Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 04-20-2010, 03:15 AM
ellie ellie is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 27
Default Secondary doesn't know about me (primary)...what to do

So this is all still new to me...been in an open relationship for about a year. We call each other boyfriend/girlfriend, go on trips, spend holidays together etc...

Even though our relationship has always been open, he has just started to explore it now. I've only had one other partner since we started dating.

It concerns me a bit, that he hasn't told this girl who he has been dating for about 2 months about our open relationship. I have stuff over at his place that he hides whenever she comes over. He has told her it is casual and he is seeing other people.

To be fair, I do know every aspect of their relationship because he has told me. But something just doesn't feel right in my gut. Shouldn't he be honest with her and not lead her on?

From what I know about her, I know she does want a monogamous relationship but she's agreed to a casual one with him.

Has any one else been through something like this...I sure haven't figured out all the answers
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 04-20-2010, 03:19 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,087
Default

I haven't been through that, but I can say that we have a rule that before a second date can be had with anyone, the person has to be told of our dynamic, which means that they know about us.

Personally I feel that honesty being so important to the key understanding of what Polyamory is means that one must be honest with themself and ALL of their partners or potential partners.

In our situation we've extended that to everyone in our life....
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 04-20-2010, 03:24 AM
ellie ellie is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 27
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
I haven't been through that, but I can say that we have a rule that before a second date can be had with anyone, the person has to be told of our dynamic, which means that they know about us.

Personally I feel that honesty being so important to the key understanding of what Polyamory is means that one must be honest with themself and ALL of their partners or potential partners.

In our situation we've extended that to everyone in our life....
I agree with you 100%, I think that's why it doesn't feel right to me. To be blunt he is on the younger side (27 and I'm 32). He is honest with me but not with her. When I had my secondary partner, he was aware of my situation. I believe in honesty as well.

He stated he will tell her if she is around for any length of time. Just strikes me as a bit uncaring.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 04-20-2010, 03:28 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,087
Default

Do you guys have a boundary list/agreement/ or anything?

We found that was VERY helpful. We each wrote out what we personally needed in order to "do poly" then we got together and went over those things, created an agreement sort of like Maca and I's wedding vows except that it's more of a "living document" in that we can change things if we all agree to it-and we have.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 04-20-2010, 03:32 AM
Trying's Avatar
Trying Trying is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: south
Posts: 5
Default

He should have told her from the very first. It's just plain rude.


If i were that girl, I would feel extremely hurt. It happened to me; I agreed to a casual relationship but I didn't find out for a while that the reason we were being casual and not official was because he had also started seeing another girl and i had originally been under the impression that i was currently the only one.



It hurt a LOT. He is going to hurt this girl and she will feel betrayed if he doesn't let on that "seeing other people" means "seeing one specific primary person for the past year, oh yea btw she knows all about you."


it just seems inconsiderate. She should have a better idea of your relationship dynamic besides "seeing other people" which could totally mean just random hookups or other casual interests, not a long-term primary relationship.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 04-20-2010, 03:37 AM
ellie ellie is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 27
Default

We do...when he went on the 1st date with her we sat down and discussed everything (it was his idea to be in an open relationship from the beginning).

We came to mutual agreements (such as no weekends, holidays, rare traveling) and consessions. It continues to be a work in progress.

We never discussed when in the dating process with a secondary it should be brought up that we are in a poly relationship. He tells me not to be concerned about their relationship and he will handle it. As he is keeping it casual.

I feel a bit bad I guess, I don't want her to get hurt and with him not being honest with our situation kind of hurts me a bit. And I thought mono relationships were hard!
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 04-20-2010, 03:37 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,087
Default

Honey-it doesn't seem inconsiderate, it IS inconsiderate, to both women.
But yes-I concur and I'm so sorry you had to suffer that as well!

We as people need to really put some time and effort into considering the long term potential consequences of our actions-which it sounds like he isn't.

see if you can get your hands on the book Opening Up at a used book store (always cheaper that way).
It has a GREAT list of "things to consider when making a boundary list in an open relationship".
We found it VERY eye-opening and VERY VERY helpful! I think we've avoided a LOT of issues we would have struggled through unwittingly simply becuase of that book.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"

Last edited by NeonKaos; 04-20-2010 at 12:20 PM. Reason: merge posts
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 04-20-2010, 03:41 AM
ellie ellie is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 27
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Trying View Post
He should have told her from the very first. It's just plain rude.


If i were that girl, I would feel extremely hurt. It happened to me; I agreed to a casual relationship but I didn't find out for a while that the reason we were being casual and not official was because he had also started seeing another girl and i had originally been under the impression that i was currently the only one.



It hurt a LOT. He is going to hurt this girl and she will feel betrayed if he doesn't let on that "seeing other people" means "seeing one specific primary person for the past year, oh yea btw she knows all about you."


it just seems inconsiderate. She should have a better idea of your relationship dynamic besides "seeing other people" which could totally mean just random hookups or other casual interests, not a long-term primary relationship.
These are my thoughts exactly. I keep trying to tell him this, and he asks why am I concerned about her feelings. That he has told her it was casual and she hasn't asked anything more or pushed the issue.

I don't want any one to get hurt...I just feel like a rock in a hard place, I just want him to do the right thing.

I'm sorry you got hurt..I agree it sucks in big way

Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
see if you can get your hands on the book Opening Up at a used book store (always cheaper that way).
It has a GREAT list of "things to consider when making a boundary list in an open relationship".
We found it VERY eye-opening and VERY VERY helpful! I think we've avoided a LOT of issues we would have struggled through unwittingly simply becuase of that book.
Thank you for the recommendation, I've heard about it but rarely have found it in my local bookstore...I'll have to order it online!!

Last edited by NeonKaos; 04-20-2010 at 12:21 PM. Reason: merge posts
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 08:29 AM.