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  #51  
Old 05-16-2014, 01:49 PM
elemental elemental is offline
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Default Here comes the rain again

I was woken up last night by a downpour, big fat rain drops that at first splattered heavily against the windows, followed by a deluge so loud that the building seemed to shake. So nice and cool this morning after a few days of heat and humidity. I love the cool nights in summer and the mornings too. Makes the hot toil of the day bearable, framing on a sun drenched platform or in some dusty pit. We work a lot at the lake, so mid-day dips are part of the routine. Another part of the reason I have decided to stick around this neck of the woods.

Cinder texted me the other day, three times in 10 min. I didnít get the messages because I have blocked her number, instead receiving a block notification. I blocked her because I donít wish to have her drop bombs in my workday, and she has blocked my number and I have no way to respond, so I would rather not deal with her in an immediate way. I have told her this, and again reminded her ďemail pleaseĒ and have asked over and over again for updates and timelines, only to be received with silence. I guess she didnít have anything meaningful to say, or information I had to have, in which case Iíd rather not have to deal with it. Emotional flagellation not required. It irks me that she use to go on and on in her blog about how grateful she was/is to me for all the ďgiftsĒ I have given her, only to be treated with contempt in our actual dealings. Itís like she is trying cover up how shitty she is/has been to me under a mountain of verbose hyperbole. It may work on some strangers on the internet, but doesnít work in the here and now and just further works to erode any chance of us ever being in each otherís lives. Ever.

Chiquita had a sleepover with her girlfriend last night, happy for her. I have zero desire to have knowledge of their connection beyond what she wants to tell me. I am developing good internal boundaries around relationship sharing. I donít need constant re-assurance or communication. Itís a good place to be. I have been noticing a mellowing of my emotions, and although I still struggle at times, my emotional world has improved significantly by being away from Cinderís dysfunction and borderline bi-polar. I see that in other peoples relationships, hear about the roller-coaster of the highs and lows, often in the same day. I am enjoying and looking forward to my relationships with women that are more even keeled. Chiquita has that, very chilled and emotionally responsible. Everyone has their moments, itís just how we deal personally with it and how it affects others. Some people are more aware of that than others, and are more successful at mitigating that impact. I respect that immensely after having such a sloppy emotional partner.

Had some great texts with Talldoll. She read my blog and expressed concern about not wanting to put pressure on me to be friends and expend energy. Itís true I am feeling a little run down, but she is the type friend that I want in my life. That very concern is what I want, that kindness and understanding. I would be honoured to be her friend, and who knows? I am very much into the ďfriends firstĒ before intimacy. Moving forward that is going to be my modus. I am done with the rushing in headfirst in a pheromone haze. Love is something I want to build, not gloss over with a thin veneer, and delude myself with premature declarations of life partnership.

Granny made a surprise visit yesterday. She contacted me and we hung out, I made her dinner, it was so easy. Sheís been seeing a guy who is borderline bi-polar and diagnosed PSTD. Ugh for her. We talked and ate and smoked a J, had a proper sesh. I asked her a lot of questions which she seemed to like, and sheís a real talker lol. She shared with me her relationship style and what sheís looking for, it was so cool to have a free flowing exchange of ideas. Sheís a jealous and possessive by nature, and is looking for monogamy eventually. We laughed about poly, and she said it sounds a lot like ď datingĒ. Exactly . I appreciate her candor and openness, I think we are going to be friends. Sheís another one of those responsible emotional types. I see similarities between her and Chi and Talldoll. Am I developing a different type? Very interestingÖ

Time to bustabust for work. Itís a long weekend an I am going to take a few days off to rest up, seeing Chi on Saturday night. Ahh the weekend. Have a good one yíall xo
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  #52  
Old 05-19-2014, 02:27 PM
elemental elemental is offline
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Default endgame

Finally heard back from Cinder around the finalising of our separation agreement / divorce. It's been such a long time coming I am not convinced that this will be any different from all the other promises she has made around completion, but we'll see. Her email was very detailed so that is helpful. It will be right around the one year anniversary of her evicting me from our life, the hardest year of my life. It would make a fitting end to it all, and I am ever so hopeful that this isn't more of her game playing. We will see.

