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  #331  
Old 08-18-2014, 04:08 PM
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Oy. I've been mostly off-board for a few days, but big hugs, Mags.
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Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 11), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
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  #332  
Old 08-19-2014, 06:44 AM
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Hugs to you, Mags. This sucks and I hope you are feeling much better soon.

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  #333  
Old 08-19-2014, 11:28 AM
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Thanks for the sympathies. I meant to write more details yesterday, but got busy.

I was surprised to hear about this third breakup because I saw pix on FB people from the drumming community were posting from the latest big late summer outdoor drum event. It was on Saturday and I was looking at the photos on Sunday. I saw pix of Ginger and Carla dancing together. The person that had taken and posted it had titled it Dancing Conversation.

I also saw a pic of Ginger with a big smile, having just had face paint art put on him by Carla. So I thought all was well.

But apparently about 24 hours later, they broke up with him again.

I also found out from miss pixi that even though Ginger's prostate and kidney issues seem resolved, and the side pain is a pulled muscle and now being treated with a topical pain reliever, he still had ED, and started Cialis, but it gave him headaches. So he is trying another medication.

Maybe if he was finally able to get a full erection, it was the last straw for David and his jealousy.

opalescent suggested if I want to stay friends with him, I wait 40 days from the breakup. That will be just 4 days from now. I think I will do it, say hi, just to see what happens.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #334  
Old 08-27-2014, 04:05 PM
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Forty days came and went, O Lord. Heh, 40 just seems so Biblical.

I wasn't ready to contact Ginger, however. At day 40 and for a few days after, I asked myself, "Self? Are you ready to talk to him, build a friendship out of the rubble?"

Self kept being pissed off. So I decided to wait. I had the Houseguest here coming and going, with her sports and her apartment and job searches. I had to help miss pixi plan and get ready for another trip for her, to see some college buddies. She is SO social. She saw her camp friends at camp in late June. We saw her old high school hometown buddies in July. Now she is away on her own visiting college friends she hadn't seen in 4 years in another area of upstate NY. Also, today she should be at an ex bf's, visiting him and his husband. Their breakup was amicable, he is like a father figure to her now, being older (like me).

I am glad she went because I was not in a mood to be around people who are her good friends, but mere casual acquaintances of mine. We were also helping our friend Tom deal with his sudden separation and imminent divorce. Hard for me to dig deep and find ways to help him, when I was in a similar boat.

But! I did well with helping Houseguest. She found a really cute apartment about 15 miles away, she spent a couple days moving in, bought a bed, and slept there for the first time last night! And miss p is gone til Friday and I have 3 days to myself! Now can I finally make some real progress processing my grief? to be continued...
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #335  
Old 08-27-2014, 04:31 PM
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Yesterday Ginger got back in touch with me himself. He FB messaged me in mid afternoon saying he is missing me a lot and wonders how I am.

I was busy helping Houseguest move, and I wanted time to think about what to say, if I responded at all.

Finally this morning I took the plunge and messaged him back. We chatted about half an hour, with pauses in between posts, since I am sure we were both trying to say things in the calmest least drama way possible.

He told me he is having a tough time, but is sure he will "rally and flourish as always."

I know he must be all sad because he went from 5 lovers to 1! His wife is all that is left, and as we know, they aren't all that intimate.

He said at first he was relieved we weren't hurting each other all the time, but now he is missing me. I replied, maybe because it didn't work out with C&D, or so I have heard? He first denied that, but then said it was a possibility, the 2 grievings are all twisted up in odd ways.

(Of course I was being all sarcastic in my head, thinking, you made your bed, now it's empty; you got what you deserved for being so careless!)

He then wanted to know how I was doing, and I said I've been too busy to process the breakup properly so am glad for some time alone, finally!

I said, I was glad for miss pixi to be away seeing friends, and he said, that seems healthy for her. I said, Yes, she deserves some fun. I've put her through hell with all my angst around him for the past year. All this past year she's been so supportive when I've been sad and hurt.

Then he said he feels bad about me being sad and hurt.

