Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 04-21-2010, 09:52 PM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 4,815
Default

Pages 121-152.... Thought I'd add that in case you could find a "see a specific page" detail somewhere (sometimes Amazon has that feature for books).



Good luck!
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 04-21-2010, 11:31 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,632
Default

We had a whole set of rules laid out at the beginning of our relationship... They worked for the time they were in and were helpful. Check the first posts I had on here a year ago. There was a lot on boundaries I believe. We made our own up and asked each other how we would feel about things we might enjoy... it was a good test to see what we were comfortable with and not. It seemed that a lot of them lost their power just by talking about them.

Some of them were important and we stuck with them, but they were more general like "please text me after midnight on a weekday if you are going to be out much longer, because I worry about you." Not specific, but more about safety in the middle of the night than anything else... I think we got to that one when talking about when it was okay to stay over night or something...

Another is that I would like to know who my partners are including in their lives. I would like to meet them before they become more than friends. This is a given now and not really a rule, it's just respectful and fulfills my need to feel comfortable and respected. Nerdist does this because he wants me to feel comfortable.

I guess that a lot of the rules and boundaries we had and have now are just the way we live rather than stuff we talk about all the time. We got to know each other in the sense of a poly lifestyle and then could drop any language around it all.... I will ask and so will he if there is an uncomfortable gut feeling... going with the gut is always the best idea... checking in is always the best idea... sticking to what you have agreed to is always the best idea in our relationships... and then letting it all just "be."
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 04-22-2010, 01:53 AM
ksandra's Avatar
ksandra ksandra is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Ontario
Posts: 78
Default

Safe sex is madatory, the only major rules my partner and I have are related to that. For example let each other know if something like the condom breaks and take a shower if you are going from being with one partner to the next (I have a bit of a weak immune system). Other than that we each try to have one thing that is "special" to each of us for the moment, though we are going to try to relax this as we gain more experience. For example, at the moment there are no overnight dates for either of us and we are to check in when we get home.
But I agree with the other posts, there are no permanent rules and the ones that are agreed on at the beginning of a relationship are often relaxed as things progress and comfort levels increase.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 04-22-2010, 03:55 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Derbylicious View Post
I would agree except when it comes to rules about safe sex. I think those rules can be hard and fast and discussed ahead of time.

-Derby
Good point Derby,

One would HOPE that even that would fall under awareness (and education).
I guess "be smart & safe" is a good rule for navigating life if one needs a rule

GS
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 04-22-2010, 04:07 PM
Derbylicious's Avatar
Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Victoria BC
Posts: 1,604
Default

That would be the nurse in me making it's appearance
__________________
Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok it's not the end.
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 04-22-2010, 04:27 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,632
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Derbylicious View Post
That would be the nurse in me making it's appearance
Nurse derby... Mmm, there's a thought! Tee hee
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 04-22-2010, 05:01 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,828
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Nurse derby... Mmm, there's a thought! Tee hee
What was it mono said...like a moth to light hahaha...
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 04-22-2010, 05:04 PM
Derbylicious's Avatar
Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Victoria BC
Posts: 1,604
Default

Hmmm sounds like it might be costume time
__________________
Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok it's not the end.
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 04-25-2010, 09:21 PM
WalksThroughFire35 WalksThroughFire35 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 16
Default

Thanks for all the feedback.

I too agree that rules can be like a false sense of security ... but they do also establish boundaries. I am new to all of this and I have to figure out what I am okay with and what I am not okay with. If she is to only give her love to me ... what does that look like in the bedroom? Sure, there will be emotions and a level of intimacy with others, but what is representative of the intention that I mean the most or that we have something that she does not with someone else?

I mean, maybe one day I won't even need any of that. Maybe I'll just know ... or maybe I won't care so much about meaning the most in her life ... that I'll just be grateful of what we have.

But is there something to be said for pacing? For taking baby steps. I think there is. I think the potential for me to get emotionally triggered and to feel so overwhelmed that I completely cut this off could be high. I go back and forth between feeling like I'm sacrificing and comprising myself and feeling like I'm not and that it is okay to change how much I tolerate in order to be with the person I love.

In the moments where I feel like I'm compromising myself and thats not okay, I feel like I "should" seriously think about not being in this relationship. That it may not be good for me ... that I'm not doing the right thing. (but there are no right answers here)

I feel like pacing might make it so that it is not so overwhelming.

And yes, safe sex is a must. That is an example of a boundary that is necessary.

I guess part of me just also feels like I'm bending myself to do what she wants ... that it is not totally that I don't want this ... but that I'm only doing it because she wants to at the end of the day ... and that there is something wrong with that. I mean, I like the opportunity for exploring sexual relationships with others ... but if she didn't want this, I don't know that I would care to fight for a non-monogamous relationship.

And perhaps since I feel like I'm the one that is bending, I also want some compromise from her as well. That, and I want some representation that what we have is special and that no one else has that.
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 04-29-2010, 04:47 AM
SchrodingersCat's Avatar
SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Saskatchewan
Posts: 2,044
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by WalksThroughFire35 View Post
I am new to all of this and I have to figure out what I am okay with and what I am not okay with.
My husband and I did a BDSM checklist when we first started dating in order to figure out what each other was interested in. It ended up being more of an ideas list than anything.

My worry about using a checklist as a "rules" guideline is that it will "give you ideas" on new rules that you may not have felt a need for until you saw them on paper.


The best complete list of guidelines I can come up with is:
1. Be honest with yourself and with all your partners.
2. Communicate about everything, your feelings and needs and concerns.
3. Safe sex always.
4. Own your emotions and take responsibility for dealing with them.
__________________
Gralson: my husband. Auto: my girlfriend.
Zoffee: Auto's husband. Cue: Zoffee's boyfriend. Bookie: Cue's wife.

"Crowns do queer things to the heads beneath them."
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
boundaries, rules

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 01:46 AM.