Our wedding anniversary has just passed as well. I had completely forgotten about it until well after, which I am glad for. I don't need more time dwelling on the life that has been lost to me. I can feel the memories pulling apart inside of me, dissolving. We had so many good times together, there was so much love, now it is just a wasteland. It takes me a moment to run through everything to get to the point of "ah" that's why we are not together. She is not the person who lived in my head, in my heart. I won't fool myself again.

Had a nice visit with Chi on Saturday, and a wicked lie in bed well into Sunday. My time with her is so relaxing and restful. We have such great sexual chemistry. We have been seeing each other for over a year now regularly, and have yet to have a fight about anything. How different it is from my life with Cinder, zero volatility, except in bed I don't want that again in my life, that rubbing raw with someone, the emotional spilling over. How great it is to be involved with people who don't experience emotions like a daily trip to the roller coaster, tiltawhirl and hellivator all in one visit. I will never do that again, I guess I should be grateful to Cinder for showing me that I don't need or want that in my life. An expensive and painful lesson.

Raven is like that, emotionally responsible, which is one of the reasons I fell in love with her. She is coming to visit soon, and I am so looking forward to that. Had a good talk with Chi about that, I was all nervous of some kind of emotional shitstorm, she just held my hand and kissed me lightly and told me she supported me. It was amazing. Can life really be like this? Yes please! Raven and I haven't seen each other for a year and a half. Whoa.

It got me thinking about Cinder's accusations about me being dishonest, and how I internalised that. I realise that I was conditioned to keep certain things from her, because I couldn't deal with her constant emotional swings. Because I am very honest and up front about my life and what and who is in it now, and without all the emotional terrorism I have no problem with the truth. It's funny how we take on other peoples shit and think it is our own. I am beginning to realise how important the right emotional make up is in a partner, and how we interact together makes for the success of a long term relationship. I am starting to look at that in a very different way.
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  #53  
Old 05-20-2014, 04:48 PM
elemental elemental is offline
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Default Mental health day

Ack. Iím taking a mental health day from work today. My feelings of being run down have come to a bit of a head, and I am feeling an overwhelming need to rest, think, and feel. I have uncovered a well-spring of grief and regret inside myself, and sifting through it is indeed challenging work. I feel as if I am tip toeing through a mine field of depression and break down, acting out. As the finality of the end of my marriage to Cinder sets in, REALLY sets in, and I uncover all the feeling associated with that. I thought I would start the day off and get it out, now, and hope for a cleansing breeze to blow it all away.

I took the day off yesterday, as well. It is a stat holiday up here in my neck of the woods, and I have had a deep yearning for a day(s) off, so I blew off my work commitments. Damn I work hard, and a lot. Tough for me to slow down sometimes. So Iím sitting in bed with a coffee while the morning sun streams in, listening to classical music. Just my pup and my thoughts put to words for all who care to see. I get so lonely sometimes not being in a primary partnership, I think I have been single all of three months in the last twenty years, before the breakup of my marriage to Cinder. It takes some adjustment. I notice my pattern of dipping into feelings of depression and hopelessness, loneliness and fear, to be aware of it and then come up for air, not allow myself to dwell or dawdle in those feelings. Going for long walks, eat well. Sleep. Well sleep when I can, because I was up all night. Tomo woke me in a panic to go outside, and being on the 4th floor necessitated that we go Ė NOW. I remember how annoyed I use to get when we first got dogs in moments like this, and now I just quickly get dressed and do whatever I can to help him, without any anger or frustration. We wandered around for like 30 min while he ate grass and did his business, at 3 in the morning. So quiet and cool. I was filled with regret, missing Cinder and our life, and was remembering so many little wonderful moments together that I began to feel ill with loss.

It all kind of started for me yesterday on a little walk to the local grocery, and I saw Cinderís mom half a block up ahead of me. She was walking, kind of looking around. I thought about going up to her and saying hello, after all here was a woman that I made Christmas brunches for years, who I had shared a family with, and who had worked to undermine my place in that family. Previously I had gone through a number of scenarios of what I would like to say to her if we ever bumped into each other. I was filled with emotions. Part of me wanted to talk to her, and part of me wanted to just let it go. So I just walked away. Far better to just leave it. If she had wanted to talk to me she had ample chance during the separation. Of course she believed her daughters side of everything. I felt like I was expendable to that family, and was never really a part of it, as the reality played out. So that near interaction triggered a real sense of loss and longing for closure, of compassion from her family. I want to shake this feeling of being tossed on the dung heap by them. I know Cinder has instigated a no contact order for her friends and family, she made everyone choose sides. Her one friend who kept in contact with me, someone who she considered her brother, and who at one time lived with her family, has been cut off for defying her in this way. Crazy. Plus I didn't want to give her another reason to call the police on me. Fawk.

