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  #91  
Old 06-14-2014, 03:23 AM
GreenMom GreenMom is offline
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Had a lovely date with G last night. God the chemistry is burning so bright I can't wait until we can fully indulge it. Have plans for a group movie outing next week, and then to attend a bdsm event together on Saturday. I'm excited.

I'm confusing myself writing this blog with the letters for my partners, so I'm working on nicknames.

I have a topic I really want to write about but I think I am too tired tonight. Ah well. To be continued!
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"This, too, is sacred."
Mamoru: my bf. Sadist: my fwb.
Val & Smurf: Mamoru's gf's. Math: Val's husband. Teddy: Val's bf. TG: Smurf's bf. Mint: Math's gf. Rye: Mint's husband. Pandora: Sadist's gf. Indigo: Mamoru's play partner. Arthur: Indigo's husband.
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  #92  
Old 06-16-2014, 11:30 PM
GreenMom GreenMom is offline
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Friday night I had a date with a girl I've been friends with for about a year, M. When we first met, I had asked her out, and she (I thought) she no. I found out a couple months back in talking to her, she didn't realize I was asking her out. Obviously, I've gotten less subtle since then. :P It was a really good time and we're going to see each other again as "dates" instead of "friends" and see where it goes.

Saturday afternoon, A joined my sister and her hubby and I for a gaming night, and then we had a very explosive night together. We had so many huge issues hanging over us the past few months. Now that they are all resolved it was so much better spending time together. All the strain was gone, all the affection was back. We can't see each other often, but I am looking forward to the next time we can carve out of our busy lives.
__________________
"This, too, is sacred."
Mamoru: my bf. Sadist: my fwb.
Val & Smurf: Mamoru's gf's. Math: Val's husband. Teddy: Val's bf. TG: Smurf's bf. Mint: Math's gf. Rye: Mint's husband. Pandora: Sadist's gf. Indigo: Mamoru's play partner. Arthur: Indigo's husband.
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  #93  
Old 06-27-2014, 09:42 PM
GreenMom GreenMom is offline
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Time for a rant.

I am SO FUCKING SICK of being good enough to fuck, good enough to engage in BDSM play with, hell, even good enough to date casually, but too much work and/or not worth an actual committment.

In other words, my breakup from a month a go is really hitting me hard since the whole "oh yeah we'll still talk all the time and be friends" is not happening at all, leaving me to question if he ever cared about me at all or if I was just the hot bi babe to be with him and his gf until she decided she didn't want to be with a girl.

I kind of want to die. I'm so fucking sick of being alone. I guess my doc needs to adjust my meds again. And I made it five whole weeks without suicidal thoughts. Fuck this shit. I give up on trying. I'm just gonna fuck who I think is hot and stop trying to date when no one wants to date me anyway.
__________________
"This, too, is sacred."
Mamoru: my bf. Sadist: my fwb.
Val & Smurf: Mamoru's gf's. Math: Val's husband. Teddy: Val's bf. TG: Smurf's bf. Mint: Math's gf. Rye: Mint's husband. Pandora: Sadist's gf. Indigo: Mamoru's play partner. Arthur: Indigo's husband.
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  #94  
Old 07-10-2014, 02:08 AM
GreenMom GreenMom is offline
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Had a wonderful group outing last weekend that included G, K, and two other folks. It was a rather poly-cestuous bunch, heh. G's poly-vee (G, K, U), me, and U's other partner, R. Good times were had by all. G and I got some time to ourselves as well which was nice to just cuddle and talk. And yeah... chemistry still abounds.

I got together with K for dinner last Monday. She is the best metamour ever. She always asks me how I'm doing with things and seems genuinely happy that I am having such a good with on my dates with G. She is quickly becoming a dear friend and I am really glad I have her in my life.

