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Old 04-24-2010, 04:58 PM
otter otter is offline
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Question My story

Well I had just married by best friend and lover of 5 years. It was great with all the shiny of new love. For me it was love at first site and I knew at meeting him he was the one.
We where just getting active in a local SCA group when I meet a guy I will call Wolf. BAm out of the blue was that feeling of true love. I was confused and upset at my self. Here I was a married and in love with some one else. I keep the feelings to my self and just moved on with my life.
Fast forwards a couple years and damn if Bear (husband) and Wolf did not become best friends. Talk about hard. By this time we had done a little swinging and I found that was not for me. Then one day Bear asked if I would try it one more time. This time with his best friend Wolf. Wow, talk about mixed emotions. A week later after a lot of talking on Bears part we had a "date". It was mind blowing. it felt so right the 3 of us there in bed talking and sharing. For a couple months this went on I was so happy, but still had not told the guys how I felt.
Around this time a women had also come into Wolfs life and with lying to him got pregnant by him. He ended up getting married, not out of love but out of duty to his child.
We still where friends but just friends. His wife made it vary clear that he was hers and I was not even to talk to him alone. I respected that and even when they moved away I would not talk to him on the phone but past him to Bear as soon as he called.
By this time I had told my husband. I was heart broke and torn up so bad. He was so supportive. I love Bear so much but was still torn over how could I love 2 men so deeply. Over the next years he supported me and we did look for another partner but never found any one who could even come close to filling the hole in my heart.
Fast forwards to yesterday. Wolfs marriage had been on the rocks and loveless for a long time. I still did not talk to him out of respect to his marriage and not wanting to add any more flames to his relationship with his wife. He had talked to Bear about leaving her but had been wishy washy about it. As he had been really into working with fire works so I texted him about if this year he was going to work a job. ( his wife had stopped him from doing this because it took time once away from her) Bear and I where talking about where to go to the 4th and thought it would be cool to got support him if he was going to work.
He ended up calling me back and leaving a message to call him. I had not talked to him in years. I was sick to my stomach and so scared to call. Bear said just do it. We talked for a few a bit and he came out and said that the marriage was over. He told me of his plans and what he was thinking about doing for the 4th. I ended up telling him why I had not really talked in years. He was vary quite then thanked me for being such a good friend but really wished I had told him earlier. I ended the phone call with a happy "I love you" more like a friend would say to each other and he returned it. I hung up and started shacking so bad, I got sick to my stomach and was just a wreak. I am so scared to really tell him how I feel. At this point I do not know what to do. I will just keep going as I have. Loving 2 guys but never able to tell one how I really feel.

Last edited by otter; 04-27-2010 at 12:05 AM.
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Old 04-24-2010, 11:18 PM
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Why?
Why would you do that?
I guess I don't understand.
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Old 04-24-2010, 11:30 PM
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I ask my self all the time why I have never said anything to him. This last call I told him more then I have ever said before. I am just scared. I do not want to lose him even as a friend. I guess I still have not come to terms with how I feel my self. I have been doing a lot of thinking. I think joining this forum and putting down the story for the first time is a step to wraping my own mind around my own feelings that I locked away so tight for so long. After the phone call last night Bear told me it was not fair that I have not told him how I feel. I don't know. I am almost forty and right now I feel like I am in High School and have a major crush. But afraid to ask if the guy likes me....
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Old 04-24-2010, 11:33 PM
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Sounds like it's a good time for you to really dig down into yourself and figure out what it is that makes you feel so insecure.

You may find that solving THAT issue will resolve all of the rest of your confusion.

If you want people to love YOU for who you really are-they can only do that if they know YOU for who you REALLY are. If they only know the facade you are putting up-then they also only love the facade, not you.

The Seven Levels of Intimacy book talks about that and how it impacts our lives.
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Old 04-24-2010, 11:41 PM
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The word insecure nails it on the head. Most people who met me see a vary strong secure person who has most every thing under contral, but in my world I am maddly juggling and scared to death to drop a ball. The worst part is I really do not know how to juggle.
Thank you for the book title. I will see if the book store has a copy on the way home. I feel a little better knowing I have a place to come to and put my thoughts out there instead of keeping them rattling around in my head.
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Old 04-24-2010, 11:42 PM
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All I can do is relate to you what I went through. I was tortured by my secret of love. While we were involved, I hid my feelings which was toxic to both my now ex-lover and wife but more toxic for me. I was out of control, and the emotional solitude was hurting me more than anyone.

Admitting it to myself was step one...it helps
Admitting it to my wife was step two...it helped a lot...
Admitting it to the person you love...was an incredible relief.

I was worried she would never talk to me, want to be with me...etc. Luckily I fell in love with an amazing woman who took it in stride. Our relationship had ended but our friendship has flourished. It didn't work out for me the way I would have liked but all in all, telling the person was an important step...

Good luck, its tough to do I know. We all fear consequences, but if you can't tell someone you love them without fear of them running away...would they be worth maintaining a relationship with anyways?
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Old 04-24-2010, 11:46 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
We all fear consequences, but if you can't tell someone you love them without fear of them running away...would they be worth maintaining a relationship with anyways?
Now that the relationship between him and his wife is over I do need to tell him...

Do they make Hallmark cards for this? I am starting to see what a complete chicken I am.
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Old 04-24-2010, 11:48 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by otter View Post
The word insecure nails it on the head. Most people who met me see a vary strong secure person who has most every thing under contral, but in my world I am maddly juggling and scared to death to drop a ball. The worst part is I really do not know how to juggle.
Thank you for the book title. I will see if the book store has a copy on the way home. I feel a little better knowing I have a place to come to and put my thoughts out there instead of keeping them rattling around in my head.
I was always much like that too. Everyone thinks I'm strong, independent and in control. These days I generally am. But mostly because I broke down emotionally when my health went to hell in a handbasket. I showed my true heart and all the broken pieces to my husband and boyfriend for the first time in full.
Scary as hell-EXTREMELY liberating.

If you like to read-look for "living happily ever after" as well... marsha sinetar. It's a little more difficult read-but GREAT information in it on working on yourself. It's very specific to improving yourself, but not specific to relationships. GREAT book.
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Old 04-24-2010, 11:51 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by otter View Post
Now that the relationship between him and his wife is over I do need to tell him...

Do they make Hallmark cards for this? I am starting to see what a complete chicken I am.
Reading your previous post, we are similar. I have a lot of confidence with most things in life.

I have no confidence in love...telling someone I love them is like giving them a piece of me. That scares me, because handing that over leaves me exposed and open to someone hurting me in the only way I feel pain. I fear that deeply.

While my friend did not hurt me with this information...unrequited love has its own pains...

But in any and all cases, I don't regret it. ...
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Old 04-25-2010, 12:00 AM
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I think that is the core issue here. I do not like to be open.I am so scared of being hurt. I have only told one person that I loved them and that is Bear. I do not fall in love easly but it seems when I do its forever.
I am really unhappy with life right now. It seems like I am at the bottom of the well.Then I get this call and I see a really bright light and may be even a rope. My choice is do I have the strenght to pull my self up and out...no one else can do it for me.
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