So struggling with loneliness, but resolute to move deeper into that. Not feeling lonelier lol but not wanting to make commitments out of a need to fill that emptiness. I want to feel it and work it out for myself, be self-sufficient in that way. In some ways it feels like the breaking down of the old me. A shedding of skin. So Iíll rest today and recover a little. Talk to some good friends. Chiquita already texted me this morning so that helps, making plans to come visit next weekend that helps. I am a very tactile lover and want that in my life, the closeness and the intimacy. Writing here is kind of like that, being intimate with my thoughts and feelings with a lot of strangers, vulnerable. It is good for me I think.
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  #54  
Old 05-30-2014, 10:12 PM
elemental elemental is offline
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Default closer to closure

This week I signed off on the last two legal responsibilities that I had in regards to Cinder and Iís settlement. It brought up a lot of emotions for me, and I dipped down into the blackness for an evening before the week went on and I had some good work days, and some good realisations. Apparently everything is done now and I just have to wait for my cheque, which is a huge relief. I have been tied up waiting for this resolution, and now that is imminent I can rest and relax a bit and focus on more mid -term goals in the near future. Iím still going to go easy for the next couple of months, and enjoy the summer, then come fall Iíll take a good hard look at the next 2-5-10 year plan.

Part of my realization is that with the imminent settlement and divorce, there is no need to live in the past. That part of my life is over, full stop. In all likelihood I will never have another meaningful conversation or interaction with Cinder ever again. The sadness and hurt and all the ancillary emotions are kind of moot. It would be my choice to stay in those feelings at this point. My choice. Just like it was my choice to end our relationship, because it didnít work for either of us. Thatís another revelation. It didnít work for either of us. So in that way there is no more reason for blame, or victim mentality, or ďlook at all the bad shit that happened to meĒ. The way she treated me after the fact has nothing to do with the fact that our relationship didnít work, and wasnít going to work for either of us. In some ways I took the bullet for both of us, because I had the fortitude to break the co-dependant nightmare we were living in and set us both free. I feel pretty good about that.

I also am trying to switch my mentality to one of compassion for Cinder, because she has struggled with mental health issues in her personality and her family dynamic for all of her life, and she is again taking steps to work on that in therapy ( yes I read her blog lol). I think that is a good step for her to ensure she heals the parts of herself that would do the things she did in our relationship. I would hope she wouldnít do that to Art, or any other man or woman ever again. I know she has a lot of work to do, but I know she is well situated with the bulk of our life intact and know she is savvy in those ways. I can let go of the burning plastic hate that I developed for her, and move on with my life, for me and by me, and share it with those that better fit my psychology and emotional makeup. I have no desire for therapy, or intense personality overhaul. Being on my own has revealed my character again and not having to react to a partners mental health issues constantly have given me the opportunity to work on myself. I donít discount therapy or its benefits, I just feel like I have the tools I need, and the ability. I think just having better boundaries has helped me immeasurably. I listen to the quietest voice inside myself and let that be my guide. Weíll see where that leads me!

Just had a lovely visit with equally lovely Chiquita. She just had some exquisite body ink done, and it just accentuates her beauty. We have such a carnal connection, food, drink, sex, intimacy. When we are together I always sleep late and deep and we intertwine into each other so effortlessly. We check in with each other about our other intimate relationships, and always have a way of communicating simply and without drama. She is so easy going and accessible. That is not to say she is submissive or subservient. She is a strong, proud woman, happily self-determined. We know where we stand with each other, and I am pretty happy to be sharing love with such person. She is teaching me a lot about acceptance and boundaries, about where emotional responsibility starts and stops. You have to look deeper into people to see the golden glow I think.

Raven is coming to visit, and I am so looking forward to that! We are going to do all the things lol. We are going to relax into each other and get comfortable and see what is there. I know we both have kindled our connection, and Iím pretty sure it wonít take much to turn it into a roaring bonfire again.

