Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 04-24-2010, 05:46 PM
southerndreams's Avatar
southerndreams southerndreams is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Nashville
Posts: 44
Unhappy How did you tell people?

My family doesn't know. not sure if telling my parents with them being sick is the best idea. I've told 5 of my friends, the ones I'm closest to. One is a bit shocked but will come around. we've been through enough to get through this. 2 pretty much called me the same things I've heard when I tell people I'm bi. I'm a slut, I'm greedy, I'm going to hell, I'm a bad person, I'm selfish. then the other 2 were so incredible. J never missed a beat saying he was going to support me. He said that he's pretty sure this will suit me as I have so much love that's just waiting to be let out. and M is apparently poly herself. She never told me because she wasn't sure how to. So she's telling me her story and we're bonding. My question: how do you deal with the people who refuse to support you or accept you for who you are?
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 04-24-2010, 06:39 PM
otter otter is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Redding CA
Posts: 44
Default

IMO
I do not think you should tell others. What goes on in in your love life is just between you and your lover/s. What folks think about it is there problem not yours.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 04-24-2010, 06:57 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,639
Default

Have you done a search on here for tagged threads about coming out? There are quite a few. Perhaps if you read the thread Mono started about our coming out story it would help? Its entitled "redpepper needs help."

I think there is merit to coming out, but wouldn't advice it in the throws of NRE. There is so much at stake then and the relationship is not on solid footing. I had to come out, but if I had it another way I would of waited until we were more established and comitted to our family, as we are now. If poly is your dating style and outsiders see you as a single person playing the field, then I would air on the side of letting them think that until such time as it becomes painfully obvious its more than that or there is someone, or someones worth talking about because you know they will be around for awhile. Mainsteam culture understands that better it seems. Length of time equals level of commitment.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog

Last edited by redpepper; 04-24-2010 at 07:38 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 04-24-2010, 07:06 PM
southerndreams's Avatar
southerndreams southerndreams is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Nashville
Posts: 44
Default

I wasn't aware that I could do a search like that. I'll do that now. I wanted to tell my closest friends. I needed to. these were people I thought I could open up to. I'm lucky that I have the 3 that will support me and now I have you guys

Last edited by redpepper; 04-24-2010 at 07:38 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 04-24-2010, 09:20 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,872
Default

Are you talking about coming out

"hey I am poly/open and accept other partners"

or

"hey this is bob, he is my secondary etc"

Officially I am open to almost everyone, most people know i am in an open relationship, even some (lets say 50%) of my family. I won't start talking about a potential partner until we are past that initial dating stage. Same when I was single, I did not introduce my family to gf's in the first part of the relationships then either.......

When my wife gets called a "slut"...she says thank you...as an fyi
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 04-24-2010, 09:46 PM
southerndreams's Avatar
southerndreams southerndreams is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Nashville
Posts: 44
Default

I may have to try the thank you thing. it's easy when it's a stranger...I can shrug it off. when it's someone that I've known for years, that has seen me at my worst, who KNOWS better...that's when it hurts. These were friends...people I trusted.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 04-24-2010, 10:08 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,872
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by southerndreams View Post
I may have to try the thank you thing. it's easy when it's a stranger...I can shrug it off. when it's someone that I've known for years, that has seen me at my worst, who KNOWS better...that's when it hurts. These were friends...people I trusted.
Being insulted like that can mean many things. If they are that self-riteous, thats great for them. But its usually jealousy or envy.

The girls might want to be like you...the guys maybe didn't like that they couldn't have you. Hopefully once they blow off some steam you can discuss it with them and work through the whys or even get an apology
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 04-24-2010, 11:27 PM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,397
Default

I am boldly honest.

But to answer how I deal with people who can't/won't accept me for who I am-the answer holds true through all areas of my life-not just polyamory.

I tell them I'm sorry if this is too much for them, they know where to find me if and when they change their mind.
Cry my tears over the loss of them if necessary and move on.

It really really really makes for a MUCH calmer-less dramatic life.

Right now I'm ULTRA frustrated with my boyfriends method of dealing with it. Because he tends to do the "how can I possibly convince you that it's ok..." stress-out followed by hours of typing, writing, calling, arguing, meeting for dinner ETC with them.

