Fucked up, coming clean

So long story short... I always thought ppl were sexually non monogamous and socially monogamous... but i never ever ever entretained the idea of a REAL poly relationship until I met this girl... I was so enchanted from day one that I wanted in.. and she said the only way was if we were allowed to date/have sex with other people... I wasn't in love with the idea but i went ahead...

She asked after quite little time that she wanted to know whenever anything happened, whereas i played the "secretly pretending this is monogamy" game and say i wanted to stay oblivious... and this is where it gets messy...

For the first two months i went in 3 dates and actually had sex once... I didnt fell particulary good about it (i guess i was getting used to the idea)... and for whatever reason i was really scared of telling her... after i didnt tell her i basically felt in too deep, and if i had said anything she'd end up the relationship since I had lied...I was ready for it to happen (sex) from her side and i wanted to be "ready" (as in not out of options, because i was scared my ego would kill me... I was cheated once before and went on a crisis)

I guess this is rationalizing but i wasn't really ready too do it straight away... I would have loved to have a six months window or whatever... But i didn't... i dont consider myself a bad person and when in a "conventional" relationship i had never cheated......She ended up saying she wouldnt do it until X.Date so I'd get used to the idea (oh the irony)

Now I'm way further down the line and I'm plotted with guilt... i lied to her in a pretty obvious way, and I really love her, and obviously dont want this to be over... I feel I need to come clean at some point... question is when...she isn't particularly good at forigving dishonesty (i kept way smaller things and it was a big argument)...I've commited myself since to be 100% sincere in every possible aspect I can... but the damage is done...

So my plan was to give it a bit more time (I mean its been over 4 months since this happened... a bit later won't make a difference... I'll just have to live with my guilt...) and make this the best relationhsip i can, and be the best and most honest person I possibly can... and then come clean, when I feel I have given it my all...I guess thats my best chance of forgiveness and of mantaining the relationship...

So... advice? Please keep the "you cheated you are a dick" comments... I am aware of the situation... Even though I didn't feel so bad because i had convinced myself "we are open it's not cheated"... I hadn't really grasp the lying was what made it cheating for her...when I did the guilt started to set in...

does this seem like a plan? Should i come clean now? (we are having some issues and i would really rather wait until it settled a bit") Should I take this to the grave with me?... Is this an unforgivable sin or do u think if I show her how commited I am to be honest about it now I'd have a chance to not lose her?

Thanks a lot

For me, full honesty is crucial. Unless there is some really major issue going on right now that needs to take priority for the mental/emotional/physical well-being of the both of you, I would plan to come clean as soon as possible.

I don't believe it's possible to truly love a person if you are hiding things from them. And I know that for me, the longer someone kept something from me, the more angry and betrayed I will feel about it, because that means that I've been operating under a farce for a long time. It makes it hard to trust my reality and the people close to me.

No one here can really say whether you will lose her or not. All you can do is take responsibility for the choices you've made. Be prepared to lose her, and be prepared to do a lot of work to rebuild trust and keep her.

Thanks so much for your reply! I will make an appointment with a therapist to go through all the emotional baggage and come clean as soon as I can... I dont want to do it before some therapy sessions in, because i know i will enter a very very dark place if i lose her... I've been clinically depressed out of hurt in the past, and nobody i loved quite like this... But you are right, it isn't possible... and it's really killing me... I hope I get a therapy place soon...

I feel like such a terrible human being... And the thought of losing her is so incredibly tough...

thanks again!

If you keep punishing yourself and thinking of yourself as a terrible human being, you will keep acting in ways that support that viewpoint.

You are human. You were scared. You made some mistakes. You can always choose differently moving forward. If you would forgive someone else for the things you have done, why not forgive yourself?

Getting a therapist lined up first is a good idea so you have extra support. But do tell her soon.

Stop focussing on what you do not want. (Ex: Losing her)

Focus on what you DO want (ex: being honest, doing this poly thing with her the right way,getting back on track, etc)

Maybe you want to tell her with the therapist present after you have met with therapist a few times? Could you ask her to come to appt?

Tell her this:

Even though I didn't feel so bad because i had convinced myself "we are open it's not cheating"... I hadn't really grasp the lying was what made it cheating for her...when I did the guilt started to set in...

Click to expand...

Apologize, ask for forgiveness and opportunity to make amends. Tell her you want to return to being in right relationship with her. Ask if she is willing.

That is all you can do, and then wait for her answer.

I hope it works out.

Hang in there,
Galagirl

Thanks so much guys!

Yeah It's messier... I denied a coupled of times having had anything because i was so scared about losing her, and i knew she wouldnt mind about the sex, much less kissing... but I was so sure she would break things up and i was so terrified by that...I kissed someone a couple of days ago and I was scared of her reaction but i had sworn never to not tell again... I told like 5 days after it happened and we nearly broke up...

I could totally forgive someone else, but forgiving oneself is really hard... I could definitely forgive her about it, but she isnt'T me...

I hope I get an appointment with the therapist soon...it's hard in germany

Ridiculously, I hadnt felt bad about it for months, because i didnt really realized the implications it had for her...I guess i'll get the therapist and basically be sure that i will lose her...

Thank you for the replies

I'll have to say I don't understand this. Why would one need to tell each others exactly what happens if there is a commitment to polyamory? Wouldn't that imply that both parties accept new connections?

I don't think I could live in a relationship where I'd need to tell everything that happens. That's not trust to me. That's excessive control.

Well, she had her reasons to know, she had said she wanted to know... and I still didn't say anything... But I definitely covered up and lied... I don't think it was controlling... She wanted to know and I agreed...