I have no expectation, and neither does she. We both share a love that we get to determine what it means to both of us, without any interference. Thatís something we both need, self-determination. I think both of our future relationships will have that common thread. She is one of the most considerate people I know, but also has a keen self-awareness of where her shit stops and someone else's starts. That is something I have been working on and that she has helped me identify. Not taking other peoples issues on. I did that so much with Cinder that is helped drown my desire for her. Take on and forced to take on. I am a powerfully passionate person, but I want emotional responsibility to go with that. I am having that with my Special Ladies and am going to cultivate that with all my future relationships.
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  #55  
Old 05-30-2014, 11:54 PM
AlbertaRaven AlbertaRaven is offline
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Default

Love the term "Special Ladies". I'm going to co-opt that.

Also, you're a good writer and I'm glad your bitterness is fading out.
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  #56  
Old 06-01-2014, 03:25 PM
elemental elemental is offline
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Default Sunday morning

Sunday morning. Iím up early having a coffee. Raven is snuggled in bed, I remember she likes to sleep in a bit so Iím being careful not to wake her, and I would get some thoughts out early and enjoy the day. Sheís only here until tonight, this has been a quick visit. It has been interesting to fall back so quickly into an intimate nature with someone after a prolonged period, 18 months or so. Our lives so very entrenched in places away from each other, but still very much apart and sharing that desire to be in each otherís lives. I have never done the LDR before, and I guess that is what her and I are doing. Packing in 48 hours to love and laugh and connect over beer and card games and walks by the river with my dog. To tumble into bed every few hours and make love and remember what it feels like to be together again, finally. Itís been a long road. I think in a lot of ways of this as a beginning, because after all that has gone between us, and a good long break in seeing each other, we are starting over. We are older, our lives are different. I have a little more grey in my whiskers, she jokes, and more tattoos. I find her more grounded in herself, more confident, more her own woman. We still share the chemistry that makes our physical connection blossom.

Today will be more of the same I think, and in a few hours Iíll be returning her to the big metal bird to fly her away from me, back to her life and family and friends in another city, not too far away. We talk about more visits, of me coming to visit her, which would be nice. Iíd like to visit her city, I had thoughts of moving there before I decided to get stable here, and Iím sure I will visit soon. I donít want to let so much time pass between us, and from what I have read on the boards LDR need frequent points of connection. Iíd love to get away, even for a weekend, just to have a change of pace. I start a new foundation next week so Iíll be busy for 6-8 weeks. That sounds about right.

I have been warned by the MODS of this site to stay away from discussing certain things, certain people, certain ďsituationsĒ, under the threat of infractions and potential banning. I donít wish to create drama here, or stir the shit, or provoke the ďpeanut galleryĒ. Iím not asking anyone to take sides. I can see how my words belay a certain hurt, anger and frustration, and how that can be potentially upsetting to others. I donít wish to be censored, but also understand that the site does not need to be a forum for conflict. To that end I will be moving forward into the future, my future, with tales of the present, and those that wish to share it with me. Iím not going to vent about the past, or those in it, or my observations about that, Iíll find another more personal way to do that. Ultimately I think this will be a good thing, and was moving in that direction inside myself anyways, so Iíll just take this as a sign that yes, this is the way forward. If I just disappear from here, well, then I guess I wasnít successful in my endeavour to self regulate.
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  #57  
Old 06-10-2014, 04:50 AM
elemental elemental is offline
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Default one-two

Finality came today. The first move in a one-two punch representing the end of an era in my life. Iíll be twice divorced within the next month. Am I allowed to mention that? Edit, edit, cnrl+alt+del. My settlement came through and Iíll be able to pay off some debt. Whoopie!!!

I have been busting my ass lately. Working a 6 day week more often than not. This week is forming and two concrete pours. Fun stuff At least I donít need to go to the gym, and working outside this time of year has its benefits. I try and soak up as much warmth as I can, as these memories will serve well when Iím freezing in an ice rain come December. Iím finally in a headspace to take on more responsibility at work and have a helper again. The next house is pretty much me, maybe a trail run at breaking off some framing forming subcontracting. Really itís the only way to make more money. The housing market continues to climb in this Valley, and we have a nice custom build market corner going on at our little lake. Iím glad I stuck around.

