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  #241  
Old 07-07-2014, 07:40 PM
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sage sage is offline
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Hi gorgeous kitten

Quite the opposite in a way. My partner is poly and after years of trying to be really comfortable with it while remaining mono I tried poly myself but it has never worked in the same way for me. I find it difficult to manage the emotions and I also find that most men don't really take me seriously. So I'm edging back towards mono, although either label doesn't really fit me anymore.

I'm chatting with a guy who wants to have a BDSM relationship with me and believes he can teach me compersion. Interesting concept. We'll see

Sage
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  #242  
Old 07-07-2014, 09:04 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Originally Posted by sage View Post
Hi gorgeous kitten

Quite the opposite in a way. My partner is poly and after years of trying to be really comfortable with it while remaining mono I tried poly myself but it has never worked in the same way for me. I find it difficult to manage the emotions and I also find that most men don't really take me seriously. So I'm edging back towards mono, although either label doesn't really fit me anymore.

I'm chatting with a guy who wants to have a BDSM relationship with me and believes he can teach me compersion. Interesting concept. We'll see

Sage
Well best of luck to you! I could see myself MAYBE being someone open but poly just doesn't work for me...I cant balance all the emotions and really I have a tendency to be so deeply into someone I can not do that to more than one.
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  #243  
Old 07-14-2014, 11:09 PM
epiphany epiphany is offline
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The fact is that I did this because my wife is worth sharing. I would not do it for anyone else.
Wow...such a beautiful thing to say...I read this last night and have been thinking about it all day...in the emotional place I am right now with so much changing after so many years... these words really reached me and helped me put some things in perspective about Master and His new interest...

thank you

~epiphany
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  #244  
Old 07-15-2014, 08:40 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Wow...such a beautiful thing to say...I read this last night and have been thinking about it all day...in the emotional place I am right now with so much changing after so many years... these words really reached me and helped me put some things in perspective about Master and His new interest...

thank you

~epiphany
It was a beautiful thing to say however you might want to read the whole file on that case. He's divorced from her and he might want to amend that or give the motivation to why and how he wrote that back then.
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  #245  
Old 07-23-2014, 02:16 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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struggling poly turned mono is more like it for me I guess. We started poly, cause we were married, I never ever ever wanted to 'share' him. now we are bothing divorcing....and he wont close. I can see in his face how much he loves me, hes open to a future with me as domestic (possibly married partners)....

But NOW...right now...we both live with our estranged spouses, we have no set plans for the future....and the idea of him with other women makes me physically ill. The other night he said he wouldn't start having sex with other people until September rolls around and I burst into tears. I suffer from anxiety, and feeling insecure and unstable is a big trigger. one of the hardest ones I can reign back in.
I asked him if we could stay open for 6 months and then close the relationship and work on our future. He;s thinking about it. Everyone tells me this is wrong and selfish of me and if I cant take poly than just leave.

I don't want to leave. How could I feel secure with him with out our being married, living together, sharing some other aspect besides "hey I love you"? I have nothing to look at as tethering us together to give me the assurance he wont leave, or give me reason to wrestle with my own insecurities about him and (gulp) other women.
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  #246  
Old 07-23-2014, 02:46 PM
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I would like to point this out, gently, because after my divorce I was in a place much like you are - grasping at anything that could help me feel more secure:

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Originally Posted by gorgeouskitten View Post
How could I feel secure with him with out our being married, living together, sharing some other aspect besides "hey I love you"? I have nothing to look at as tethering us together to give me the assurance he wont leave
Yet you and your husband are divorcing, and he and his wife are divorcing. My marriage of 17 years fell apart as well.

Having a piece of paper with a road map on it doesn't mean it's going to happen. I like to think that the blank piece of paper I have (with some suggested scribbles here and there) is at least more honest than the "road map" and plans I had in my marriage that just didn't hold true.

Look at it this way... your BF stuck with you while he was married, through all the difficulties and stress you BOTH are going through at the end of your marriages, and he's STILL willing to give this a shot even though you'd like him to close up the relationship (effectively changing the rules midstream). He's already proving that he wants to stay, just not in the way you're asking him to.

