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Old 08-09-2014, 10:58 PM
mischa mischa is offline
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Default Prosympathetic immunity

Going back and forth with my primary partner I've realized we need a principle, or norm, to place special protection against heartless criticism to people dear to our hearts, be it close friends or lovers. That is, I don't want to spoil/rot his relationships that he feels are important to him, and neither do I want him to do that with mine.

So I've come up with this principle that I'm just calling 'prosympathetic immunity', that when followed, will mean the primary partner must, in the worst case scenario, respectfully tolerate the other person in silence when they're present, in consideration to the wishes of the primary partner. Harsh criticism is not okay if they're present, so no one feels awkward or loathed, or relationships are damaged.

Has this strategy been mentioned somewhere before, does it have a name, or do you think it is effective?
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Old 08-10-2014, 12:14 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Ahem; well I tend to recommend people try to be nice to each other anyway ... but there is also the "radical honesty" school of thought. I suppose "prosympathetic immunity" as as good a term as any for what you have in mind.

If a close friend or lover causes you to want to criticize them harshly, isn't that an indicator that you're concerned about the influence they're having on your primary partner? Is it something you'd maybe want to discuss with your primary partner when the close friend or lover isn't around?

I mean you can voice concerns if you have them, can't you? as long as you do it discreetly?
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Old 08-10-2014, 08:55 PM
JessicaBurde JessicaBurde is offline
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One of my boundaries is that my partners need to be civil with each other if they can't at least be polite they aren't someone I want to be in a relationship with anyway. This isn't a rule between me and anyone else, it is my boundary in terms of what I will accept in a relationship.

IMO, if you and your primary have such strong issues w/ eachother's relationships that you need to put a rule like this in place, then there are probably some deeper issues going on. What is it about eachother's friends/loves that would make you want to say harshly critical things in the first place? Are you both bad at partner selection? Are there jealousy issues cropping up?

Prosympathetic immunity thing is a stop-gap to prevent whatever issues there are from turning into major fights and unpleasantness, but it doesn't address the issues. To steal from Franklin Veaux, time to dig down to the roots.
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Old 10-29-2014, 05:22 AM
dany500 dany500 is offline
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As I would like to think, on the off chance that you and your essential have such solid issues with one another's connections that you have to put a tenet like this set up, then there are most likely some deeper issues going on. What is it about one another's companions/adores that would make you need to say brutally discriminating things in any case? It is safe to say that you are both awful at accomplice determination.
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