Had to recover some from the weekend with Chiquita/Raven. Those Ladies certainly put me through my paces haha. It was an intense transition day Friday last week when they came, but in a good and fun way. Developing the skill of turning on and off the different relationship diaspora. Focusing on each person / experience in the moment. Stay in the moment people! Seems to have ramped me up sexually as well. Saw Chi this weekend and we burned the house down. Chemically we just cook lol. Sheís got some leads in her Lady hunt, and itís nice to see her blossoming into her own sexuality. We are super positive with each other, and I find myself having all the feelings for her. We talk about it and its all good, she is so chill and calm, a good listener. A plain speaker. She means what she says and says what she means. Loyal and supportive. Iím pretty happy about our connection as its working out, although the LDR thing has been on my mind lately. Eventually I am going to want to spend more than one night a week with someone, and so is she. Feeling no pressure to force a resolution, Iím enjoying this more backed off approach to relationship.

Ravens visit was awesome, and brought up a lot of the feelings across the board. Knowing it was only two days we didnít try and do too much. Iím glad she was feeling rested and relaxed when she got home, and I enjoyed hearing all her stories about her dude in her town, he sounds like a really fine feller. Not having seen her for so long, as well as our dramatic traumatic triad implosion produced a sort of confliction that came about during the week. I put it down to residual emotion, Iím not into dragging myself through that muck again and again. Felt good to pick it up and put it down, fairly easily. Iím pretty happy at the state and pace of my recovery from the death of my marriage. It is a journey only those who have travelled down that path understand. Hugs and respect to all those who have been through that, it shakes you to your bones. Xo

Had a real nice walk and talk with Gran, she finally pulled the plug on her bi-polar friend. I feel for her and that loyalty and nurturing and helping desire in her for people with mental illness, sheís a trooper. And hella sexy. And funny. Hanging out with her made me have some pangs for a more local connection. Someone I could easily hang out with, and have more access to. As my heart heals, I can feel that desire again. Desire for some form of partnership in a more daily way. Texting as the main form of interaction wonít cut it for ever, right? Right now we are flirty friends. I respect her a lot. I have been upfront with her about my Lady friends, she appreciated. So more of that in the future Iím supposing.

Finally had a chat with Mz. Black bless her heart. We connect instantly, two Aquarians clicking. Itís so easy to talk to her, and I enjoyed hearing about a special connection she has been fostering. Although our paths diverged we still share a special closeness. Intimate and heartfelt. She is an amazing woman. Iím glad I can share my thoughts and experiences and she can glean some benefit in that. I like being her confidant, and find it so easy to be supportive and a good poly resource person for her. I so enjoy the uniqueness of all the connections I have been having. Itís so easy to overlook the subtleties of people when pursuing an idealised version of relationship.
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  #58  
Old 06-23-2014, 01:36 PM
elemental elemental is offline
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Default Monday musing

Monday morning. I could sure use a long weekend right about now. Actually, I could use a couple of weeks off, rest up, let things settle. Instead I have made a compromise to only work 3 out of 4 Saturdays in any given month. My Partner at work is taking a couple of weeks off this month, so Iíll be the big dog on site for that time. I have to step up. Summer is officially here  so there will be swim breaks in the lake for those hot days Framing under the sun.

I have been feeling out of sorts for the last couple of weeks, and couldnít put my finger on what was bothering me. This feeling has evolved and changed, started off as irritation, then frustration, then ran the gamut of sadness, loss, longing and then a mini depression. Finally after a convo with a good friend, and some crazy dreams the root of it came to me. Iím still in love with Cinder.

It doesnít really surprise me. After spending so much time together and the life we made together that there would be such deep seeded connections. She use to tell me my problem was I couldnít commit to her, but the reality is that I was all in, and I still am apparently. As much as my intellect and the reality of what has happened smack me in the face daily, I still wake in a cold sweat in the middle of the night, my heart screaming her name, tears streaming down my face. Fuck.

I wonder how much of it is real. I question myself, my heart. I replay events, looking for the smoking gun. I re-evaluate the last 7 years of my life to see the alternate dimensions in which we can be different people, where we could have worked it out and not have assured our mutual destruction. I am not looking to undo what is done, because it has played out how it had to. It couldnít have gone any other way, based on who we actually are, and I do find comfort in that thought. I know it is still early days in my recovery from all this, and in a yearsí time things will look and feel much differently, so Iíll just sit with these feelings and do what I have to do to heal from a broken heart.

