Struggling with jealousy?

I'm relatively new to polyamory, I was with my last partner for 10 years, 8 of which were monogamous and my current relationship of just over a year is polyamorous.

Up to now, outside play has been kept to a relative minimum, generally when either of us is out of town, but very recently my partner has been talking about organising dates more often.

The mix of emotions that I'm feeling are difficult to sort out. I'm jealous and I don't know why. I've been trying to unpack those emotions and I've been having difficulty doing so. Ultimately I think that the jealousy is based in some personal insecurity and a feeling of being "left out".

Ultimately I want to be happy when he plays with others and I think, to a degree, I am, but I need to shed these other, less useful emotions.

I'm after any advice that can be offered here, from people with similar experiences to mine, from people with experience with new partners like me or really any other insights.

I have to say that the thing that I really love about this relationship is a sense of openness and honesty that I would never have previously thought possible.

Thanks!

Hey William,

I know of a few potentially helpful links to discussions about jealousy and/or insecurity:

Let us discuss the greeneye monster shall we?
How to slay the greeneyed beastie.

Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, Etc.
How do you achieve compersion?

The Theory of Jealousy Management
The Practice of Jealousy Management

Jealousy and the Poly Family
Kathy Labriola: Unmasking the Green-Eyed Monster
Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

It's hard to pin down the exact reasons for jealousy in any one given situation, and even when they're pinned down, your mind is much sooner ready to release the jealousy than is your heart. So have patience with yourself, and with the process.

For me, whenever I've felt jealousy in the past, I think it was because I felt like my needs weren't getting met. With considerable time and effort, the V I'm in worked as a team to meet those needs (well all three people's needs I'd like to think), and after that was accomplished, I felt nothing but contentment for whatever attention my metamour was getting. So sometimes jealousy is a sort of combination of envy + insecurity.

Anyway, give those links a try and see if they help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Thanks Kevin,

Sorry for the delayed response.

I appreciate the links, I've read the first one before and found it helpful at least in framing a sense of understanding around the concept. I'll take a read through the others as well, I'm sure they'll be equally as illuminating.

It's funny, often I feel like I'm never going to get over this hump, but what I'm finding really helpful is coming across others' who have been in a similar situation and were able to work through their emotions to get to a point of understanding and joy at their partners' other relationships. It gives me some hope that this is not an immutable state of mind.

One thing that has helped me A LOT; is identifying what it is that I need to feel completely satisfied in a relationship.
For example; I need to be able to talk to my partner daily in one manner or another. But; I also need face to face, touchy-feely contact regularly and over time we've established that after 3 weeks, I really am NOT OK. (spouse works out of town-which has allowed us to play with timeframes apart to see what timeframes work and which don't).

So-if a partner's new relationship (or anything else) takes away from the things I need in a relationship, it triggers negative emotions. I wouldn't say it's always jealousy, but negative emotions of one sort or another.

I also have a strong need for personal space. Our children, friends, family aren't allowed in my personal room. Something we identified as important for my well-being is not having his other partners in that space either. If I KNOW that he understands and accepts and will protect my personal space as MY PERSONAL PRIVATE space, I do fine with his partners being in our home. But when he wasn't being considerate to that need, I would be filled with negative emotions over his other partners coming to our home. It's not THEM, it's the lack of respect for what I need.

Taking time to identify what things are important to you in a relationship and in your home can help a lot, because it makes it about you instead of about the existence of a 3rd party or lack there of.
I need that daily contact period. It doesn't matter if he has only me as a partner or 20 people as partners, I still need that daily contact.
I find it rude when he takes phone calls/texts during a date. It doesn't matter if it's a partner, friend or his job-I still find it rude and it upsets me.

instead of framing my needs around "other partners" I frame them around MY needs in ANY relationship and work from there.

When you say "play," I assume you mean "have sex" (gotta love those euphemisms! ). Do you get jealous over your partner having sex with others, or is it more about making emotional connections that stirs up the jealousy? You mentioned feeling "left out." Is there some belief you have that you should be a part of everything your partner does?

Jealousy may always be part of your emotional spectrum, but in most cases it can become a smaller, more manageable part. Good luck and happy reading.

nycindie said:

When you say "play," I assume you mean "have sex" (gotta love those euphemisms! ). Do you get jealous over your partner having sex with others, or is it more about making emotional connections that stirs up the jealousy? You mentioned feeling "left out." Is there some belief you have that you should be a part of everything your partner does?

Click to expand...

Damn, sorry, yes. I mean sex. It does pay to be more precise with a less familiar audience

As to your questions, that's exactly what I'm trying to identify. The way I see it, the jealousy that I feel could boil down to any one or (or much more likely a nice mélange of) the following:

• feeling left out
• feeling unsafe (possible abandonment issues - meh)
• feeling worthless
• undefined feeling of wrongness (thanks Catholic upbringing!)

Jealousy is such an odd feeling for me. Prior to this current relationship I haven't felt jealous since I was an adolescent. I'm a very generous person, emotionally, otherwise and as a result these jealous feelings really rub me the wrong way.

Talking this out helps. Reading other people's stories helps. This is a journey that I'm exhilarated to be taking, so thank you for your patience and advice (all).

Journaling those four feelings you listed might help. For example:

• feeling left out -- all the wonderful things my partner's doing while I'm excluded,
• feeling unsafe -- all the reasons my partner's going to abandon me,
• feeling worthless -- all the areas where I fall short of being a desirable partner,
• feeling wrong about it -- all the soiled, sinful, perilous aspects of it.

What you journal doesn't have to be reasonable or logical. It just has to be a more in-depth description of the (perhaps subconscious) thoughts that go with your feelings. When you write it all out, you can examine it and get new persective or new ideas of things that could be done to help. If you choose to share (in this thread) what you journal, folks reading this thread can offer additional insights.

We have a Life stories and blogs board you can use for journaling if you want; it's still public but is generally treated as a "safe haven" in the sense that people won't be as critical about what you write. Just depends on what would be the most helpful.