I sympathize, GK. I went through a lot of big emotions and insecurities when my marriage ended. I'd realized that there was a lot of learned helplessness that grew out of my marriage, and some codependency to boot. I glommed onto Chops HARD, and I think it made the whole road into a poly relationship much more difficult (especially being a "Quality Time" person and really craving that time together over anything else).

Chops and I both believe that it'd have been better for me AND our early relationship if I'd just taken 6 months to a year off and been alone for a while. However, we like to do things in the most difficult way possible (and to be honest, I think a lot of the talking and soul-searching we did in the beginning helped make us strong anyway).

Anyway, my point was that "tethering" didn't work for you and your spouse, and didn't work for him and his spouse. Why not see what CAN work in the context of what you have, instead of trying to go from one marriage right into another?
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Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 14; and PokéGirl, 11), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In a relationship with Chops. Dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In a relationship with Chops.

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
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  #247  
Old 07-23-2014, 02:55 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Originally Posted by YouAreHere View Post
I would like to point this out, gently, because after my divorce I was in a place much like you are - grasping at anything that could help me feel more secure:



Yet you and your husband are divorcing, and he and his wife are divorcing. My marriage of 17 years fell apart as well.

Having a piece of paper with a road map on it doesn't mean it's going to happen. I like to think that the blank piece of paper I have (with some suggested scribbles here and there) is at least more honest than the "road map" and plans I had in my marriage that just didn't hold true.

Look at it this way... your BF stuck with you while he was married, through all the difficulties and stress you BOTH are going through at the end of your marriages, and he's STILL willing to give this a shot even though you'd like him to close up the relationship (effectively changing the rules midstream). He's already proving that he wants to stay, just not in the way you're asking him to.

I sympathize, GK. I went through a lot of big emotions and insecurities when my marriage ended. I'd realized that there was a lot of learned helplessness that grew out of my marriage, and some codependency to boot. I glommed onto Chops HARD, and I think it made the whole road into a poly relationship much more difficult (especially being a "Quality Time" person and really craving that time together over anything else).

Chops and I both believe that it'd have been better for me AND our early relationship if I'd just taken 6 months to a year off and been alone for a while. However, we like to do things in the most difficult way possible (and to be honest, I think a lot of the talking and soul-searching we did in the beginning helped make us strong anyway).

Anyway, my point was that "tethering" didn't work for you and your spouse, and didn't work for him and his spouse. Why not see what CAN work in the context of what you have, instead of trying to go from one marriage right into another?
Thanks so much YAH, really wonderful advice and very useful. thanks for being gentle. We are both coming out of codependent relationships, where we were both the 'care giver' spouse. He now feels he doesn't want to be "obligated" to anyone. I feel I want someone else to take control and take care of me for a change. I dohold on hard, very hard. Im trying not to suffocate him.

I should take time alone, but I wont. cause im difficult and stubborn and overly tenacious. Its a beautiful character trait and a flaw that I see what I want and then I make it mine. and 99% of the time it works. Ive gotten vain and cocky. I get my way...you know? Its good he sticks up for himself...cause I KNOW, I have the power to steam roll him into monagomy just by who we both are. Im strong, assertive, a little domineering, but offset it by being very loving and affectionate and caring. He is also those last three things, but he is quiet, slow to action, and lacks confidence.
I've always said we are like coffee and ice cream. An unexpected combo, but it goes well together. I just often run into almost melting him in my intensity....
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  #248  
Old 07-23-2014, 02:57 PM
KerryRen KerryRen is offline
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Originally Posted by gorgeouskitten View Post
I don't want to leave. How could I feel secure with him with out our being married, living together, sharing some other aspect besides "hey I love you"? I have nothing to look at as tethering us together to give me the assurance he wont leave, or give me reason to wrestle with my own insecurities about him and (gulp) other women.
Either you trust that he will stay with you, and love you, or you don't. A marriage certificate won't change that; if he's going to leave you, it merely complicates the process. If he's committed to you, then he is, and a marriage certificate is merely symbolic confirmation. It is certainly no maker nor guarantor of exclusivity.

