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Old 07-18-2014, 10:09 PM
healwar healwar is offline
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Default Developing an Understanding

Today one of my girlfriends cut all ties with me. She's not polyamorous, so it's for the better for her. She wanted me to end it with my girlfriend of mostly-on and sometimes-off six years, the woman pregnant with my child.

And I won't leave her. I can't. I'm a good man and she's a good woman, and I love her very, very much. And, what's more, I don't want to leave her.

So my second girlfriend, of two years, is turning her back on me because she wants monogamy. I'll never understand how a relationship structure can take precedence over the people who are in it. By her own admission she may never be happy without what we share... But she is willing to abandon the passionate, effortless love we've developed, struggled for, and ultimately enjoyed above all else, for a sorrow-filled loneliness, because I cannot promise my heart to only her.

She will never understand that when she fell in love with me, she fell in love with the love of my first girlfriend, a love I carry in my heart. A love that permeates everything I do. She would not love the man I would be without her. I would be a shell of the man she has proudly held onto. And, what's more, I could only pretend not to be in love with either one of them.

In all of this I am beginning to see the differences between myself and monogamous others. It's not that I sought out this love. I am of the sort that I don't NEED to be with two women. I am just open to the higher love when I feel it. I have no choice but to be. This is the only honest life for me. And it's beginning to seem to me that, with most monogamous people, the importance lies more with the physical actions than the desires of the heart. Have all the unrequieted love you must, but your body belongs to me, and the extent to which you are allowed to express the love you feel is at my sole discretion, not yours.

I am free to feel how I feel, I just can't act how I feel. I can, however, hold it in until it rots inside me like a malignant tumor, all for the sake of love....

Losing her love has already put a strain on my other relationship. I haven't seen either of them in three days. I'm broken-hearted and it hurts to feel. I'm left searching within myself for the strength and courage her love gave me, and trying to pack what little I can find into the gaping hole she left.

And I have to respect that she can't choose to be polyamorous any more than I can choose to be homosexual. No matter how much we love one another I am not capable of giving her what she needs. She needs monogamy above all else, and I'll never, ever be able to relate to that. She would always say, "If I was having sex with someone else you wouldn't be okay with that!" And my answer would always be the same: "If you love him, and you're honest with us, and it doesn't jeopardize the love we share, what is there to worry about?"

So I'll let go of the hope she'll return, and replace it with the hope that as I heal I won't become callous.

And the hope she can find what she needs in someone else.

I get it. We just don't love the same.

I feel like I'm bleeding out.
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Old 07-18-2014, 10:10 PM
healwar healwar is offline
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A bit indignant, but it helps me cope....
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Old 07-19-2014, 01:43 PM
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MusicalRose MusicalRose is offline
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Your post really spoke to me. I may ultimately end up losing my husband for a similar reason.

He very much wants a hierarchical, strict primary type of relationship with me, a relationship he can hold above all others and that his partner will also hold above all others, with maybe people on the side from time to time. This is not the type of relationship model I will agree to, as I am more and more identifying as a relationship anarchist generally.

We already share an apartment (for two years now) and have cats together. I spend most of my time with him and we have gotten married, etc. But he still feels like he wants something more, so he is currently exploring within himself whether he needs to leave me to find what he really wants.

I'm sorry you are hurting and that you have to go through this. I also struggle to understand why a structure is more important than the love and the people, but the best way I can express my love to him is let him be free to explore his own desires, dreams, and reasons and not try to hold him back from doing that even if I feel like he is making the wrong decision or if it hurts me.

*hugs*
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Me: Female, pansexual, polyamorous, relationship anarchist
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Old 07-19-2014, 10:12 PM
healwar healwar is offline
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Thank you so much for saying that. Up until I found this site I really didn't know anyone who could relate to what I'm going through.

Hang in there and keep your chin up things will work out.
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