Then he wondered if we'd talked enough for now? I thought it over, and then asked, You're still being friends with those 2 even though the sex is over? He said, it's very complicated, they see each other at events, he chats both on IM every day, and David had come over yesterday. David, who had "pulled the plug." But somehow he thinks their friendships are strong.

I said that sounds painful and messy, to still be in contact daily. But if it works for him, that is what matters.

Then he said, "I used to know how to be happy and content with no lovers [other] than R. I'm sure I will figure it out again. The transition is a bit of a shock to the system though.
I know I have thought about you every day since our break up, both before and since the break up with them.
I've tried to give you space but it has been hard.
And you? Can you tell me anything about your love life?"

Hmph. It used to drive me crazy how he thought I needed sex, but he only wanted it, and could easily go without. I always thought that was so hypocritical, since he had an operation that put him almost completely out of sexual commission, but he still seemed compelled to pursue a romantic SEXUAL relation with those 2 jokers, poly noobs, and neglected my needs big time.

Hmph!

He's still clueless.

But anyway, I didn't address that. I answered him about my love life. How miss pixi has been too distracted with friends, and too shy with the Houseguest in the next room, to have had much interest in sex (we've been averaging about once a week since June, bleh). How I had a couple okc guys interested in me, but they didn't work out.

He wanted more details, but I told him I didn't want to talk about it. He was sorry I wasn't getting more sex from miss pixi. He had the gall to say, "I know you deal with droughts less well than I do. I want you to be happy."

Ha! So fucking patronizing, but I am sure he thought he was being very kind. That is the one time I let my sarcasm burst out, saying, "You want me to be happy. Hmph." Then I said, "gonna say bye now. maybe we can talk in a couple weeks." He said, "I'd like that. At the full moon." He must have looked at his calendar and put a note to msg me then, and noticed it was full moon. Like that matters or I care. But that's him, being all hippy and non sequiter and no brain to mouth filter.

So, that was that. Gives me more fodder to mull over during my blessed 3 days of me time.

Comments welcome!
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #336  
Old 09-07-2014, 05:40 PM
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Been about 9 days since miss pixi returned from her trip. We've been bonding and reconnecting the whole time, and it's been great. We've been hanging out restfully, doing small household projects, going to the beach together, and yes, kissing, cuddling, flirting and having sex! Yay! We are all lovey and tight again.

Seeing friends has been kept to a minimum. We did go to Tom's divorce party to support him. He redecorated his apartment to rid himself of his ex's essence. It was nice to see it all fresh with his own personality all over it now.

Tonight we are going to Houseguest's new apartment to see how it's all set up. She's invited a couple other friends and we will have dinner.

I am feeling so much better now. Been reading a lot, doing my little hobbies, yardwork/gardening, etc. Definitely feeling more centered and grounded than I have felt in months!

Also been chatting with my newly sober, married and pregnant daughter and she is still healthy and happy. This is an incredible relief.

I guess in a day or 3 I will chat with Ginger, as I told him I would. I might even invite him over for a face to face and see how that goes... I am a bit nervous, I admit. I don't want anything to harsh my new feeling of peace. We will see.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #337  
Old 09-11-2014, 02:39 PM
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OK, I was a woman of my word and messaged Ginger yesterday morning. We talked for 3 hours.

What were the highlights of the talk?

First we chit chatted about random things: me feelingvery happy and more centered and rebonded with miss pixi after a busy summer. How we went to the beach and enjoyed it. How our former Houseguest is in her new apt and about to start her job, doing her sports and thriving. I also mentioned having seen Ginger's pix on his FB from Worcester Pride last weekend and how he looked cute and happy. He is doing lots of wood cutting on his land now to get ready for winter and feeling healthy doing it.

Then on to heavier topics. He is still chatting C&D regularly, and cares about them both deeply. It seems David comes over now and then, but has vetoed a romantic relationship for his wife, Carla. So no one on one visits for them! But Ginger sees them about every week at drumming community events.

He seemed bitter and somewhat angry at David for the veto, understandably. "Vetoes are bullshit" were his words. However he really likes the guy, so I guess is trying to be patient. He mentioned he didn't know if any closeness will remain between him and them in the future.

I didn't ask for any more details.

