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Old 04-25-2010, 05:11 AM
Eni Eni is offline
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 6
Default Being a mono secondary

First, the background; I got ennui with the dating scene and at some point managed to snare myself a girl (I'm gay) who was interested in being a Domme. I'm not sure what I was really thinking, considering I'm not exactly the casual sex type, but I just needed something good to happen for once. Anyway, she's poly and has a primary boyfriend.

We spent a lot of time emailing, and a while back we finally met and had dinner together. The thing that freaked me out about this was how much it felt like a date. This lady is extremely respectful of me, and I really appreciate that, but it does mean that even though the idea was a BDSM type deal some form of courtship is going to happen first, with some form of intimate relationship coming afterwards if said courtship is successful.

We're meeting again soon, and I've kind of gotten past the self-deception of "oh no, this isn't dating, this isn't relationship, this is something other". I mean, seriously, who am I kidding? This is dating. It may not be the monogamous kind of dating I'm used to, but it is. And it's not exactly unlikely that during the courtship more emotions start happening besides just trust and physical and platonic affection and intimacy.

Is there any way this can end besides in tears? I don't think I'm cut out for being poly, and I'm certainly not going to be completely fulfilled being a secondary. Maybe it's better to pull the plug on this whole thing before it can go somewhere bad, because even though this could work out great for me - getting intimacy while I'm "single" to the world - what would happen to her if I did find a partner? I don't want to treat her as disposable, just like I wouldn't want to be treated that way, but my dating life is complicated enough already without adding "...oh yeah and I have a Domme partner on the side, I hope that's okay?".

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