Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 04-24-2010, 07:12 PM
atheist atheist is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 3
Unhappy WOW! What a SNAFU! Part one.

This is a bit of stream of consciousness writing to help me try to figure out where I am and how in the hell I got here in the first place.

Almost a year ago I started playing pool and throwing darts with a female friend on a fairly regular basis about once a week. It started out as a group of friends but as time wore on more and more it was just us shooting pool. Almost 6 months of shooting pool, and a month or so of my wife asking me if I was going out with my ďgirlfriendĒ on the weekend to tweak me, my wife basically informed me that, yes, I had indeed fallen in love with this other, married, woman. I tried to deny it, not wanting it to be true as I feared how something like that would damage the relationship with my wife, who I considered and referred to as my angel. I was also somewhat embarrassed that if it were true, Iíd been *caught* at something that felt wrong to me and that I probably should have seen and if I were a ďgood husbandĒ Iíd have acted to end pool nights and keep from being in situations that would result in us getting even closer than we already were. That didnít work, and in very short order I admitted that yes, I was in love with her. Immediate dilemma for me, what to do now; what do I do? Pool night comes around and again, itís just us two at the pool hall. I told her I loved her and asked her how she felt. She needed a little time to think about it. That same evening after taking what felt like forever, she told me that she had also fallen in love with me. My wife knew, and our families were very close so in the interest of honesty and full disclosure, we both decided right then and there that her husband needed to be told about this as soon as she got home.

He didnít take it well. He didnít take it well at all. My lovely wife basically told us we were morons and should have kept it a secret since the only thing that could have happened by him knowing was that heíd be hurt, which isnít good for anyone and is actually quite cruel to him. She had been in favor of us having an affair. Oh well, it was too late for that now. So we dealt with it as best we could. Over the next few days or maybe a week or so I learned the following.

My wife had a 4+ year long affair with my best friend, and she has had a one night stand with two other people. In the distant past she had sex a few times with the person who was my best friend at that time, and she was the person with whom another friend lost his virginity. My wife has been ďin loveĒ with yet a different person for over 20 years without my knowledge. Wow! I can either have a blow-up and demand that behavior of that sort end forever or weíre done, or I can blow-up and leave her for cheating on me, or I can ďcopeĒ and let the intellect win over the feelings of jealousy and betrayal. Two teenage children, a mortgage, and 22 years of marriage spent building a life where I had never felt neglected or unloved, the *best choice* seemed to be to ďsuck it upĒ and get on with life, and just deal with my self-proclaimed polyamorous wife, and let her continue to have her fun, so to speak. Not only that, in large part, apparently, because 22 years ago I had told her, and kept telling her every once in a while, ďwhat I donít know wonít hurt meĒ, she had a rationale that was basically unspoken permission to have affairs and/or trysts as much as she wanted, with the responsibility that I never learn about them. But now I was in love with someone in addition to my wife, and that didnít diminish the love I felt for my wife, and it was a nice feeling to be loved by two women, so now I could probably empathize with wanting to sleep with other women (at least this one) without it affecting how I felt about my wife, like she said her trysts/affairs didnít affect how she felt about me. Welcome to the world of polyamory.

Did I have any affairs during the 22 years of our marriage? I think I *might* have had a couple of one night stands within a couple of the first two to three years, but if so, I donít remember them, but remembering back to the kind of person I was, I believe I probably did have a few. I did have one ďaffairĒ with a girl about 5-6 years into our marriage where I met her and had sex on 2 or three different occasions, and I had a one night stand about 8 years into our marriage, but my wife knew about that one beforehand, and while she said sheíd rather I didnít do anything with her, I did. Maybe because a couple of years prior to that I had an opportunity to sleep with an old high school girlfriend that Iíd never had sex with before, I asked her about that and when she said sheíd rather I not, I didnít. Iím just not sure, but for the most part I had permission from my wife to sleep around if I wanted to while I was an over the road truck driver, and I took advantage of it, without her knowledge, only with that girl I mentioned having the very, very short lived affair with. I never specifically gave her permission, other than the rule that sent a double meaning; ďwhat I donít know wonít hurt meĒ.

