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Old 04-25-2010, 11:36 PM
Irena Irena is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 19
Default The opposite of compersion

A thing I love about polyamory, the little of it I've seen and experienced so far, is the way the love, excitement, arousal, and happiness generated in one relationship spill over into others; my boyfriend has a great date one night, and I get to ride that high with him the next day. Something I'm just starting to see is the flip side, where problems in one relationship affect the others, even if just by dampening the mood.

Specifics: my boyfriend met his other girlfriend and me at about the same time, started seeing us more or less simultaneously. He was getting over a really rough breakup, and we talked a lot about taking things slowly, keeping expectations low. After a few months, though, things started getting more serious with both of us. I wanted to meet her, she didn't want to meet me... I've posted about that elsewhere.

Anyway, they've been fighting for the last couple of weeks, and yesterday she broke up with him. It's rough, but I saw it coming and I think he did too. The problem is, she broke up with him in almost the same way his recent ex did -- after seeing how much that hurt him and promising that she would do things differently if she ever broke things off.

I am so, so angry with her (and I've never even met her.) If compersion is the feeling of happiness at seeing how happy your partner's other partner makes them, what do you call the wrath at seeing how much they hurt them? I cannot imagine ever treating him that way, even if we don't stay together. But I can't even give him the promise that I would never do that, because she gave him the same promise and then broke it.

I think I'm mostly writing just to vent. Part of my anger is just because someone hurt someone I care about (and I feel a wee bit protective toward him, in case you couldn't tell), and part of it is at the damage this might do to our relationship. I don't think there will be any serious damage, but it's taken him a while to get comfortable with me and trust that I won't leave him cold like the last woman did, and I'm afraid this will set us back.

Anyone have any related stories or insights?
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