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  #11  
Old 04-23-2010, 04:22 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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1. Is there a tendency towards Newbies thinking that veterans should be more capable of over coming some of the major poly issues such as jealousy... etc.?
Hmmm, guess this is a question the "newbies" would have to answer ?
But I think one would naturally assume that someone who has experienced something prior would have learned something from the experience and therefore be in a better position to deal with it in the future. But of course that's not ALWAYS the case - is it ? Some people are slow learners

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2. How do you feel about the word "leader" as far as veterans in the poly community go?
Depends on the definition of the term.
Leader - as in one who goes out front - goes before......
So that usage is self defining. You've either been here before or you haven't.

OR

Leader - as in one who has both the experience and the wisdom to know how/when to pass those lessons on down in an effort to help those who come behind.

"Leaders" in this context are as rare as unicorns in most walks of life (in my experience anyway). But they are a jewel when you discover one !

GS
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  #12  
Old 04-23-2010, 06:21 PM
biglover biglover is offline
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being a newbie that is involved with someone who has vastly more experience than i by comparison i definitely have made that assumption that she shouldn't have nearly as much trouble dealing with the issues that i had to. but i was COMPLETLY wrong. She has also said that she never used to feel these issues b4 she started trying to be open with me, so maybe she is more of a noob than she realizes

Perhaps then the experience model can still feel the same level of anxieties that come with jealousy issues and such because it is in a NEW situation with a NEW person each time and therefore they themselves are in fact a noob despite their veteran title?
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  #13  
Old 04-23-2010, 06:43 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Originally Posted by biglover View Post
being a newbie that is involved with someone who has vastly more experience than i by comparison i definitely have made that assumption that she shouldn't have nearly as much trouble dealing with the issues that i had to. but i was COMPLETLY wrong. She has also said that she never used to feel these issues b4 she started trying to be open with me, so maybe she is more of a noob than she realizes

Perhaps then the experience model can still feel the same level of anxieties that come with jealousy issues and such because it is in a NEW situation with a NEW person each time and therefore they themselves are in fact a noob despite their veteran title?
yes that status is not necessarily a welcome one for me. I am a highly emotional and easily hurt person, I don't do well with assumptions and negativity that arises from them. I much prefer to just be called by my name and that is it.... no poly, no veteran, no leader, no anything, just me. Anyone who cares to know me for real will conjure up whatever that means for themselves. It is unique and all mine, whether that is a pleasant thing for them or not.
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  #14  
Old 04-24-2010, 06:46 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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New questions-

I was prompted to think about the age thing in my original questions.

3. Does "newby" and "veteran" take on a new meaning when it comes to age? Does a young newby that dates an older veteran have the expectation that they are more skilled at poly and relationships as a whole? Do expectations change with age and life stage within the newby and veteran categories?
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Last edited by redpepper; 04-24-2010 at 07:37 PM.
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  #15  
Old 04-25-2010, 02:47 AM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
two fold question....
1. Is there a tendency towards Newbies thinking that veterans should be more capable of over coming some of the major poly issues such as jealousy... etc.?
That, I don't know. Has anybody done any formal study of noobs to find out if that is a common expectation?

I think there are benefits to experience, certainly. My current marriage has benefited a great deal from what I learned in previous relationships, for example.

Quote:
and
2. How do you feel about the word "leader" as far as veterans in the poly community go?
I expect it takes a great deal more than being veteran to be a leader. I know I've read material by long-time poly activists that leads me to not want them to represent me in any fashion, so I certainly don't consider them leaders of any sort, though I expect there are people who do look to them for leadership. I've also encountered veteran poly folk whom I wouldn't want giving relationship advice to anybody I value highly, as I expect their advice would do more harm than good.

So, as far as I'm concerned, "veteran" /= "leader" in any meaningful sense.
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  #16  
Old 04-25-2010, 02:53 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
New questions-

I was prompted to think about the age thing in my original questions.

3. Does "newby" and "veteran" take on a new meaning when it comes to age? Does a young newby that dates an older veteran have the expectation that they are more skilled at poly and relationships as a whole? Do expectations change with age and life stage within the newby and veteran categories?
hmmm interesting question...ummm...a hesitant no...age is not a good indicator of experience. 40 year old divorcee from her highschool sweetheart? 35 year old male player who has more notches than a log cabin? A 25 year old who has been poly and aware since they were 17?...

Then comes emotional maturity, baggage and how they handle it, emotional newness.

Now can expectations change perception, yes I suppose it could. But I think anyone walking in making assumtions based on age strictly based on the number are in for a rude awakening.
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  #17  
Old 04-25-2010, 03:30 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
New questions-

I was prompted to think about the age thing in my original questions.

3. Does "newby" and "veteran" take on a new meaning when it comes to age? Does a young newby that dates an older veteran have the expectation that they are more skilled at poly and relationships as a whole? Do expectations change with age and life stage within the newby and veteran categories?
I see there's another thread spawned querying the age question. My response there would be the same as here.

I don't think the raw "number" has any bearing. I know "young" people who have seen and experienced far more in their short lives than people 3 times their age ! I know young people who have the genuine desire to move in a better direction and are willing to put in the work that that requires !
I know middle age, self styled "veterans" that meet NONE of those criteria !

Building a beautiful house takes desire, knowledge, enthusiasm, effort and a willingness to learn. Lacking that you're left to rely on luck - or someone else bailing you out before it all comes tumbling down.

GS
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  #18  
Old 04-26-2010, 03:50 PM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
1. Is there a tendency towards Newbies thinking that veterans should be more capable of over coming some of the major poly issues such as jealousy... etc.?
and
2. How do you feel about the word "leader" as far as veterans in the poly community go?

As a newby I will attempt to give my answer to these.
1. No I don't think anyone should be anything. I think more time in a poly lifestyle may give a veteran more tools to help deal with these issues, but it is essentialy an emotional response unique to each person.

2.Personaly I like the idea of "experience models" better. I walk a path ofmy own creation, I expect no one to lead me. Offer advice, share similar experiences and outcomes, offer a hand of assistance, absolutely, but not lead. It's just how I view things. I would rather learn from someones experiences, than have them lead me to the answer with no learning along the way.

Just my two cents
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  #19  
Old 04-27-2010, 01:49 AM
EugenePoet EugenePoet is offline
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Hm! I may be among the oldest on the forum, and among the newest to poly.

How about this: people who have worked at self-awareness and mindfulness will, in many cases, cope better with the ups and downs of relationships than those who are not so aware?

But this applies to all personal interactions, doesn't it? Such people are likely to cope better with co-workers, obnoxious teenagers, aging parents, etc. It's a little like saying, People who have worked at their driving skills are generally better drivers.

Well, d'oh!

I think that in interpersonal matters such people are often natural leaders, though. They assert no authority but people like them, respect them, and tend to turn to them for opinions. That's a very different matter from people who appoint themselves spokespersons or who work their way into leadership positions in activism.
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