If you need exclusivity to make you feel secure and happy, then yes, you need to seek that out. But you may not find that with him, if it's not within him to be monogamous.
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  #249  
Old 10-15-2014, 05:31 PM
findinganswers findinganswers is offline
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Default so new, and in despreate need of comforting.

after 7 years of being together, my husband and I recently got married. I am mono, he is poly he admits now. we are Christian and I told him that he could start searching slowly and help me be eased into it. he took the whole leash and posted a huge wide net to get anyone to give him attention. he posted about being dominate and needing a little good girl to sit as his feet and worship him, Tha he wants to sexually dominate someone and tie them up, gag them, extremely kinky stuff. in moSt of his post I am hardly mentioned and when I am I am put out to sound like an unattentive wife, (to clarify, I recently graduated college and have a full time job to support us and build a house for us, he hasn't worked in several years because of depression and a little sickness) I hate working and do not want to be, but we literally wouldn't survive if I didnt, he has no car and just a few friends. I've been trying for 6 years to get him to be happier by showing him the future holds so much for us. our house is almost done.. anywa,. I found these post when I was searching for us too. he was commenting on nasty pictures of girls licking themselves and saying things like dream come true, let me help. I confronted him, he said he crossed the line. but it totally changed everything I see about him. which is so hard. I don't even want to be posting this.


before he had always talked about a casual girlfriend for us to spend time with but now we are married and I recently found out through some of his post, behind my back in a way, that he wants to have a whole second wife and his dream is to have both of his wives pregnant at the same time so we can see two bellies together.

we have no children yet, and we have been looking for less then 6 months for a serious person to bring into ourlives. at that point I didn't know he wanted children who someone else. it seems like we can't start our family together until we find him another perfect woman.

I am destroyed and overwhelemed. and about to go pick up a woman we've been talking to for a week for our first date. she has already asked me about sleeping arrangements.

this is all happening so fast, with very little communication and no boundaries habe been asked to be set and I haven't been asked how I feel. she asked if I was comfortable with the situation, I lied some because when I say no and he knows his depression is 10x what it is when we are searcing. he tells her I'm fine with it, that I won't be mad at him, that it won't hurt me, I'm just nervous. when, when I am at home and work I am sobbing uncontrollably at having to think of sharing the expierence of a child with another woman. and my whole life.

he says all I dwell on is the sexual aspect of this, buthe even though that's a huge part and special part and I am currently disgusted with he thoughts of him making love to me then someone else right after when we are trying for children. I know he won't leave me, and he says he needs me to embrace this and needs me to want it, because his dreams won't happen with me. he is very frustrated though when I can't stop thinking of sharing every little special thing in our lives, he asked me to talk and tell him, yesterday I told him and his eyes instantly filled with hate later he apologized but, it was there.


apprently, they have already talked about the baby thing. it so fast, and I am crumbling. she nice, I guess I should be thankful.

i need major help, advice and comfort please. until I will continue to pray. i am sorry for my rant, I am just so confused. we have a great relationship, this is like the only thing we ever fight about. I just wanted to see him happy and secure with me, before we started looking.

I am sorry. I just can't stop crying and this is where I've come.
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  #250  
Old 10-15-2014, 06:43 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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(to clarify, I recently graduated college and have a full time job to support us and build a house for us, he hasn't worked in several years because of depression and a little sickness) I hate working and do not want to be, but we literally wouldn't survive if I didnt, he has no car and just a few friends. I've been trying for 6 years to get him to be happier by showing him the future holds so much for us.
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even though that's a huge part and special part and I am currently disgusted with he thoughts of him making love to me then someone else right after when we are trying for children
Whoa! Back up, and slow down. Now is definitely the time to be thinking of children - put that on indefinite hold. Is he seeing a therapist for his depression? Is he actively looking for work? That you have been "trying" for 6 years to get him to be happier is a huge RED FLAG!

That he wants a submissive to cater to his kinks is not in and of itself a problem, but that he wants to PRETEND to be a dominant when he can't or won't hold down a job is what I find disturbing. It's fine to fantasize about getting two women pregnant, but who is he expecting to support these children when he has no job? Frankly no man in his right mind would even dream of living with more than one pregnant women at a time - basically all the PMS emotions for 12-18 months x 2 . Clearly he is in need of therapy.

You need to take some steps to protect yourself financially, legally and if there is ANY chance he has been cheating get tested for STDs. Sorry you are going through this.
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