Advice needed for married mono who's wife now says she's poly
I'm sure you're fed up to the back teeth with people like me but I need some inforled opinion and I thought this was a good place to get it.
I've been married 10 years, am very in love with my wife, although we have our ups and downs. What has nearly always been wonderful is our depth of understanding of one another. We also, and she also tells me this, have a passionate and very active sex life together.
But... I'd been suspecting for a while that something was going on. Lots of late nights chatting on the computer and several weekends away (all for legit reasons - a funeral, birthday party, driving test...), eventually gave way to real suspicion that she wasn't being honest with me. She consistently denied there was anything and I continued to believe her.
A year previously, I'd found out by chance that she had a profile on a married dating agency (illicit encounters) and she confessed that she had seen a number of men but hadn't slept with any. I believe her on this. We agreed that she would not start seeing other guys again unless we agreed on it together.
But after her last weekend away a weeks ago (we live in France but lived in London until last summer, which is where she went away to) I rearly thought she was no longer telling me the truth. I purchased a software to log her computer activity and found her email account full of emails from various lovers. Confronting her with it, she could no longer deny it.
She's had 4 lovers since August, and has only seen 1 more than once. They're all in London. She tells me that taking lovers has no bearing on her relationship with me, and in fact says it draws her closer to me. She says she coudln't bear the thought of me leaving her either.
This is when she spoke of polyamory to me and hwo she feels it's something she wants to experiment with, possibly along with swinging. She is asking for
my permission to carry out this desire.
I just do not feel ready at this moment to make agreement with her to include polyamory or swinging in our marriage. It's not something I'm drawn to myself. I'm also hurt by the fact she lied to me for 6 months and that I had to find out by stealth, something I'm not proud of.
My head wants to say to her, yes it's fine, live out your desire. But the thought of me staying at home for weekends on end, with our 3 young children, whilst she is enjoying passionate sex, turns my stomach upside down.
At the same time, if she renounces this desire for my sake, I worry that she'll either feel resentment towards me in the long-term, or will just lie to me again.
From your experience, (as polys and monos) can you see a way forward for us? The idea that she has lovers does turn me on, but in a "kinky" irrational way. In the cold light of day, it gives me the chills. We have spent a lot of time this week speaking about how we feel, and it's really helped. It's also led to some amazingly powerful and passionate sex. But I really worry that when decision time comes (ie, her lover comes to Paris for the w/e or she plans another trip to London, I will not know what to do.
Do I just have to live with this and put on a brave face?
Should she renounce?
Might I change my opinion and feel alright with my wife taking lovers?
Should I try it myself to balance out our relationship?
Thanks for reading and look forward to your opinions.
Last edited by captainyossarian; 04-25-2010 at 08:39 AM. Reason: clarity
|advice, affairs, cheating, lies, mono/poly, new to poly|