My wife is polyamorous in that she can love more than one person at a time, and sheís known this since before we got married. Hell, she almost talked me into a ďgroupĒ arrangement early in our marriage, but I just couldnít get rid of the jealousy, so I put the stop to it. Well, what I know is that I put the stop to the group arrangement, and I put a stop to this particular individual, but not my wifeís sleeping with other guys. Isnít that a nice thought? Yeah, that was snarky, and whatís good for the goose is good for the gander, and I was sleeping around on her several times during the time leading up to our engagement, which was short as we married soon afterward, so itís also hypocritical, isnít it? Okay, so my wife tells me about her various ďencountersĒ with other guys. At the end of the first evening of her confessions she says to me that thatís all there was. Then thereís another night of further confessions, and thatís all there was. Finally, at least a third night, and thatís all there is, and this is, if memory serves me correctly, the night of the confession to the 4 year affair, or the confession of the 20 year love interest, but maybe both. I honestly donít remember the order anymore. What I didnít pay enough attention to, apparently, was that she was adamant about telling me that nobody had her heart like I did by telling me that at the front end of every tryst/love affair she made it blatantly obvious to her chosen partner that theyíd NEVER supplant me in her heart and there was no way sheíd allow them to ever consider her their primary love interest, and she demanded of them that she never become their primary love interest. Talk about quashing and muting the potential for unfettered, uncontrolled emotional bonding and growth; itíd be nigh impossible if thatís on the very front end of any ďengagementĒ.

During this time of confession and getting ďhonestĒ with each other weíre also discussing my own first-hand knowledge and experience with honest to goodness love of more than one person. Iím very uncomfortable with it, and tell her on more than one occasion that for some reason, whether socialization or something else I canít identify, I think Iíd actually be more comfortable trying to hide the whole thing from her and just have had an affair. Good idea, bad idea, who knows? Itís probably a bad idea since we are supposedly being honest and totally up front about everything. Iím also learning that she believes lying, or preferably deflection and misdirection, is acceptable when the truth serves no good purpose and will result in hurt feelings, and when thereís no good result but itís known that hurt feelings would be the result, the truth in that case is the equivalent to intentional and calculated harm to someone, and itís not nice, nor is it acceptable to intentionally hurt someone when no good can come of it. Okay, I understand that. Does that mean the same rule applies at all times, even when dealing with oneís spouse in what is now a totally open, honest, up-front relationship? Why? Because that relationship isnít worthy of the protection others are afforded by the ďwhen is lying and/or misdirection okayĒ, rule? Or is the critical assumption that nothing will hurt because weíll trust that it isnít the intent to cause pain, or that somehow the pain is a good thing, or what? I donít get it at all when itís applied here? How much trust do you have for your spouse and how much do they trust you, and in what terms and to what degree under what circumstances?

cont'd in next post.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 04-24-2010, 07:12 PM
atheist atheist is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 3
Unhappy Part 2

Honesty is NOT normal. Lying is a defense either for the other person or for the person telling the lie, and lies are therefore a form of emotional protection. Oddly enough, I canít think of a more effective form of emotional protection in discourse than a lie told so well that itís believed indefinitely or at least long enough so that when truth is discovered, it is no longer the painful experience it would have been at the time of the lie. Thereís also something about being dishonest that just sits wrong with me, and I think people in general, that *typically* results in the lies being told only when no other truth, however diplomatic, will serve well enough as a form of protection for someone involved. I loathe lying, and canít stand it when I catch myself telling one for any reasonÖthough that hasnít stopped me in the past for some reason. Maybe itís just another sign Iím a mere mortal, or am I by definition, a liar, as far as civilized society is concerned? Honesty is so much preferable, and not being capable of shame or guilt would make total honesty much easier, wouldnít it?

So, now back to the four of us; and it looks as if weíre going to make an attempt at a ďquadĒ. Why not, heís a good, close friend who I trust, I love my wife and Iím in love with his wife who loves me in addition to her husband who considers me a good, close friend. What a fucking disaster that turned out to be. He refuses to ďshareĒ his wife unless heís watching her every move in terms of intimate moments, and heís pretty sure that heíll never be okay with the fact that his wife loves someone romantically in addition to himself. Well, okay, Iíve been there before so I understand jealousy, though Iím extremely not good with the fact that he was capable of having sexual relations with my wife, alone, as well as a threesome with his wife and mine, but incapable of a quid pro quo where I could have sexual relations with his wife, alone, or a threesome with them without his presence. Okay, I try a foursome, a threesome a couple of times, and I was so uncomfortable each time that the experience, for me was almost a total let down, the last time because he needed to see that I trusted him and his wife asked me to stay the night for that reason, primarily. MISTAKE! Oh well, thatís a different story altogether and what happened isnít pertinent to what Iím writing <chuckle>.

