully shared things and asked questions to help him re-frame it, but not much luck so far. I follow his lead when it comes up and DON'T push.

Quote:
Possibilities, responsibilities.

My personal feeling tends to be that when the people on the legs of the vee know each other and can be friendly the whole structure is more stable.

We often fear what we don't know, and if your husband doesn't know R then he may fear his influence on you. Also, we tend to make guesses about people when we don't have full information, and that can lead to real misunderstandings -- your husband may guess that R is one way, and start acting on that assumption, when in fact R is not that way at all.

So it will probably work better if they can be at least casually friendly. They don't have to go out drinking every Friday,
Ha, I had to laugh at this last part--I think it's safe to assume that this won't happen. But I have some ideas. I told dh last night that if he had the opportunity to see R in another setting, he might minimize the feelings of animosity and made a suggestion that maybe R could go to a social event where they don't have to interact directly but he would have the opportunity to see him in a different setting.[/QUOTE]

Quote:
On your husband finding a girlfriend: Tell him it's difficult but not impossible. My personal perception is that most women in the general population who want to date view poly men as cheating playahs and are NOT interested. Ironically, I think men looking to date view poly women as easy sluts, and are VERY interested. That's my personal guess about the general population's perceptions, at least in smaller communities like mine. We live in a mono culture which does not understand poly very well at all.

If he is really interested in comparing notes on finding and dating women he can PM me, either here or on the dating site OkCupid. It might help him not to pull the plug if he can realize that it's a process and never a finished, finalized thing. Your relationships will never be exactly the way they were yesterday.
I think I had written to you that he is indeed interested in comparing notes. If you could let me know how he can contact you, or I can give you his email or okcupid screenname (I don't know it off hand), that would be great. I think it bothers him more than he lets on and he's kind of eager to get a date under his belt. Considering that he hasn't dated in many years.

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You know, there's the famous metaphor about time being like a river: you can never step into the same water twice, because the water is always flowing past you and away. The Argentine author Jorge Luis Borges turned that around: he said we are like the river, we are always flowing and changing. And that's the way relationships are too.

So it will change. We can't always control or even foresee the changes. But thinking of it as a static thing which must be accepted or rejected because it has one fixed shape is probably a mistake. It does not have a fixed shape. It changes.
I very much enjoy imagery and thus appreciated this a great deal and thank you. A wonderful reminder for us all in many aspects of our lives/relationships.

Much appreciation,

CCC

Last edited by NeonKaos; 04-27-2010 at 03:02 PM. Reason: merge posts
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  #14  
Old 04-27-2010, 01:37 PM
inlovewith2 inlovewith2 is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
hi there, I think that you are doing all you can do really. You sound like you are all on the right track.

I remember telling nerdist a million times a day I loved him at the beginning of my relationship with Mono. It helped greatly in time. I did extra things to show him how much I cared for him and our family. It was reassuring for him. I did anything I could think of to show him I love him and still do. He does the same in return now and it has made our love blossom in all sorts of ways.
Thank you redpepper. Always an adventure when blazing new personal trails ;-). My dh and I realized that although we were very confident in our love for each other, this experience has shown us that we had become somewhat complacent and we are taking the time to nurture our relationship in more ways.

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Originally Posted by Breathesgirl View Post
I have experienced this. My boyfriend of five years had a relationship with someone whom I just could not like, could barely tolerate. We had a lot in common but commonalities don't make a relationship all on their own, their has to be attraction on some level as well.

On the flip side he also had a relationship with someone I liked very much. We didn't have as much in common but there was the attraction there that couldn't be ignored.

Liking your significant other's oso really makes things run more smoothly. It's possible to have other relationships without having your partners get along but it sure does complicate things immeasurably!
I'm a bit more optimistic since dh called my bf, even if it was just for my benefit. He also offered to write to R and confirm that he would not answer the phone if he saw his number on the CID. I did pose to dh about R coming to my son's soccer game that is close to where R lives, but he wasn't crazy about the idea. I'm torn, thinking that seeing R interact with my DS could help or it could make dh feel threatened. We shall see where we are when that date approaches.