He's almost 3 years into a battle with his stepdad over our daughter and whether or not she's "an abomination". Primarily because his stepfather is a control freak, who is also religious and believes that the woman answers to her husband. I on the other hand happen to be a VERY independent woman who raised my first child for 6 years alone, dated a woman for a year during that time, doesn't regret it, is happily married after having had an affair, raising all 4 of my kids (2 are girls) to be independent, open-minded, self-motivated, critical thinkers.
He can't STAND that I don't bow down to his two cents every time he speaks-and I can't possibly simplify my thinking enough to be capable of doing that.

SO-by trying like mad to change people into accepting creatures-my boyfriend is making not only himself miserable, but also his girlfriend and his family (both our side and his parents/siblings too).

Whereas my way the only person who is miserable is the one who decided to walk away.......

I ALWAYS leave the opening to allow a person back in my life IF and WHEN they decide that dealing with ME for who I am is something that they can handle. But I try to respect people in general enough that I accept them leaving if they can't handle me and my life...
It just seems to work SO much better that way.

Quote:
Originally Posted by otter View Post
IMO
I do not think you should tell others. What goes on in in your love life is just between you and your lover/s. What folks think about it is there problem not yours.
While I agree that my sex life is no one's business but my own.
I have a husband and a boyfriend, we live together. I sleep with both of them. Telling NO ONE would mean my children would be TOTALLY confused and risk the probability that they would feel a need to EITHER tell daddy mommy was having an affair with GG OR "lie" to daddy to protect mommy... Neither of which is healthy or reasonable.
Telling them the truth allows them to comfortably learn that it's ok to love more than one person, but there is a right way to do that and a wrong way to do that. It also allows them the comfort of knowing that we (the adults) all know what we are all doing and it's ALL OK with us-no one is lying to one another. Which allows them to see in action the benefits of honesty.
Furthermore-telling them means that they talk. So we can't just NOT say anything to other people. When your two year old says, "mommy kisses GG like that. YUCKY!" giggling-you can't just blow it off so easy-then your friends and family think that you are lying and sneaking around behind your husband. It's not comfortable for HIM if they take him out to "tell him the bad news".
Better all around to just be upfront and honest.

THAT SAID-not everyone can SAFELY do so. But more often than not-if you read around the board; the ones you can't be honest and open about who they are tend to hate it. The ones who can be honest and open about who they are feel MUCH more comfortable and accepted in their life.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"

Last edited by NeonKaos; 04-25-2010 at 02:42 AM. Reason: merge posts
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 04-25-2010, 02:38 AM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Kansas City Metro
Posts: 2,186
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by southerndreams View Post
My question: how do you deal with the people who refuse to support you or accept you for who you are?
They quickly leave my life. More properly, I quickly escort them out of my life. I don't need them around, so I don't have them around.

My mother learned that lesson years ago. I walked away from her when she was being most disagreeable and simply had no contact with her. Months later, my brother approached me to tell me she wanted me to visit as she was sorry to have upset me. She's been just fine since then, despite getting crankier and more judgmental of other people in her old age.

I figure folks have to do right by me to be part of my life. If they choose otherwise, then I know they don't want to be part of my life.
__________________
When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 04-26-2010, 07:21 PM
vampiresscammy vampiresscammy is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Michigan, United States
Posts: 111
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by southerndreams View Post
My question: how do you deal with the people who refuse to support you or accept you for who you are?

simple answer - I don't, when it becomes obvious they can't handle the real me, then I simply either find the least painful quickest way to not have them in my life, or I assume the "glamour" I wore before opening up to them and simply "be whom they can accept me as" if its important enough to keep them in my life

but i have a good, large support of some key family and friends who accept me, and many years ago I made the decision to be as up front as possible, which usually goes like this "Hi I'm me, I'm married, bisexual, polyamorous." now, this new person can choose to appreciate my honesty and get to know me, or run screaming for the hills, but the ball is in their court. its quite refreshing to see how new people react to so bold an intro.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 06:47 AM.