So hereís how it plays out for the most part. For months after this, my girlfriend and I get some time alone every once in a while because pool night is something we considered untouchable. By this time, our chemistry and our desire causes us to throw caution to the wind, besides, I believe in the back of our minds we thought her husband was being entirely unfair, and we make-out almost every time we go out, whether itís at the table in the pool hall just holding one another and kissing, or out in the car on the way back home where we can get in a little light petting. And during this period my wife has constantly been supportive of us making out whenever we can and even offers to stand guard and cover for us when we get brave enough to decide weíre willing to go farther than just making out, always telling us how she wishes we could spend more quality time together since we rarely get to spend quality alone time. She was also fairly adamant that the relationship between my girlfriend and me was strictly between us, and shouldnít have any interference or be shaped or molded by outside influences such as herself or my girlfriendís husband. I took her at her word at this, primarily because I donít want any outside influences if I can help it, and besides, sheís got 20+ years experience at this polyamory and relationship building stuff, so I go with it.

Now we come to today. In the past, Iíve gone over to my girlfriendís house without telling my wife first. Iíve talked to my girlfriend to find some sense of comfort when my wife is upset at me. Iíve gone over to talk to my girlfriend and itís turned into a 3-4 hour make-out session. All of which hurt my wifeís feelings because Iím supposed to tell her what my plans are first so sheís never taken by surprise and Iím supposed to tell her about everything that happens, and Iím not supposed to use my girlfriend as comfort during the times when I just donít want to deal with complications in my relationship with my wife. Iíve told my wife sheís the most important person in my life and taken time away from her to spend with my girlfriend who I still only see once a week or so. Iíve been ďlovingĒ in terms of touching my girlfriend in front of my wife without giving my wife equal treatment at the time, and still I feel like my wife is the most important person in my life, meaning, to me, that I do indeed love her more than I love my girlfriend. Perhaps, however, itís not a question of love as much as it is comfort, happy contentment, and the knowledge that Iíve been able to talk to my wife about anything and everything over the past 20+ years and she has been there for me when I needed a rock, needed comfort, and even when I needed a good swift kick in the ass. I still feel my eyes lock on her every once in a while with tenderness and thankfulness and love and those times havenít stopped. I donít like to hurt her and I donít mean to hurt her, but I do, every once in a while get carried away with what Iím hoping is the NRE of this 6 month old new love in my life. I question it myself sometimes though. Maybe Iím more in love with my girlfriend than my wife, but thereís a huge security blanket Iíve got with my marriage, and when thatís combined with the fact that my girlfriend isnít willing to leave her husband, and heís not good with her having any romantic feelings for anyone but him, Iím using my wife as a safety net.

I donít think Iím using my wife as a safety net or only as a safety net anyway. I feel like I love her more deeply than I love my new girlfriend simply because of the life weíve built together and the trials, tribulations, joys and happiness weíve shared. But my new girlfriend gets me light-headed, giddy, and punch-drunk and I feel altogether high and happy every time I see her and get the chance to just touch her hand. I donít EVER remember that with anyone else in my past, including my wife. Thatís not to say it wasnít there, though my wife is convinced it wasnít with her, but I donít remember it at all so sheís probably right about it. Itís that feeling that I canít hide, the light coming on in my eyes and my smile that gives me away to my wife and it cuts her to the bone, and that hurts me too. Sheís convinced that I love my girlfriend more than her. Maybe I do, though I donít think so. But I canít reconcile the belief that I love my wife ďmoreĒ than my girlfriend with the physical changes that take place when my girlfriend and I are with each other that I donít get when Iím around my wife. I canít deny the fact that there are times, and theyíre getting more and more frequent, when I do think Iím more in love with my girlfriend. Hell, there are times when Iím even sure of it, and I have no idea why or how, but the reality of our situation, and the thought of what Iíve built with my wife and her with her husband jerks me back to reality.

