Feeling hopeless in a V

[Breathesgirl]

Somewhere along my poly path I've heard many, MANY times to go only as fast as the slowest person in the relationships.

This, to me, makes perfect sense. It gives ALL parties a chance to work through any problems they may be having and gives the person who is slower in accepting the situation MORE time to come to grips with what ever they're having a problem with.

From the get go my boyfriend & I have had the steadfast rule that we WILL close the relationship if there is something in our core relationship which needs fixing. We have done this twice. The first time was when I was having huge jealousy problems with his first relationship other than me. The second time was just after my Mom died so I could grieve without having other people who are precious to us being hit by the shrapnel.

This might be a good way for you to go. Set a reasonable time limit (say three months??? with the proviso that it can be extended if needed) so the two of you can work on your core relationship.

There is absolutely NOTHING which says this girl has to move in with the two of you (that's the way I read what you wrote, I apologize if I'm wrong).

I agree with what LovingRadiance said as well and will give a resounding second to http://www.xeromag.com. I have used this site many times and recommended it to countless others.

Until you can get to your therapist just remember to breathe. Go outside and enjoy some nature in the form of the birds singing, the flowers blooming and the sun setting (or rising), or whatever it is you do to find peace within yourself. Find some peace within your soul. When you've had your 15 minutes of peace and quiet you will be better able to look at your situation more objectively and maybe see a solution, or partial solution, where before all you saw was a brick wall.

[NeonKaos]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

Peace and sharing...I love this place sometimes

You do realize it's all just passive-aggressive-oppressive denial though, don't you?

[Nelara]

I appreciate the responses. I am also a very emotional person and have felt like I have lost control of my emotions. I think having some feedback from somewhere else has helped me feel less emotional, in a good way. I realize i should have spoken with a bit more clarity to a better picture of our situation and more detail.

We both have actually read quite a bit about polyamory, and it is in my nature to think of the worst possible scenarios. I personally did not feel as if I had much control of how the situation was approached. I vented my concerns constantly about the other woman involved and who wasn't aware of what was going on. I wish I had approached the situation more assertively as I tend to take a backseat and let others decide things for me. Ultimately, I am responsible for myself, and I can accept that.

We thought this woman would be good for both of us. Her personality brings out certain qualities of ourselves. We were going into this thinking of building a family unit. I think things have just moved too fast and under a bad circumstance for me to handle without letting my emotions get the best of me.

I guess I am so emotional because I am normally a very safe person and I don't like to take unnecessary risk and this other woman is much more spontaneous than I. My husband is an intelligent man but I felt he was being so reckless and inconsiderate having unprotected sex with this woman.

Him and I were our first and only until this situation, so perhaps I am just feeling jealous but I feel kind of violated.

[Breathesgirl]

You should be upset about the unprotected sex.

Has she had an recent, within the last six months, STD test? Was it negative?

Unprotected sex is something which requires serious, unemotional, discussion (many times over) before it becomes fact. It sounds like it wasn't discussed?????

[EugenePoet]

I may be writing out of turn, but your husband's behavior concerns me somewhat. I wish that he had shown deeper understanding of what feelings you might have in response to the new GF. If you were accurate in describing his preoccupation with her, then I would wish that he had instead taken special care during that stressful time to show that YOU are the most important woman in his life.

I personally did not feel as if I had much control of how the situation was approached.

When you don't have control in a central area of your life it's not unusual to feel frightened, angry, depressed. I agree with others: you should find a way to make your wishes heard and have your needs met -- your need for loving security in particular.

[SchrodingersCat]

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance

FIRST-stop focusing on the EMOTIONS you are feeling and start focusing on your LONG TERM GOALS.
Second-make a list of what you absolutely NEED.
Third-make a list of things you would PREFER.
Fourth-make a list of 5 things you can do today to start pursuing the effort to get the things on your list.
Fifth-stop and think about what it is you are doing. THINKING something sounds "fun" is not the same as REALLY considering ALL OF THE POSSIBLE CONSEQUENCES.

Originally Posted by samaki82

I've never heard such generic, self-advertising crap in my life. I really hope she doesn't take this advice to heart.

LR's (sound) advice was based on behavior and plans as a method to overcome emotional reactions.