We discussed his various health issues. His prostate is well healed. He has been seeing a physical therapist for his back pain which was a torn muscle. It is healed but he is doing stretches to strengthen it.

Sex used to make it hurt the most, which would cause ED. However, he hasn't had sex in a month, except solo, and seems eager to try it.

I asked about his public flirting with the 3 women on Fetlife. He said they mean nothing to him, even though one gave him her phone number. They are all long distances away.

I talked about how I am enjoying being mono with miss pixi right now, the simplicity, the peace, after 5+ years of being actively poly. I also said, I have lowered expectations of him now. How I was in love with an idealized, NRE influenced idea of him, that turned out to be inaccurate. Now? I guess I sort of love him for the things about him I enjoy, but then there's all this other stuff. He seemed eager to listen and find out where my head is at. He wants to still be in my/our lives, work on miss pixi's bike, help us with household projects. Wondered if that was possible.

I said, he is "wild," everyone calls him that. Mostly because of the free way he dances, I think. He said he calls himself wild, but honestly thinks that is just a facade. I said, I thought he was more "domestic and loyal" than he turned out to be.

to be continued...
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #338  
Old 09-11-2014, 02:56 PM
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Continued...

I tried, once again, to get him to tell me WHY he needs or wants so many lovers. God, it was like pulling teeth. He mentioned how sometimes when he gets too tight with someone, he finds himself pulling back, since "accomodating" others can make him feel like he is losing himself.

But that wasn't really the case with me. He didn't feel like he was losing a sense of himself. "Carla came into my life and I liked her there," he said.

Finally we came to some kind of conclusion he likes his independence. And that had to be my final answer.

Then we rehashed a few more things from the last year and his r'ship with C&D, his prostate issues, and how it all blew up.

Then we went on to, what now? Do we want to resume on some kind of level, or not? I am happy now being a "lesbian," lots of sex with miss pixi right now, even streaming Orange is the New Black for more lesbian loving on our TV.

But he and I did have great sexual chemistry and shared other interests. So he said, IF we are to resume, we'd need to have the safer sex talk. So we went ahead with that.

I said, my status hasn't changed in 2 months. Then, after 3 hours of talking, he revealed he spent an evening with (nickname) Older Lady. They had sex with a condom. I was all, who the heck is she? We talked it over, he averred he'd told me about her before our breakup. She lives about 25 miles away. He told me where she works, and that she is a widow. They have been chatting for 4 months and she has "become a good friend."

I didnt remember her. I was floored that he decided to mention her 3 hours into our conversation, rather than 1 hour in when I was asking him about the Fetlife flirting! Once again, Mr Literal strikes.

He said, he and she had sex before his breakup with C&D. So him saying he hasn't had sex in the last month is accurate. I then told him abruptly I hadnt eaten yet and had a headache (true) and had to go. to be continued...
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #339  
Old 09-11-2014, 03:10 PM
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After we stopped chatting I searched his FB friends and found Older Lady. I recognized her face but not her name. Odd. But then I realized he'd told me she'd first contacted him on OK Cupid. (I must have looked at her okc profile, which explains recognizing her face but not her real name. All I'd had was her screenname. Of course then, her existence went right out of my mind with all the other shit going on.)

At the time she first contacted him, he was freshly into the C&D thing and trying to hold onto me and miss pixi, so he told Older Lady he wasn't available, but they could chat from time to time. However, she messaged him again a few days later to ask his advice about certain losses in her life. Her husband, father and MIL had all fairly died recently and she wanted support and I guess Ginger seemed like a good support system? Also of course, he has told her all about me, and C&D, all the shit, the breakups, and she's been his support! How convenient. Once he and I broke up, she just slid into a slot of his new availability. (I have to wonder if she thinks he is a train wreck now, with his odd social skills causing 3 breakups this summer!)

So last night I messaged Ginger again, apologized for leaving our former conversation abruptly, and he understood. But I did express my frustration and upset that he hadn't told me about Older Lady until 3 hours into our convo, rather than when I was fishing about any prospects he had when asking about the FL women!