I do love Raven and Chiquita, Iím just not ďinĒ love with them. Itís different when you commit your life to someone in such a meaningful way. Itís made me step back and re-evaluate how I interact with women, how I have sought my self-worth in my ability to love and be loved by others. I want to look at my approval seeking and see what is there. I have separated sex from the equation. Just because I am fucking someone doesnít mean I am going to spend the rest of my life with them. Itís brought up a whole slew of repressed emotions from my childhood of not feeling loved enough. Pretty interesting times, actually. I have been having lots of dreams about my Dad too, and just last night my first wife. Maybe my subconscious is giving me the hints I need to move forward.

Interesting times to say the least. Have a great week xo
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  #59  
Old 07-15-2014, 04:33 AM
elemental elemental is offline
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Default Heat Wave

It’s a full blown heat wave. It’s been full on 32C for the past week. Working in it is like taking a 8 hour hot yoga class. Grueling. Things are supposed to cool off over the weekend I hope. Just have to get through the next 3 days, but I’ll gut it out. We are framing a three story box, with a two floor timber deck system on the front. It’s a pretty easy structure, no shade unfortunately. We are moving to a 7am start to try and beat some heat. I’m going back to a 40h week, summer is here and I need to enjoy my weekends more. I can work more in the fall/winter.

I received my first email solicitation which was flattering. A lady I met a few years back was very forward in wanting to have a fling with me this summer. We finally met up and are having a proper date soon. She’s a very talented artist and someone I connect with intellectually, and after meeting, I’d say physically too. I’ll call her Nin. I talked to Chiquita and Raven about it and everything’s cool. Funny how I still got flinichy at speaking my truth, but there are no more emotional shitstorms in my life. Ever. This is the freedom I wanted, needed. To live my truth and independence. I so much miss the pull of partnership sometimes, but am glad to be by myself, to learn, grow, and heal. I’ve been watching that anxiety in me, feeling it, the need to define myself by the love I keep. It has become less intense over time, but is still there. I’m trying to transform it into something else from what it was. My relationship pattern was so messed up for so many years. Being alone I am beginning to unravel that, and change. Cinder and I use to joke that I was like an oil tanker, took forever to change course. But I get there. I guess ultimately my decision to call it was the only way I could change, among other things. I so hated that pressure to change, it ate at me inside.

Chiquita and I continue unabated, our connection getting more varied and adventurous. I love how sex can become richer as the connection lengthens over time. We’re trying new things, some s/m bondage and making porn, which we both enjoy, and are going to explore some risky/public sex. She’s still on a lady hunt for a more regular GF. It’s so great to see her happy and growing into herself. She is so free of expectation. It’s pretty great.

Haven’t connected as much with Raven lately, we text a bit and talk sometimes. I had to postpone a visit because of work commitments, but still going to make a trip, it will be good for me to get away for a longish weekend soon. Looking forward to meeting her steady guy James, He sounds like a solid dude and I know Raven and him have had a deepening of their connection. After she came out to see me, he upped his game in several area good for them! Another poly benefit of having another paramour, can keep people honest and putting their best effort forward

Had an interesting re-connect with Granny. She got at me and we started chatting again more regularly, and then a lot when she went on Vaycay. Things got to the point to where we were going to have to have the talk about everything and everyone involved if she was interested, but then on her way back told me she’s going to give it another go with her friend who is manic. So we remain firmly in the friends camp, she does know I see multiple people, so we got that far. I got the feeling she was playing me off this guy a bit, to force a bit of stress in there. Looks like he stepped up, hope it works out for them, they seem to have something between them.

Talked to Mz Black again, she’s firmly in the mono camp. Seeing an altogether great guy, although ultimately he can’t give her what she wants (kidlets), but they are in the bloom of passion. He’s poly, although not activated right now, so I offer my observations and experiences when asked for them. She’s such a great gal, but it looks as we also will remain firmly friends. Which is awesome.