Originally Posted by samaki82

I can't say that I've been in that type of situation and I'm new to this whole thing as well,

LR's been in a very functional poly relationship for what, 12 years? No offence samaki, but before you say someone is full of generic, self-advertising crap, it may be useful to find out whether she knows what she's talking about. I've only been on this forum for a couple months, but I've already seen that LR knows her shit. I'm sorry, but anyone who has had the same two partners for 12 years, while raising children, undergoing health issues, and thriving while doing it, is more than qualified to give any advice she bloody well wants to!!

I also don't see the "self-advertising" part... where did she say "Read my book about how to have a poly relationship" ? She suggested an action plan to get past the emotional flailing that the original poster was doing. The simple act of making a plan can do wonders for the psyche and help emotions get under control. What good does it do to wallow?

And generic advice is better than no advice. You can't give specific advice when you don't know someone personally. Not only that, but anyone can come along and read generic advice and find something useful in it, not just the OP.

[NeonKaos]

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat

LR's (sound) advice was based on behavior and plans as a method to overcome emotional reactions.


LR's been in a very functional poly relationship for what, 12 years?

Actually, I think they've been living together for 12 years but have only been in a "very functional poly relationship" since last September, if I have managed to keep my stories straight (not that it makes that much difference when it comes to what she said earlier in this thread).

LR, will you please refresh us all regarding your "credentials"? The abridged version will do just fine!

[SchrodingersCat]

Originally Posted by Nelara

We were going into this thinking of building a family unit.

My husband is an intelligent man but I felt he was being so reckless and inconsiderate having unprotected sex with this woman.

When someone is cheating on a partner, that's a huge red flag. It proves that she's dishonest, reckless, and not too concerned with the emotions of the other people in her life. Is that the kind of person you want to bring into your family?

Unprotected sex is a majorly serious relationship-offense. You have the right to be safe in your relationship, and your husband has jeopardized your safety. You have every right to be upset, even angry, and feel violated over this.

You mentioned that she broke up with her girlfriend and has no where to go. As sad as that may be, it's honestly not your problem. She's an adult and it's her own responsibility to find living arrangements. It's hugely unfair for her to break up with her house-mate under the assumption that you'll just take care of her. I've had friends who were students and broke up with their live-in partners, and ended up with 3 days to find a place to live, while going to school and only working a few hours a week, in a city with extremely low vacancy. So it can be done. Having no other choice can be extremely motivating!

[NeonKaos]

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat

You mentioned that she broke up with her girlfriend and has no where to go.

Maybe the girlfriend kicked her out because of the unprotected sex.

[saudade]

Hey, welcome. I'm sorry that you're in such a stressful situation.

That moment when you cross over from reading about poly to practicing it is a wild moment, even in the best of circumstances. When it goes the way yours did, I just want to hug you. (((Nelara)))

If I were in your shoes, I'd do a few things. You don't have to do any of them, of course, but if it helps...

My first step, for practicality and peace of mind, would be to demand an STD test from your husband in a few months (because it takes that long for some STDs to show up), and to only have protected sex with him until results came back clean (or the STD that shows up has been treated and you feel comfortable renewing unprotected sex).

I'd also talk with your husband about closing the relationship (no outside sexual/romantic connections) for at least a few months while you sort yourselves out. This would include not allowing the woman you mentioned to move in, regardless of her living situation difficulties. In your shoes, I would insist firmly on both points.

From there, there's two separate relationships that need working on: yours with your husband, and the future potential for poly connections (possibly including this woman, if you all agree on it later).

I honestly don't know how to advise working on your relationship with your husband. If either of my life partners had outside unprotected sex while ignoring me and my concerns, I'd consider it grounds for ending the relationship... BUT I can't advise you to leave or stay, because I'm not there and I don't know either of you. That's something you have to work out for yourself.

If/when you get to the point where you want to talk about poly again, I'd recommend figuring out what you envision poly being for you. You can freewrite, or use a tool like LR's lists, above, or the list of potential poly agreements in The Ethical Slut (pages 154-155, revised edition), or this relationship disclosure form:
http://everything2.com/title/Poly+Ge...isclosure+Form

Make your husband do it too, and compare what you've written. Find where you're on the same page, and where you're not. Remind him of the poly adage to go at the pace of the slowest member, and don't be afraid to ask him to slow down if you're feeling overwhelmed.

Once you've gotten out of the first steps, if you're comfortable with it you might want to spend time with the woman-- but not sexually! Go out for coffee, and get to know each other.

No matter what, you are so brave for sharing on here. Thank you for it. Keep posting-- we're here for you.

In cahoots,
~S