In general, Iím one confused, fucked-up, maybe even monogamous person who just happened to find the one female in 3 billion or so who I could love in addition to someone else. I donít know what to do about any of this. But I do know this; the most important thing to me right now, at this moment, is to get my wife to not hurt the way sheís hurting right now, believing that sheís no longer the person I love most. How to do this is beyond me. Even now Iím sort of a little angry at my wife seeming to *push* me into this (even though I was a very willing participant), telling me this new relationship was just between us, and then being so devastated when things happen that lead her to believe, contrary to what I think is true, that sheís no longer the primary love of my life. It almost feels like Iíve walked into the perfect trap that was set up just for me, and nobody but a saint could have avoided, and Iíve never even come close to claiming sainthood. The other night she was looking through advice columns to try to find coping methods to her belief that sheís now secondary. I asked her if sheíd posted her thoughts to the poly forums to get some input, and she broke down in tears saying she didnít want strangers to know anything or see what happened to her since she felt ashamed that she was no longer my number one in her opinion. Iíve offered to completely shut off the romantic/physical involvement with my girlfriend and substantially limit any contact with her, but my wife says thatís no good because the feelings wonít change, and thatís what has hurt her so badly.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 04-24-2010, 11:16 PM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,266
Default

Have you read any of the articles on www.xeromag.com about polyamory?
There are SEVERAL that popped into my mind while reading your thread.
I agree-what a mess!

The way you describe your feelings for your girlfriend-sounds like NRE to the T. It sounds nothing like love. You might research (so you can come up with what you define it as) what Love is then you could more easily compare........
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 04-24-2010, 11:55 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by atheist View Post
Honesty is NOT normal. Lying is a defense either for the other person or for the person telling the lie, and lies are therefore a form of emotional protection. Oddly enough, I canít think of a more effective form of emotional protection in discourse than a lie told so well that itís believed indefinitely or at least long enough so that when truth is discovered, it is no longer the painful experience it would have been at the time of the lie.
Are you serious?!!! I would love to know a situation where a lie is not hurtful. It doesn't matter how long it has been held. To the point of believing it or not, it is still hurtful. Perhaps it isn't obvious, but it is there. I find that quite insulting actually. What the fuck it the point of me spending so much time an energy and living my life as honestly as I possibly can if I just have to believe the lies I tell in order to wait for a really long time so that they too sill believe them?!!!! I'm sorry this just makes me really angry

Quote:
Originally Posted by atheist View Post
Thereís also something about being dishonest that just sits wrong with me, and I think people in general, that *typically* results in the lies being told only when no other truth, however diplomatic, will serve well enough as a form of protection for someone involved. I loathe lying, and canít stand it when I catch myself telling one for any reasonÖthough that hasnít stopped me in the past for some reason. Maybe itís just another sign Iím a mere mortal, or am I by definition, a liar, as far as civilized society is concerned? Honesty is so much preferable, and not being capable of shame or guilt would make total honesty much easier, wouldnít it?
"Not being capable of shame and guilt would make it easier to be honest!" What?!!!! I'm glad that you see value in not lying, but it sounds like you have a long way to go to be comfortable and a compassionate truth teller. Telling the truth is not easy, you are right, but it DOES come naturally if you practice it. Not only that it compounds on itself and amazing and wonderful things grow out of it. Amazing bonds and connections. Huge amounts of happiness, passion, self love, (I could go on!). Just as lies create huge craters of loneliness, self hate and loathing, disconnection, false relationships based on nothing but thin air, and a huge amount of pain for everyone.

I'm on to reading your entire thread now.... which I recognize btw perhaps that will bring to light what the heck??? I hope so.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 04-25-2010, 12:25 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by atheist View Post
Did I have any affairs during the 22 years of our marriage? I think I *might* have had a couple of one night stands within a couple of the first two to three years, but if so, I donít remember them, but remembering back to the kind of person I was, I believe I probably did have a few.
How can you not know you had an affair....?