On the down side of things I got some more hate mail from my internet stalker, Rebbeca. Or is it Rebecca? Her cutting words and inside information led me to believe it could be someone else, or maybe that’s just the vestiges of paranoia coming up from the depths. Whoever it is truly believes in what they are saying, and damit if they’re not going to spew their venom all over me and my character. I acknowledge my surprise again and told them what they could do with said opinion. I was hurt by it for a moment, because like any human I have feelings, and hateful words hurt. It got me thinking though, about Cinder, and our story. Can it really end like this? If it does it will be the biggest shame of my life. After going through a patch of feeling love for her deep within me, I am trying to embrace a compassionate mindset. Acceptance has come as well, and I am still stocktaking. It’s been pretty humbling looking at some of the mistakes I made, and how we hurt each other. It is the biggest regret of my life. She has been the biggest love of my life.

I believe in myself, in my truth. I know I can see many sides of any issue. I know my strengths and weaknesses. My faults. I want to fall in love with myself again. Not in a narcissistic way, more nurturing and accepting. I truly want to find a better way of being, and with that, if I am lucky enough, the good people to share it with. In some ways I already have.

Last edited by elemental; 07-15-2014 at 12:58 PM.
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  #60  
Old 08-04-2014, 06:12 PM
elemental elemental is offline
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Default coaster

Iíve been struggling a bit lately. On a bit of a regressive emotional bent. Got to pull all that emotional scar tissue apart to promote the healing. Work in progress. Distracted at work I made a couple of small blunders, and wasnít on top of someone elseís. I need to clear some fog away and get back to basics. Spotted some recurring mental tendencies that are seeming familiar. The longing, the loss. Iíll keep riding it out. My last post on here got censored by the modís, and one more infraction and Iíll be banned. Makes me not want to write on here if I canít share what happens to me in my life. I kind of understand the rationale of being ďpositiveĒ, I just thought I could keep it authentic here. I guess I need another site to safely reveal the actual goings on in my life.

Chiquita and I continue. She has had some pressure from her family to define ďrelationshipĒ with me. It has brought up some of the transitory nature of our connection ie at some point one of us is going to want more. Maybe time to check in around expectation. I offered to meet her Mom and be a good friend, weíll see what happens. Maybe some of her momís anxiety is around the unknown of it all. Meeting me would but a human face to her daughters ďfriendĒ. We are making plans for a weekend getaway soon, it will be interesting to spend more than 18h together lol.

Finally going to visit Raven, and meet a new friend I met on these boards. Thanks Polyamoury.com It will be good to get away and break up my routine. We are between contracts at work so I am able to switch to a more relaxed work schedule and take some much needed time off. Plans include hiking with my dog, visiting friends, enjoying my new home and the local outdoors. Iím pretty lucky to live in such a wonderland for outdoor activity. Making plans to return to hot yoga practice in the fall, and try a local indoor climbing gym. I do it at work and have all the attributes so what the hell sounds like fun.

The date with Nin went ahead, and she was lovely company. We have a lot in common, and I look forward to maintaining our friendship. I donít think we click on a sexual level, and thatís ok with me. I like to hold peopleís feelings in higher regard than in the past, and want to take a slower approach to intimacy with others in the future. Whatís the rush? Itís not like I am coming from a place of scarcity. I donít want to rush into these situations anymore. I want to feel people out intellectually and emotionally before engaging physically. I think it is more responsible for everyone involved, and will help keep me from getting into awkward and upsetting situations. I want a more responsible approach to poly in my life. Right now the level of communication is high with my lovers and everything is going smoothly. I have identified in myself that need for approval from women, and want to take the time to heal my broken heart before involving myself in more relationships, or deepening the ones I have. Sometimes itís just better to take the foot off the gas and just coast for a while. My previous relationship was so gogogo all the time. I need time to re-asses my goals and priorities. Reading some of the posts on these boards reminds me that a less emotional, more stable version of Poly is what interests me. No Drama. Have good communication. Get my own emotional ship in order, be self-sufficient. Iím going to stay away from the poly noobs, itís just too much work lol.
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communication skills, control issues, controlling partner, deception, dictatorship, divorce, elemental, fmf vee, hysterical partner, lies, life story, male, manipulation, married and dating, married and polyamorous, open marriage, partner sharing, poly ideals, poly vs. open, rules vs boundaries, rules-based relationships, secrets, spouse, triad fallout, unfair rules

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