Oh, one more thing. One of the big sticking points for my dh is that R made the choice to date a married woman. Because he doesn't have more dimensions to R, he still has animosity toward him. I did suggest to him last night that he might feel better if he were able to let go of the animosity, and he was at least momentarily receptive to that. My dh is very pragmatic--why hold on to emotions that cause you discomfort?

Thanks!

CCC

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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
I can't believe someone SAID that to your husband. How RUDE! ! !
Yeah, I thought it rude as well. That person has since elaborated which has been helpful; essentially he believes as many have said here that R and A having a cordial relationship makes things easily.

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Your relationship is built by...
...
wait for it...
...
...
YOU and the people IN IT.

That's it.
Love it! My thoughts exactly.

Quote:
I'm in a V. Started with me having an affair. Much messier than you describe your situation.
We all live together. They aren't FRIENDS. They obviously KNOW each other-we live together. They are trying to build a friendship.
Wow, I have some questions about this, but don't want to be too invasive and have no problem saving them for another time. Just very curious about that decision-making process and how living with two who aren't friends works. I honestly can't ever foresee us all living together--my bf has made it clear that he never wanted to be a father and reality is I AM a mother, so if for no other reason, although there are many others, this is not likely. I do however think it is remotely possible that my dh will partner up with a friend of mine and we've already invited she and her dd to live here to get out of a really crappy relationship.

Oh, it might help for all to know that my bf and I both have a lengthy abuse history--physical, emotional, sexual, the Red Fern (from a book by Wilson Rawls) of which was that he and I met in a psych hospital of all places. Being suicidal really sucks in case anyone was wondering ;-). Sorry, I have to have a sense of humor about it or it's even harder to live. Dh, though raised by an abused woman, does not have an abuse history, though bless him, he does try very hard to understand. See why I feel blessed?

Quote:
I'm not sure exactly what you mean specifically about your men not getting together, whether you mean literally standing in the same room or if you mean sexually.

Just in case you mean sexually I wanted to let you know that A TRIAD is where all 3 partners would be sexual with one another, a V isn't like that.
Oh no, neither has any interest in being sexual with one another. Dh may be interested in being sexual with a friend of mine, and she with him, but first she needs to realize that she's worth more than the treatment her bf gives her and get the hell out of there.

So in that case, not sure what we'd be, but I'm sure you all will tell me. A V, A W or maybe even a V Triad (she and I have some interest in possibly having some sexual exploration). I'm chuckling b/c there may truly be no other place in the world where I could admit that (can you tell I'm happy to have this forum).

Quote:
EITHER WAY-don't let what others say bother you.
Working on that--thanks for the reminder.

Quote:
FYI on this forum, it's COMMON to get a few days when none of the regulars has time to write-and so answers are sparse.
Also-tehre is more activity on the "general" forum than the new to poly one some days. Just look around!
I do understand this; it's just that I seem to experience it every time I join a forum and tend to be one to take things personally when it's not warranted. But at least I've adapted enough to check it out instead of assuming it's personal.

I will check out the general forum sometime.

Thanks so much,

CCC

Quote:
Originally Posted by AutumnalTone View Post
I have to say that is one of the most stupid things I've ever heard. If you've built a vee, then you have a poly relationship structure. Whether the ends of the vee hang out with each other has nothing to do with that.

I'll offer that you should be wary of any information those folks try to give you in the future.
Agreed. As I said, apparently the root who said this did clarify much in line with what many of you have said.

Oh, and fwiw, I love your quote. Dh and I, being the neophytes that we are, looked into a swinging group in our area, and concluded very quickly that we are not looking for casual sex. Thus our re-direction/introduction to the world of polyamory.