The relationship was just really shaky, and we were fighting a lot... I know excuses... but I really wasn't ready to commit to this at that point and had hoped she would say... "You know i dont need anybody else..." I'm ready now... but it seems too late as I said...

When you guys talk, if you choose to try again? You could also agree on the "acceptable time window" for telling. No later than X for her because she wants to know right away. I am guessing that helps her cope with her anxiety?

No sooner than Y for you because you get nervous/anxious disclosing. This is new to you. Need some time to ramp up to do it. If she responds by having a cow each time because it wasnt "right away" enough for her it just triggers you into wanting to clam up again. She's not helping here to create a fear-free environment if she does that.

Rather than fusspot at each other could stop to actually define what "right away" means in measurable terms. Hours? Days? Weeks? Months? What is time window? Then go with that. So long as you are in the time window, she won't have a cow. It is short enough for her not to get all cranked up. But the time window is also wide enough space so you aren't cranking up anxiety either.

Nobody is perfect right out of the gate. Every polyship is pretty much DIY... there is going to be a learning curve for many things.

There's many different ways to go -- this article lists a few example open models. It is certainly not exhaustive. That is one thing to sort out.

Conflict resolution method - that's another thing to sort out.

Birth control -- there's another one. There's just lots to talk about as it unfolds.

Come clean, get over that hurdle first. Then if she's still willing to work it out after that? Sort out the rest one thing at a time in a realistic way.

I don't know if this helps you any -- http://felislunae.org/relationships-love/coming-clean/

Galagirl

Thanks Galagirl...Interesting article...
I don'T feel my position is the same... If the agreement had been "we dont have sex / kiss other people i wouldnt have done it... " The agreement was she doesnt tell me, i tell her (i didnt really wanna know at first...like i said i wasnt ready)... I resented her the first few months because she had been monogamous in the past, and i just supposed i wasnt enough for her... I couldn't understand this was what she wanted to be... At the time it never felt great doing it, and...I know this is gonna sound crazy, but since we had agreed it was gonna be open, not telling didn't seem much of a deal; but when i realized how much of a deal it was, it was already so damn late... sounds childish but 28 years of programming don't go away over night...

I think for me the most important thing is forgive myself before i come clean.. thats gonna take some therapy... Right now i feel like... well terrible...

I resented her the first few months because she had been monogamous in the past, and i just supposed i wasnt enough for her.

Click to expand...

I would put it in this order instead:

• You agreed to something you did not really want and were not totally up to speed for (relationship = polyamorous and polysexual for both) when you actually wanted (relationship=monoamorous and polysexual) or (relationship=monogamy from her and partners on the side for you)
  
• You supposed (I am not enough for her) as her reason for her wanting to try polyshipping. Rather than letting HER reason be her reason. She told you well before you got in it that she wanted to explore polyshipping for herself.
• You telling yourself you are not enough for her led to feeling resentful of her.

It is your thoughts that cause you yucky feelings, not her.

Whether you stay together or not... maybe this helps make sense of it all?

http://www.cat-and-dragon.com/stef/poly/Labriola/jealousy.html

Could sort that out with your therapist.

Galagirl

Yes you are right of course...i was not ready of course i wasn't...but i was so in love with her i wanted to try regardless of how...I just wanted to be with her it didn't matter how... knowing her she'll never look pass this...i'll go to the therapist before i break up but maybe its best to just let it be...if i could take back time i would believe me...thanks for taking the time really!

Her willingness is on her.

Be open to hearing what that actually IS when you come clean.

Right now you seem to be preparing yourself to only hear doom and like you plan to break up with her before she can break up with you. Dude, BREATHE. Calm down. Take it one thing at a time.

GL!
Galagirl

Thanx for hearing me out galagirl!

I understand but honesty comes first...ill start to grow around the idea that this will probably end...I know her too well to think she'll look pass this... maybe its even better to just excuse myself and let it be...and at least we can stay friends that way

Thank you very much for hearing me put people! I hope my next experience with poly is a little better than this one! cheers

I really do think this is the fairest form of love...i am really disappointed... just hope next time i give it a go i'll be able to do it better...

rdos, different people live poly in different ways.

For you, poly seems to mean that there's an unspoken understanding that other partners will be involved, and nothing more needs to be said. That's fine. That's what works for you.

For others, there is an agreement to tell one another about new partners. Or to tell one another when a new connection moves into sex. Or whatever.

For me, it means that I tell Hubby and Guy about each new partner, about each *date* with a new partner whether it's intended to be sexual or not, and about anything that happens with another partner that might cross a boundary we've set. There's an unspoken understanding that I'm going to interact with Hubby in many ways because we live together; on the rare occasions when I see Guy, Hubby knows we're going to have sex. Those don't need to be confirmed each time. But at this point, I still have to let both of them know when I'm seeing S2. (Negotiating that with them later this week.)

Some people prefer complete openness and honesty with their primary partner, or with the partner they live with, or with all partners. That doesn't mean they're doing poly wrong. It just isn't the way *you* do it, and that's fine.

Alm, if you and your partner had agreements to tell each other things and you broke those agreements, then yeah... it was dishonest, and you need to try to make amends. I hope that you're wrong about what you think her reaction will be when you come clean. Like GalaGirl said, deep breath... you don't know for sure until you actually talk to her. Good luck!

At least one factor doesn't apply to me: I don't want to have sex with anybody (unless it's intended for procreation). I think that will make things a lot easier. But it was interesting to read about the different models there are. They just seems a little to fixated on sex as well. I'd like a few models for asexual polyamory as well.

Yes...when i did it te rules were more opaque...I should have asked for time...i should have been smarter about it and definitely shouldn't have been dishonest. I will prepare everything for it to come out the best way possible...id i even lose her friendship, so be it...thanks again guys! it was good to weep out anonimously!