I've been feeling really down lately so I wanted to take the time to write a short happy post just so I can remember that despite all the b.s. I am dealing with right now, I do have bright spots, I do have people who care about me.
__________________
"This, too, is sacred."
Mamoru: my bf. Sadist: my fwb.
Val & Smurf: Mamoru's gf's. Math: Val's husband. Teddy: Val's bf. TG: Smurf's bf. Mint: Math's gf. Rye: Mint's husband. Pandora: Sadist's gf. Indigo: Mamoru's play partner. Arthur: Indigo's husband.
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  #95  
Old 07-23-2014, 01:34 AM
GreenMom GreenMom is offline
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A & B have almost completely withdrawn from me. Everything I see of them shows how blissfully happy they are with each other, flirting with new women, setting up play dates. They seem to be putting zero to no effort into maintaining a friendship with me. This saddens me greatly. I did truly love them both (and still do, since sadly I can't turn off feelings that easily), and I am starting to believe they never loved me. They seem too damn happy without me to care about me.

I decided today I can't do it. I can't keep trying to maintain those friendships when they so obviously aren't trying at all. I am going to put my energy into friendships that are reciprocated equally. It breaks my heart all over again but I just don't know what else to do. I am deeply saddened that friendship with me is less prioritized than the new and shiny bi babes they are snagging, but, hey... I guess it shows me how I rate.

I'm really glad I'm in therapy, and have poly friends I can talk to. This is breaking me apart. And it stops now. I can't keep doing this to myself. I'm not going to be a bitch and make some big declaration. I'm just going to stop putting myself out there with them.

In less depressing news, I went to a large bdsm con last weekend and had a lot of fun.

I had a great date with G last Monday, and another this Thursday, so I'm excited for that.

I'm seeing M on Saturday, as well as G, and K, so I'm excited about that.

It's time to focus on the loving people I have in my life instead of the ones who have given up on me.
__________________
"This, too, is sacred."
Mamoru: my bf. Sadist: my fwb.
Val & Smurf: Mamoru's gf's. Math: Val's husband. Teddy: Val's bf. TG: Smurf's bf. Mint: Math's gf. Rye: Mint's husband. Pandora: Sadist's gf. Indigo: Mamoru's play partner. Arthur: Indigo's husband.
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  #96  
Old 10-23-2014, 02:22 AM
GreenMom GreenMom is offline
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Holy moly is my polycule convoluted. LOL
I attemped to summarize the group in my signature and my head is now spinning!

Things with Mamoru are going amazingly well. We've had some fantastic talks the last few weeks about our relationship, our relationships (or potential for) with others, as well as some good shared downtime, snuggling and reading books, eating pizza and geeking out over superhero movies. Very good things there.

However since he mentioned a new interest to me last Saturday I have been struggling with feelings of jealousy. I'll call her Indigo. She is married, and not looking for a relationship, she is looking for a kinky play partner since her hubby isn't into that. Mamoru told me that three gf's has him at poly-saturated, but he's attracted to her and interested in playing. Logically I know his attraction to her has NOTHING to do with me. But watching them flirt all over FB and FL is hard. I'm trying to be all compersive and happy for him that he gets a sexy new playmate. He's doing everything right. He communicated with me, he assured me that this isn't going to be a "the gf(s) get shoved aside for new interest" sort of thing in terms of one-on-one time or kink events. So this jealousy? It's ALL me, and it's all with my insecurities. She's gorgeous. She's younger than me, she has a far better body than me, and I am really struggling to stop comparing myself to her.

He is in love with me. No matter how many other romantic and/or play relationships he takes on, that won't change. But a girl's allowed some insecurities, right? I'm not taking this to him. Each time I have the feelings I am stopping to examine them and try to figure out what I feel that way, and using a tool I learned in therapy and flipping the statements from the self deprecating ones to honest ones.

I will see Sadist at the event this Saturday. Ever since he told me that his gf is uncomfortable around me, I've backed off. But I miss him. I miss our friendship. I am hoping I can talk to him a bit on Saturday and see if that has settled down.