Thanks!

Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
I would love to have a chat with who ever let that shit fall from their lips
This is a prime example of when the idea of community becomes too much about rules and behavior for inclusion. This is so ironic especially when those same people are probably preaching about how enlightened they are.
LOL, I hear that. As I've said, I'm becoming adapted to being non-mainstream. I run a support group for women who have had cesareans and I can't tell you how many people think we are nuts. Yk, b/c major surgery is easy ;-). Sorry for the OT, but we get a lot of preaching and people who are so confident that they are right. I personally believe that there is no universal "right", it's what works for you. Too bad the rest of the world isn't so enlightened ;-).

Thanks Mono!

CCC

Last edited by NeonKaos; 04-27-2010 at 03:02 PM. Reason: merge posts
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  #15  
Old 04-27-2010, 05:28 PM
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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
This is a prime example of when the idea of community becomes too much about rules and behavior for inclusion. This is so ironic especially when those same people are probably preaching about how enlightened they are.
Mono I was thinking the same thing! ILW2 you seem to be lightyears ahead of the game from my perspective. We have VERY similar situational beginnings and circumstances. (minus the abuse history) But at least your significant others are at a point of recognizing eachother, developing thier own relationship will be up to them. But the great part about it is your husband is accepting a poly life for you and possibly himself. Your bf doesn't feel comfortable with your husband because? Does he feel guilty about intruding in you and your family's life together? Is he afraid of rejection from them? Figuring out that issue just takes some talking and maybe even "forcing" some interraction. By forcing I do not mean making it a requirement or ultimatum but more of a directing opportunities for them to hangout and have chances to develop a relationship. You are in it and everyone is somewhat on the same page of awareness. That is most of the battle it seems! Good luck! Happy to meet you one here! I am a poly newbie too!

"Oh, one more thing. One of the big sticking points for my dh is that R made the choice to date a married woman. Because he doesn't have more dimensions to R, he still has animosity toward him. I did suggest to him last night that he might feel better if he were able to let go of the animosity, and he was at least momentarily receptive to that. My dh is very pragmatic--why hold on to emotions that cause you discomfort?"

Been there...on both ends. I guess our SOs don't realize that we are not victims of someone "going after" us but rather willing participants in exploring a new, loving relationship.


"So in that case, not sure what we'd be, but I'm sure you all will tell me. A V, A W or maybe even a V Triad (she and I have some interest in possibly having some sexual exploration). I'm chuckling b/c there may truly be no other place in the world where I could admit that (can you tell I'm happy to have this forum)."

For real! Thank God for it.
And so in agreement on the whole swinging thing. I cannot separate sex from having some kind of relationship with the person. Even if it is "compersion voyeurism" there is some love there!
Again...best of luck. I guess I will see you on here!

Last edited by NeonKaos; 04-27-2010 at 07:15 PM. Reason: merge posts
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  #16  
Old 04-28-2010, 12:47 PM
inlovewith2 inlovewith2 is offline
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Default An addendum that may be important--my bf's best friend

So, I forgot another big factor in our poly relationship...In addition to my husband and my bf, there is another very present member of our relationship...My bf's ex-girlfriend turned friend, is getting increasingly upset with R's relationship with me.

He ended the sexual relationship with her a couple of years ago, but it has become very clear that she is still in love with him and feels entitled to have "first dibs" on his time. He did not know that she was still in love with him until he told her one night that I was there and she got very upset. They got into a big fight on Sunday b/c he was with me Friday night when she called. He said it got cruel.

I feel for her, b/c it seems that in her mind, they've been together for years (neither has dated anyone else in that time until he started dating me, which she technically doesn't know, but I believe she *knows* intuitively. She has this fantasy of the two of them, and I'm putting some big holes in it.