Gah, I told him this just happens so much with him. We can go along, talkng nicely, getting along, being cordial, working at being on the same page. I get lulled and feel loved and cared for and then BAM! He says something hurtful out of left field! (This is Asperger's behavior)

sigh... Then he said, Older Lady and he only had sex the one time and he didnt know if it would happen again. She has another guy she's been seeing and might go mono with him.

I said, but you're emotionally linked with her now. Yes, that was true, he said. Gah, I said if you'd have told me this earlier in our convo, the convo would've gone much differently. He said, how was he to know I would've wanted to know about her earlier? He said I didnt ask specifically if he was seeing anyone else.

I said, I am not seeing anyone else. I am too reboundy. I said, he is rebounding from our breakup right into Older Lady's heart.

I don't understand how he can have been dealing with our breakup, dealing with the rocky C&D r'ship (not to mention the ED), and still have time, energy, motivation to have gotten so close with Older Lady and have even gone and seen her and had sex!

He says he likes to have close connections with people. But god, how close can he be with so many? My thoughts, which I didn't share: His getting close with C&D and all the others in the past 1+ year led me to feel like he is actually SHALLOW. The closeness is an illusion. The real caring and dependability and r'ship maintenance goes out the window.

Bleh. I was brought back to how exhausting it all is, to be with a guy with so much freeking DRAMA in his life. I am so enjoying my peace and simplicity with miss pixi!

I remember our good sex, but in my current state I am not sure I would even be able to relax, enjoy, suck his various body parts, and cum well. Grrr...
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37

Last edited by Magdlyn; 09-11-2014 at 03:47 PM.
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  #340  
Old 09-17-2014, 02:28 PM
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A few days after our previous online 3 hour chat, we had another one.

This time, Ginger asked a couple times, what about our future? I said, well there are 3 ways it could go. FWBs, platonic friends, or no relationship at all, just drift apart. Being tight bf and gf, I do not think will ever work again, not when he is so actively looking for another partner.

Again, I had to try very hard to understand what his emotions and needs and ... mission is, in dating so much. He had insisted, before we broke up, that he reserved the right to date 5 or 10 people at once. He was free and autonomous and that was his right.

Now he has softened that stance (which I think was mere belligerent posturing) and admitted he wants 2 tight r'ships, which could be me and one other steady partner (leaving his nearly asexual wife, and miss p, out of the equation).

So, all his dating was not for the love of juggling so many, but merely the "kissing a lot of frogs before you find the One," kind of thing. And I could finally relate to that, because it was similar to what I was doing when I was power dating back in 2009-2011.

Although my motivations were also to experience variety after being mono for 30+ years, and also to explore kink and my lesbian side.

I told Ginger that when he was dating a lot, I felt neglected and more like his mom than his sex kitten gf. Listening to his descriptions about sex dates with this or that woman, or David, was making me feel like my role was to merely support him without feeling valued as the sexy wonderful desirable person I am.

He told me he didnt need a mom, so I told him specifically about 2 times (out of many) this was the case. He then seemed to get it and apologized, saying he acted in "stupid" ways.

So. Meanwhile, he is lonely and not getting to have sex with anyone. We used to have sex 3 times a week, and he was having 3some sex with C&D, and now, since Older Lady is avoiding seeing him again, he hasn't had partnered sex in a month.

However, I have been having wonderful daily sex and lots of flirting and cuddling throughout the day with miss pixi (thank god), so I seem to have the upper hand. He is probably getting pretty desperate. I seem to be his only hope for sex right now, since he finally admitted he is still in rebound mode from our breakup and the breakup with his couple, and is a "mess," and wouldn't be "able to do a good job" relating to a new person presently.

I have been running all this new info past miss pixi. Her insight is that Ginger asking me about "our future" is code for, "Can I come over and fuck you now???"

In fact, at the end of this 2nd 3 hour talk, he said, "I am wondering if we should take a hike and talk and see what we are like together."

I was about to go out when he said that, so I didn't respond... My idea is that the sexual chemistry will be there, but in conflict, for me, with all the hurt feelings and lack of understanding we've gone through.

2 nights in a row, he said his "Good night" on FB chat, which used to be his nightly ritual when we were a couple. I responded with a *wink* the first night, but didn't respond the 2nd night. Last night he didn't say it.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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