I got some really unsettling (but not unexpected) news about a month ago: I have hsv2. I've never had a break out, but I was involved with someone who had it, and fluid bonded with them, so, yeah. I have been beyond thrilled with Mamoru's reaction to the news. I have gone on antiviral meds, and after I've been on them a full month, we will introduce PiV and PiA sex into our relationship, with barriers in place. That makes me very happy. While I feel we have been enjoying a very passionate and creative sex life, I have been missing the more "traditional" things.

The hsv2 added to the hpv I got from my cheating ex-husband has made me basically stop dating at this point. Even though the hpv is the one that can cause cancer, the hsv2 really seems to worry people much more, which is a bit confusing to me, but I respect folks concerns about personal safety. It would be nice to get back out in the dating field again but I'm just not ready to have to have the disclosure talk again - I've already had it with Mamoru, Sadist, and Val (and between Mamoru and Val, everyone else in our polycule has been made aware, as has Sadist's gf) - and I'm still feeling vulnerable and tarnished.

The support from everyone has been amazing, but it's still hard not to feel very negative. I feel foolish and stupid for the previous fluid bonding decision, knowing that I may never get the chance to fluid bond with anyone again. I feel dirty (and not in that "ooh, dirty!" sexy way). Which I guess makes sense, since folks say they are "clean" if they are STI free. It's been a lot to process and I am just really grateful that I have had support during this time.

Enough rambling for now. I need to journal more often. I don't really have any poly friends I am close enough to confide in that aren't part of my polycule, and sometimes it's nice to talk outside the group, even if it's talking to a journal thread read by passers by on the internet.
__________________
"This, too, is sacred."
Mamoru: my bf. Sadist: my fwb.
Val & Smurf: Mamoru's gf's. Math: Val's husband. Teddy: Val's bf. TG: Smurf's bf. Mint: Math's gf. Rye: Mint's husband. Pandora: Sadist's gf. Indigo: Mamoru's play partner. Arthur: Indigo's husband.
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  #97  
Old 10-26-2014, 11:55 PM
GreenMom GreenMom is offline
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This weekend was a mixture of good times and emotionally heavy processing.

On Saturday, Mamoru and I had plans for some one-on-one talk and snuggle time before the group dinner and bdsm event. When I got there, the house was full of people! I wasn't upset but I was really surprised. And I was disappointed that we didn't get more than 5 minutes to talk, and I spent that 5 minutes exploding with insecurity at him. Not one of my finer moments.

Dinner was nice and uneventful. The bdsm event was intense in many ways. I got to play with Val, which was nice because I had been worrying she had an issue with me. I got to play with Mamoru which was nice because... well it's always nice. I even got to play with Sadist, after we had a talk about where things are at (his gf has requested we stop having sex and just engage in bdsm play for now). The rough part of the evening was my jealousy issues and getting called out on it.

I'm having so much trouble watching Mamoru and Indigo. Which is weird cause watching him with Val and Smurf doesn't phase me at all. I'm not sure why I am reacting so strongly to this. I think because I am watching the new and shiny phase, and I'm also feeling so insecure about my recent STI status update. But listening to him talk about all their text conversations when getting him to reply to texts is always a struggle? watching him perv on her pics from the bdsm event and text with her right after we get out of bed in the morning? It's hard. It's really fucking hard. I'm trying SO hard to force compersion and to remind myself that his attraction to her doesn't negate his feelings for me or attraction to me. The new and shiny will wear off in time.