Quote:
Originally Posted by atheist View Post
Iím very uncomfortable with it, and tell her on more than one occasion that for some reason, whether socialization or something else I canít identify, I think Iíd actually be more comfortable trying to hide the whole thing from her and just have had an affair. Good idea, bad idea, who knows? Itís probably a bad idea since we are supposedly being honest and totally up front about everything. Iím also learning that she believes lying, or preferably deflection and misdirection, is acceptable when the truth serves no good purpose and will result in hurt feelings, and when thereís no good result but itís known that hurt feelings would be the result, the truth in that case is the equivalent to intentional and calculated harm to someone, and itís not nice, nor is it acceptable to intentionally hurt someone when no good can come of it. Okay, I understand that. Does that mean the same rule applies at all times, even when dealing with oneís spouse in what is now a totally open, honest, up-front relationship? Why? Because that relationship isnít worthy of the protection others are afforded by the ďwhen is lying and/or misdirection okayĒ, rule? Or is the critical assumption that nothing will hurt because weíll trust that it isnít the intent to cause pain, or that somehow the pain is a good thing, or what? I donít get it at all when itís applied here? How much trust do you have for your spouse and how much do they trust you, and in what terms and to what degree under what circumstances?
lying and misdirection are never okay in my book. And are certainly NOT a rule... yes the pain of the truth is a good thing, because you move into it, experience it and then find ways to move out of it. you trust your partner entirely to speak with compassion, love, respect, and with words that don't harm, but make one reflect and be interested in working on whatever it is that needs working on.

I think that 22 years of lies and deceit is a very tough thing to get through and it won't happen over night. The first thing is for your wife to deprogram herself to believe that lying to you has been a good thing in your marriage. Just resigning yourself to being treated that way and treating others that way is a cop out. Of course you can go right ahead if you think that their is really nothing better for you in life, but I am hear to tell you that there is and you can have it if you work towards it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by atheist View Post
Maybe Iím more in love with my girlfriend than my wife, but thereís a huge security blanket Iíve got with my marriage...Iím using my wife as a safety net
Ah, there we go... this is where the complacency comes from perhaps... it sounds like it's just easier to take and use each other, than wonder why you are not as attracted to your wife any more or actually work on achieving an improved marriage. I would suggest that the fact that you and her have been lying to one another for years would indicate your lack of bond and connection. This new love is fresh and a clean slate. It's easy to love her, because things are in the open... its a pure love and uncluttered by deceit.

why would this woman want to leave her husband and go to a man that lies and is used to lying? It isn't attractive and a good foundation to a relationship.

having read to the end it seems that you are experiencing NRE and just have to breath and laugh at yourself a little for it. Nothing seems right when you are experiencing NRE. It's like being high or drunk. There is a chemical imbalance that dies down with time...

I do continue to suggest that in order to help make your wife feel more comfortable, that you work on some of these MAJOR issues that you have created in your marriage. If you intend to stay in your comfort zone than at least have the where with all to work on making it MORE comfortable.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 04-25-2010, 05:01 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,266
Default

Quote:
How can you not know you had an affair....?
RP-I had the same question. I didn't write it-because I just couldn't wrap my MIND around it.
There were a number of those moments. I figured if I just waited maybe more information would clear up some confusion?
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 04-25-2010, 05:04 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,872
Default

umm maybe they weren't entirely together, drugs, drinking etc...I can think of a few possibilities
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 04-26-2010, 05:15 PM
atheist atheist is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 3
Default

How can I not know whether or not I had an affair way back then? I used the wrong word. I did NOT have any affairs way back then, but I don't remember whether or not I had any "one night stands"...how I could forget them, if I did, which I *think* I probably did, your guess is as good as mine.

I'm still struggling with the whole "honesty" issue. Is there such a thing as "sharing too much", or is that part of what would be required for "total honesty and transparency? Isn't NOT telling something to someone for reasons of either shame or fearing it would hurt their feelings a form of lying, a lie of omission? If you don't "fess up" to something that you haven't been directly asked about, is it a lie, or is it only a lie if you if you've been asked a direct question. To respond with "it's none of your business", or, "I don't think it's any of your business", may be true, but isn't it still a "lie of omission" since you are keeping information hidden for whatever reason?

I have been accused of sharing way too much when asked questions, in large part because I never respond with "it's none of your business". For example, if my parents had ever asked me if I was sleeping around on my wife, I KNOW what they'd be asking was if I'd had any affairs or one night stands. While I don't believe it's really their business, I'd have responded with something along the lines of, "why do you ask and *if* I were, does that mean you think you need to involve yourself somehow into my marriage to "fix" what you believe for whatever reason is "broken""? My response is a deflection and is NOT an honest answer to their question. Does that mean it's a lie? Does that make the reply dishonest because I'm avoiding answering it truthfully? Where do you draw lines when it comes to "truthfulness"?