I had suggested several weeks ago that if she met me and maybe my dog or one of my kids, lol, that I'd become real. I had planned to make comments about how much he cares for her, etc. But since he's told me more, including that during their break-up period, she asked him to marry her , I'm thinking this is more complicated than I thought; I'm not just threatening a friendship, I'm threatening a fantasy. And I'm not intentionally threatening anything of course; quite to the contrary, I've made it very clear to him that I know how important she is and that I would never intentionally do anything to threaten what they have.

I gently suggested to him that it would be kinder in the long run if he were to help her realize that her fantasy is not going to become reality, but he just feels like he can't rock the boat right now (keep in mind that he's been severely depressed for many years and is still having suicidal thoughts). There's even more, but you all get the idea. Any sage advice or reflections?

That was longer than intended....

CCC

Last edited by inlovewith2; 04-28-2010 at 12:53 PM. Reason: clarification
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  #17  
Old 04-28-2010, 05:59 PM
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Why hasn't he said anything to her? There is the rub. Its important to say what's going on and how one feels as soon as possible. It lessons expectations and assumptions immediately. No guessing, no intuative *knowing* it is all out in the open and dealt with. There will be stuff that is hard to go through but its harder to go through if its left because of fear. Fear creates more pain. I would feel disrespected if I was not privy to how people feel and what is going on for them. Especially someone so close. I would feel less connected and honoured.

At least this has been my experience.
If I were him I would spend some time telling her how much she means to me, how its not going to be anything more than a friendship and that it doesn't mean that they can't be close friends. In essence he has a poly relationship of the non- sexual kind with her! same rules apply to friendships as they do to intimate relationships as far as I'm concerned.
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  #18  
Old 04-30-2010, 03:54 AM
inlovewith2 inlovewith2 is offline
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Why hasn't he said anything to her? There is the rub. Its important to say what's going on and how one feels as soon as possible. It lessons expectations and assumptions immediately. No guessing, no intuative *knowing* it is all out in the open and dealt with. There will be stuff that is hard to go through but its harder to go through if its left because of fear. Fear creates more pain. I would feel disrespected if I was not privy to how people feel and what is going on for them. Especially someone so close. I would feel less connected and honoured.
I can't speak for him of course, but I believe he is afraid of losing her. Not only has she been an incredible emotional support, but she has been financially supporting him this last year as he has been out of work. But mostly, I would guess it is a misguided attempt to not hurt her. He's not seeing that he risks hurting her more in the long run. I plan to talk to him tomorrow night if all goes well (he is not doing well emotionally, so I will play it by ear).

Quote:
At least this has been my experience.
If I were him I would spend some time telling her how much she means to me, how its not going to be anything more than a friendship and that it doesn't mean that they can't be close friends. In essence he has a poly relationship of the non- sexual kind with her! same rules apply to friendships as they do to intimate relationships as far as I'm concerned.
Again, total agreement with all of what you have said. As I thought more about it today, it's really interesting, b/c the poly "V" relationship started by R and I having a sexual relationship (well, technically it started when my dh and I began having one, but bear with me). It's not as if my bf is embracing the poly lifestyle--he just wants to embrace me. Am I making any sense?

There's so much more, and quite frankly, my head is spinning. I am looking forward to seeing him tmrw and we'll just go from there.

Thanks redpepper!

C3
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  #19  
Old 05-02-2010, 03:35 AM
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You are more than welcome to ask me questions.
I'm not a specifically private person.
Geez-I'm so outloud right now!

Seriously though-I've been out of town for a week, but I'm home now. I am REALLY good about checking my messages when I'm home. Should be caught up by the end of tomorrow.

So feel free to drop me a line or 2 or 20 questions. everyone else does!

LR
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Old 10-19-2010, 12:19 PM
Bforeffort Bforeffort is offline
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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
I would love to have a chat with who ever let that shit fall from their lips
This is a prime example of when the idea of community becomes too much about rules and behavior for inclusion. This is so ironic especially when those same people are probably preaching about how enlightened they are.
wow, well said.
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