During the bdsm event, when Mamoru and Indigo went off to play, Val looked at me and basically said "spill". She then proceeded to have a very difficult talk with me. She called me out of my jealousy and informed me that my neediness/insecurity in light of the STI results was putting way too much strain on Mamoru, and that I needed to lighten up and stop putting so much on him. I thought I was doing a better job of balancing things so I was pretty shattered. By the end of the talk I felt like I was the worst girlfriend ever, and I told Val as much. I cried for most the conversation. I'm still dwelling on it today. I did talk with Mamoru briefly (unfortunately on text, not in person, because of how busy today was) and took Val's advice, telling him flat out that I am aware of and grateful for all he does for me, reminding him my depression has nothing to do with him, that my issues are in my head and he is doing everything right (which is quite true). I also told him I would back off on the sex stuff and was sorry I put so much pressure on him. I have really been focused on that. I feel bad about it but also feel like it's a pretty human reaction. PiV is one of my favorite things and I just don't get it anymore. The only partner I've had that with the last five months was Sadist, and that was only two brief post-beating occasions.

It's frustrating watching my polycule all have the freedom to fuck and suck each other and being left to just toys. I know it's because of stupid choices I made (fluid bonding with an hsv2 positive man) coming home to roost, but... it's so hard. I have to be so careful in bed, which means staying in my head instead of fully letting go and enjoying. I have to keep reminding myself, no, don't suck his cock. No, don't climb on and ride.

I get that poly isn't all about sex. But physical intimacy is very important to me. I do very much enjoy what Mamoru and I have been doing. I just want more... and now I feel completely ashamed and awful for having been vocal about that desire.

I really think I need to find another partner. Maybe it would help if I wasn't focusing all my romantic and sexual energies on one man. The other man I was interested in started dating Val. That caused his primary to flip out and they have agreed that he won't date anyone else except her and Val. The other men I meet I am interested in are mono, and I'm not willing to give up the relationship I have, the play partners I have, or anything, for the possibility of something new.

I just wish I could find a balance. I'm told to advocate for my needs. I feel like that's what I've been doing, and then I'm told I'm putting too much out there and causing my love stress.

I just want to feel normal again and not afraid I will infect everyone around me. I want to be able to do what feels natural in bed instead of being terrified of crossing boundaries. Hell I've been wishing I still was in touch with A, since he gave me the disease, I'd be able to fuck him with no worries.

Guess I'll stop here... I'm just repeating myself now and throwing myself an internet pity party.
__________________
"This, too, is sacred."
Mamoru: my bf. Sadist: my fwb.
Val & Smurf: Mamoru's gf's. Math: Val's husband. Teddy: Val's bf. TG: Smurf's bf. Mint: Math's gf. Rye: Mint's husband. Pandora: Sadist's gf. Indigo: Mamoru's play partner. Arthur: Indigo's husband.
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  #98  
Old 10-27-2014, 11:36 PM
GreenMom GreenMom is offline
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Well, I completely lost my shit today on Mamoru. He saw Indigo again today and I lost it with jealousy. They see each other almost every day. I'm lucky with once a week. I know it's logistics - we live an hour apart, they live 10 minutes apart. I know he loves me. I know he's not going to replace me with her. But I am so fucking jealous of all the time she gets compared to what I get.

I find myself hoping he doesn't talk to Val and Indigo about my losing my shit but I am sure he will, which means they will have further reason to be annoyed with me. I'm still mentally stinging from the "talk" Val had with me Saturday night. Now today I did more of what she told me I need to stop doing.

I am feeling like nothing more than a problem. Mamoru treats me so well and I keep on letting my insecurity control me.

I wish it had an off switch. I wish I could just feel happy for him that he has a new friend. I wish I could feel confident of my place in his life and heart. He has done nothing to make me feel this way. It is all in my head. The polycule keep telling me I can talk and vent and they will support me. But I feel like I am too needy and too annoying.

Glad I have this space on the net to just write things out, feel like I am "heard", yet be completely apart from my local community.
__________________
"This, too, is sacred."
Mamoru: my bf. Sadist: my fwb.
Val & Smurf: Mamoru's gf's. Math: Val's husband. Teddy: Val's bf. TG: Smurf's bf. Mint: Math's gf. Rye: Mint's husband. Pandora: Sadist's gf. Indigo: Mamoru's play partner. Arthur: Indigo's husband.
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