GRRR...out of time for now. I'll be back later for more.

I'll leave you with this for your viewing pleasure... http://abstrusegoose.com/99

Last edited by atheist; 04-26-2010 at 05:20 PM. Reason: addition
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 04-26-2010, 08:22 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,872
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by atheist View Post
How can I not know whether or not I had an affair way back then? I used the wrong word. I did NOT have any affairs way back then, but I don't remember whether or not I had any "one night stands"...how I could forget them, if I did, which I *think* I probably did, your guess is as good as mine.
Must have been awesome <sarc>

Quote:
I'm still struggling with the whole "honesty" issue. Is there such a thing as "sharing too much", or is that part of what would be required for "total honesty and transparency? Isn't NOT telling something to someone for reasons of either shame or fearing it would hurt their feelings a form of lying, a lie of omission? If you don't "fess up" to something that you haven't been directly asked about, is it a lie, or is it only a lie if you if you've been asked a direct question. To respond with "it's none of your business", or, "I don't think it's any of your business", may be true, but isn't it still a "lie of omission" since you are keeping information hidden for whatever reason?
With honesty, you need to understand your audience. Imo you don't walk around sharing everything. That said certain people deserve the chance at full disclosure. My wife gets the full shebang, if she is done or doesn't want to hear something she tells me. Maybe at some point she will flip the script and not want to hear about dates or flirting. But that would need to be discussed as we are used to full disclosure. You might want to figure out the hard fast rules in your relationship about how open you want to be.

Dates or potential dates or lovers...I am as open as I need to be with discretion. E, our ex, does not want it known she was with us. She is worried if we ever break up, that she will be blamed. So I keep that secret. I do let peolpe know about this other person and past partners. I am as open as I am comfortable without ever lying. If it is something deeply person I will simply not tell them. There are things in my history which people don't need to know unless they want to stick around for a while.

Quote:
I'll leave you with this for your viewing pleasure... http://abstrusegoose.com/99
haha...since this is about communication and trust, I would have simply told Pengrah the first one. She would appreciate it. And then go to the football game with me
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 04-26-2010, 09:50 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231
Default

Hi Atheist,

I'm a little late discovering this thread so I hope it's still "live".

I have to say that I think the way this whole situation has unfolded is neither uncommon nor as disastrous as it may sound/appear at first glance.

Quote:
Originally Posted by atheist View Post
I don’t know what to do about any of this. But I do know this; the most important thing to me right now, at this moment, is to get my wife to not hurt the way she’s hurting right now, believing that she’s no longer the person I love most.
In reality, I have a feeling you and your wife are actually in a much better position than many when the discovery of poly comes around. In a way, you (especially she) have been living it somewhat successfully for 22 (?) years. You seem happy together. Whatever is in the past is exactly that - in the past.

The first thing that's important for your wife to grasp is that "love" is NOT a competition ! There isn't a scoreboard. The [more than] / [less than] constructs belongs in the realm of mathematics
The ironic thing is - she already knows this ! She's been living it !
Love isn't a competition - it's just DIFFERENT between different individuals ! Maybe you just need to remind her of what she already knows ?
And it's different at different times and phases. The love between you and your wife is mature, strong, seasoned. Like fine wine. At this point with your girlfriend it's new, untested, exciting - AND confusing
No bigger or smaller - just different.
Make sense ?

Quote:
Originally Posted by atheist View Post
she didn’t want strangers to know anything or see what happened to her since she felt ashamed that she was no longer my number one in her opinion. I’ve offered to completely shut off the romantic/physical involvement with my girlfriend and substantially limit any contact with her, but my wife says that’s no good because the feelings won’t change, and that’s what has hurt her so badly.
Ashamed ? She should be ashamed of being ashamed !
But again we say there's no number anything. The connection between different individuals is always unique and special. And what you've built together over all these years can never be superseded or replaced by anyone else. It's just not how life is !

To both>>>>>> take a deep breath ! It's really ok. A NEW phase in your wonderful relationship. Travel it together !
And please tell her to feel free to jump in here, places like this, read, contribute, feel comfortable. In truth, I suspect she has her own little vial of wisdom that many could benefit from !

Hang in there and please keep us posted !

GS
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
affairs, cheating, married, new to poly, nre

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 02:30 AM.